saltmonster
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "'helicopter' parents", "cleaning the house" - UC personal statements [2]
Hello Everyone!
Can anyone please give me suggestions, improvements, and feedback on my essay?
Constructive criticism is appreciated (Don't worry i can take it)
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Obsessive "helicopter" parents, inspiring teachers, and supporting friends are part of my world. My world has shaped me into who I am now and what I want to become. My parents taught me perseverance, prioritizing, and they have opened up many opportunities for me. My teachers have opened up my world and have given me knowledge and skills. My friends have given me their encouragement and support, teaching me to have confidence in myself during the process. I cannot imagine a world without them. They have shown me the path to my dreams and aspirations, but I will be the one walking it to achieve.
My parents are like helicopters, they are always there hovering behind my back, nagging me to study, and to get good grades so that I could get into college. When I was young I never got the big deal about college, why go to school again after finishing twelve long years? I was so naïve. My parents, like most immigrant families, have had a hard life, struggling to make do with what they were given. Because of their hard efforts, my parents were able to give me many opportunities that other kids my age did not have, like: private music lessons, a tutor that helps me be ahead in school, swimming and golf lessons. I am very grateful, but they were providing for me to the point where it was oppressive, like a blanket smothering me from the world.
Teachers are there to teach their students, introduce them to new ideas, and experiences; it was they who helped "lift the blanket" from my life and open my eyes. Every teacher that I have had, even in elementary school has asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always reply, "I want to be a doctor or a lawyer!" and they would say, "Oh is that so? Good for you." However, one time my art teacher asked that same question, and I answered the same response, but then he said, "Really? I thought you would be doing something art related since it seems like you like art a lot." That response surprised me, but it also got me thinking; is a doctor really what I want to be? Or is that just what my parents want me to be? I thank my parents for all they have done, but no thanks to controlling my life. I get that they want to give me what they never had, but they can stop living my life. It's time that I become independent and make my own decisions.
My friends have done what my parents and teachers could not; they gave me confidence and support. One thing I noticed about most Asian kids including me is that they are really smart but also really timid and shy. My parents wanted nothing from me but good grades, my teachers taught me and shaped me into a good student, but I was craven and lacked confidence. People say not to give into peer pressure, but peer pressure is what I needed to break out of my comfort zone and try new things. My friends are always there to support, encourage, and tell me to stop being afraid and to try new things. I marvel at how only a couple years back in middle school I was shaking when I presented my first project, but now I do it with ease.
When I think of my dreams and aspirations I see a long road leading to my dreams and aspirations. The road will not be straight; there will be forks and trails just like how life gives me choices and decisions to make. My parents, teachers, and friends have helped me attain the qualities of who I am and who I will become. They have guided me to the road of my dreams and aspirations but it will be me who needs to the solution to my problems, it will be me who will needs to be able to hold my own, it will be me who needs to accomplish my tasks, and it will be me who needs to walk my road.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I was cleaning the house during the summer before my senior year. My parents kept a trophy case with certificates, trophies, medals, etc. While dusting off the inside I was staring at four of the five shelves containing golf trophies, swimming medals, academic certificates, science fair ribbons and much more memorabilia all belonging to my brother, while comparing it to the one shelf containing a paltry amount of awards belonging to me. But I was smiling, there was one thing in there that I was really proud of that my brother didn't have, my J.R.O.T.C. ribbons and medals.
Ever since well, forever, my parents have made my brother and I do everything together- summer school together, swimming lessons together, piano lessons together, clubs and other activities-together. At the first acquaintance, my teachers, friends, coaches, and peers would always categorize us, my brother as the out going and fun one, while I was the shy and timid one. And that's not the worst part they also compare me to him, and he's always better, he's the more athletic one, and the "smarter" one too. I was always in his shadow. The one question I abhor most is when my parents say "why can't you do this as good as your brother?" Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and I always look up to him, it's just irritates me that I am constantly compared.
So it was my freshman year and I joined J.R.O.T. C. because my brother had. But I stayed in the program all four years even though my brother only stayed for two.
My brother and I for the first year we were the same rank, a private, but I had more awards than he did, mostly because I participated more. I participated in the teams, drill meets, and camp to get the experience and to try new things, while he was doing it just for the awards. He was becoming jealous of me and when I surpassed him on ranks he quit. When my brother quit my parents had wanted me to do the same, but for the first time I argued fiercely against them because I really loved the program. I didn't want to do what my brother wanted to do; I wanted to do what I wanted.
Looking back I'm really glad I joined and stayed. I learned leadership qualities, I am more confident in myself, I learned how to work with people, in other classes not just J.R.O.T.C. I now openly voice my opinions on matters, and I'm not shy to the point that I cower away. I actually started getting more involved with my school clubs and community. I do not consider myself 100% changed but I like the person I am becoming. I would have never thought I would hold a leadership position, and I especially never thought I would become a role model to the underclassman. Now when the freshmen see me with my uniform on with all these medals and ribbons, while looking at their own uniforms they ask me. "How did you get so many?" And "What rank were you your freshman year?" I tell them "When you participate and try your hardest you will get reward, and rank doesn't matter, I didn't have my ranks my freshman year."
Now looking in the trophy case I'm proud to see the accumulation of all my ribbons and medals from my four years in J.R.O.T.C. But the best part, I'm out of my brother's shadow. And instead of always being referred to and introduced as Kevin's little sister, I am just Kelley.
