Undergraduate / GWU: FBI to Boxing [5]

Wow, you really researched George Washington University. They should be impressed. I love your introduction. You don't want to start sentences with "Being," though, or end with prepositions. Your second paragraph is a little messy. You start out talking about international attitude but don't quite transition into philosophy. I was confused until I read farther.

If you have more time, I would spend it making it sound more like you. You use a lot of buzz words and phrases like "use the knowledge I learn" and "I have become greatly interested in" and "pursue my passion" and "see myself" which makes the essay seem sort of wordy.

George Washington University is to me, the opportunity of all opportunities. Being located in the nation's capitol and possessing a highly regarded academic system, the University has much to offer me. Cliche

I know that I could benefit from this, as I believe that having a global perspective is the best way to view and learn things from . Ever since the ninth grade, I've loved reading and learning about philosophy. I can't get enough of its theories and concepts, and how they relate to the real world. At George Washington University, I know I could pursue my passion by majoring in Philosophy and with the University's international attitude, I would learn how philosophy relates to the world on a global scale. I could use the knowledge I learn from the University to pursue a career in the justice system, which I have recently become very interested in. Most notably, I have become greatly interested in a career working for the F.B.I.

This should be in a new paragraph, right? I put all the programs together in one paragraph.

After hearing of the University's great- what does that even mean? how about prestigious internship programs ...
When I learned of George Washington's Study Abroad program, I knew that it was something I'd definitely be interested in,was intrigued because educationas being educated in another country and culture would be a priceless experiencesomething less cliche -a memory I would retell to my grandchildren? .

I also became interested you use this word a lot, how about the TRAILS program also fascinated me because... in the TRAiLS program, because I also love to be in the outdoors and experiencing nature. I've always greatly enjoyed camping, fishing, and backpacking, and would love to participate in activities where I could do go out and explore nature.

When I also researched the University's student organizations and clubs, andI was shocked to see how long the list wasthe length of the list . During high school I was on the varsity wrestling team, and before then I had participated in -fought my friends in Karate and Judo. Because of my love for martial arts, I was especially interested in the Karate and Boxing clubs at George Washington, where I could continue with some of my favorite activities and meet others who enjoy the same things as me.

So with George Washington University offering all these amazing opportunities, how could I just pass them up?

Haha, I like your last line. You sound unique -a philosophical jock. :)