Undergraduate / snowboarding - Common App short - elaborate on an extracurricular. [6]

Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer)

None of my personal hobbies and pastimes is as liberating as snowboarding. As anybody who's ever felt that coursing adrenaline rush can attest, there's nothing quite uniquely exhilarating as carving down a mountain at breakneck speeds, with only a few plastic straps securing one from a powdery oblivion. What is my indulgence started out several years ago with impossibly wobbly legs, and at the end of the day, a fractured wrist. Determined, with the scars gone but the fall still fresh in my head, I got on my board the very next year and hit the slopes again. For me, snowboarding has always been about taking risks, meeting fears, carving and discovering new paths for myself. When I am on that mountain, every bump is personal, every recovery as satisfying as the day I decided to continue snowboarding. When I am on that mountain, I am free.

Is this okay? What do I need to work on? Thanks.