Hello Everyone!
Can anyone please give me suggestions, improvements, and feedback on my essay?
Constructive criticism is appreciated (Don't worry i can take it)
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Obsessive "helicopter" parents, inspiring teachers, and supporting friends are part of my world. My world has shaped me into who I am now and what I want to become. My parents taught me perseverance, prioritizing, and they have opened up many opportunities for me. My teachers have opened up my world and have given me knowledge and skills. My friends have given me their encouragement and support, teaching me to have confidence in myself during the process. I cannot imagine a world without them. They have shown me the path to my dreams and aspirations, but I will be the one walking it to achieve.
My parents are like helicopters, they are always there hovering behind my back, nagging me to study, and to get good grades so that I could get into college. When I was young I never got the big deal about college, why go to school again after finishing twelve long years? I was so naïve. My parents, like most immigrant families, have had a hard life, struggling to make do with what they were given. Because of their hard efforts, my parents were able to give me many opportunities that other kids my age did not have, like: private music lessons, a tutor that helps me be ahead in school, swimming and golf lessons. I am very grateful, but they were providing for me to the point where it was oppressive, like a blanket smothering me from the world.
Teachers are there to teach their students, introduce them to new ideas, and experiences; it was they who helped "lift the blanket" from my life and open my eyes. Every teacher that I have had, even in elementary school has asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always reply, "I want to be a doctor or a lawyer!" and they would say, "Oh is that so? Good for you." However, one time my art teacher asked that same question, and I answered the same response, but then he said, "Really? I thought you would be doing something art related since it seems like you like art a lot." That response surprised me, but it also got me thinking; is a doctor really what I want to be? Or is that just what my parents want me to be? I thank my parents for all they have done, but no thanks to controlling my life. I get that they want to give me what they never had, but they can stop living my life. It's time that I become independent and make my own decisions.
My friends have done what my parents and teachers could not; they gave me confidence and support. One thing I noticed about most Asian kids including me is that they are really smart but also really timid and shy. My parents wanted nothing from me but good grades, my teachers taught me and shaped me into a good student, but I was craven and lacked confidence. People say not to give into peer pressure, but peer pressure is what I needed to break out of my comfort zone and try new things. My friends are always there to support, encourage, and tell me to stop being afraid and to try new things. I marvel at how only a couple years back in middle school I was shaking when I presented my first project, but now I do it with ease.
When I think of my dreams and aspirations I see a long road leading to my dreams and aspirations. The road will not be straight; there will be forks and trails just like how life gives me choices and decisions to make. My parents, teachers, and friends have helped me attain the qualities of who I am and who I will become. They have guided me to the road of my dreams and aspirations but it will be me who needs to the solution to my problems, it will be me who will needs to be able to hold my own, it will be me who needs to accomplish my tasks, and it will be me who needs to walk my road.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I was cleaning the house during the summer before my senior year. My parents kept a trophy case with certificates, trophies, medals, etc. While dusting off the inside I was staring at four of the five shelves containing golf trophies, swimming medals, academic certificates, science fair ribbons and much more memorabilia all belonging to my brother, while comparing it to the one shelf containing a paltry amount of awards belonging to me. But I was smiling, there was one thing in there that I was really proud of that my brother didn't have, my J.R.O.T.C. ribbons and medals.
Ever since well, forever, my parents have made my brother and I do everything together- summer school together, swimming lessons together, piano lessons together, clubs and other activities-together. At the first acquaintance, my teachers, friends, coaches, and peers would always categorize us, my brother as the out going and fun one, while I was the shy and timid one. And that's not the worst part they also compare me to him, and he's always better, he's the more athletic one, and the "smarter" one too. I was always in his shadow. The one question I abhor most is when my parents say "why can't you do this as good as your brother?" Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and I always look up to him, it's just irritates me that I am constantly compared.
So it was my freshman year and I joined J.R.O.T. C. because my brother had. But I stayed in the program all four years even though my brother only stayed for two.
My brother and I for the first year we were the same rank, a private, but I had more awards than he did, mostly because I participated more. I participated in the teams, drill meets, and camp to get the experience and to try new things, while he was doing it just for the awards. He was becoming jealous of me and when I surpassed him on ranks he quit. When my brother quit my parents had wanted me to do the same, but for the first time I argued fiercely against them because I really loved the program. I didn't want to do what my brother wanted to do; I wanted to do what I wanted.
Looking back I'm really glad I joined and stayed. I learned leadership qualities, I am more confident in myself, I learned how to work with people, in other classes not just J.R.O.T.C. I now openly voice my opinions on matters, and I'm not shy to the point that I cower away. I actually started getting more involved with my school clubs and community. I do not consider myself 100% changed but I like the person I am becoming. I would have never thought I would hold a leadership position, and I especially never thought I would become a role model to the underclassman. Now when the freshmen see me with my uniform on with all these medals and ribbons, while looking at their own uniforms they ask me. "How did you get so many?" And "What rank were you your freshman year?" I tell them "When you participate and try your hardest you will get reward, and rank doesn't matter, I didn't have my ranks my freshman year."
Now looking in the trophy case I'm proud to see the accumulation of all my ribbons and medals from my four years in J.R.O.T.C. But the best part, I'm out of my brother's shadow. And instead of always being referred to and introduced as Kevin's little sister, I am just Kelley.