Scholarship / Research project about music and learning new languages - KGSP-U: Extracurricular activities [3]

Hello, there! I need help with identifying whether the information I am providing is relevant and not overly dramatic. Also, I would love to hear advice on whether I should shorten my answer to the prompt.

The paragraphs are not in order!

meaningful academic achievement and experience

One of my most significant academic achievements was my research project about music and its application in learning new languages. I was extremely interested in the scientific side of this question because music has played an enormous role in my English acquisition. As a result, my research project "An Innovative Approach To Memorizing Words Via Modern Songs" won the 1st place at the school competition, 3rd place at the national "IV National Conference Of Scientific Research Works Among School Students," and got published at the Russian scientific journal "Problems Of Pedagogy." During the year I spent on this research, I have learned how to conduct experiments and surveys, analyze research works, and write a scientific paper based on the knowledge I gathered from different resources. Moreover, I believe that this is not my last research project.

I joined our school's student government in 10th Grade. Over two years, I have organized two annual New Year parties for middle schoolers, held a school competition between classes for the best culture-based school design, and, most importantly, was a guide to the representatives of CIS (Council of International Schools) during the accreditation of our school.

One of the most meaningful experiences of my life was founding a volunteering project "The call from Heart" in 11th Grade to teach English to children with hearing disabilities from another school where English lessons were not available. In 2 years of being a part of this project, I have learned how to lead the team. More than 50 volunteers have participated in our weekly lessons. I was grateful for the opportunity to share my knowledge with others.

Motivated by that experience, in 12th Grade, I started to work online as an English tutor for exams such as SAT and IELTS because I wanted to be financially independent of my parents and earn money using the skills that I have. Over the year of tutoring, I have worked with over 15 students. As a result, I was even able to help my family financially during coronavirus pandemic since I was still able to work online, while they couldn't.

Scholarship / KGSP: Motivations with which you apply for this program - Why South Korea? Psychology. [2]

Hello everybody! I would really appreciate the feedback on my answer to the prompt

"Motivations with which you apply for this program".

However, I DO NOT NEED feedback on the grammar, ONLY the ideas. Sorry, if it sounds aggressive, I just want to know your opinion about the context of my words)

I have been interested in South Korea since I first discovered k-pop in 2015, but I quickly realized that it is so much more than just its music industry. I learned that South Korea is the country with a rich and unique culture, delicious cuisine, and the world's most developed technologies. Many of the foreign bloggers that live there praise South Korea for its standard of living starting from the affordable health care system to the advanced transportation system. I admire South Korea for the emphasis it puts on people's freedom and their safety. South Korea has one of the lowest crime rates in the world, and while listening to the stories of people who live in South Korea, I was astonished many times by how respectable its citizens are. Therefore, I choose to study in South Korea because I know that I will always feel safe and comfortable there.

South Korea is home to one of the best universities in the world and is known for its highly competitive education system. Therefore, I am applying at the top universities in South Korea which accept only the most accomplished students in South Korea. I believe that it will be a perfect opportunity for me because I strive in such an environment due to my highly competitive personality. I draw inspiration from my peers and being surrounded by the best students in the country will undoubtedly boost my motivation. Furthermore, the number of international students in the country is increasing rapidly, and I cannot wait to be a part of South Korea's diverse student body where I will be able to befriend people from all around the world.

My biggest passion is the science of psychology. In the future, I want to work with children in the sphere of education in order to ensure that future generations will grow up in a healthy academic environment. However, to achieve my goal, I need a world-class education, and I believe that Global Korean Scholarship is the perfect opportunity for me to not only study in the country of my dreams but to also get the education at one of the best universities in the world without worrying about financial difficulties. Moreover, I am sure that I will be able to make the most out of this opportunity.

AND then I wrote about my extracurricular activities, accomplishments, skills I learned and so on! Does it look good?