Writing Feedback / Descriptive narrative on a person (a woman who is in an abusive relationship) [3]

based on notes of describing and evaluating a person write a 750 word essay
The assignment is to describe a persons, physical appearance, movements, actions
and then make inference about underlying motives. including overall opinions of the person

I have written a story about a woman who is in an abusive relationship, from the perspective of the woman's sister. I have ALOT of trouble "showing" the story through descriptive language rather than outright saying what is going on. there are also problems with passive voice and conciseness.

For instance in Orwell's the hanging (an example essay for this assignment), he tells a story and gives a picture, showing how dehumanizing capital punishment is, rather than saying capital punishment is terrible and inhumane

i need help with any style/concise grammer and i need to cut it down its to much its hard for me to see what can be taken out, whats neccessary, whats not

The dark night brought a quiet serenity. Nora silently tiptoed through the house, as her footsteps seem disturbingly loud. Nora peered in on baby Kat in an angelic peaceful slumber. After another assiduous day, Nora relished the quiet solitude. Suddenly the phone rings, the shrill tone piercing the calm quietude. Nora answered the phone, and knowing the only reason her sister Melinda would call so late, asks, "Are you fighting with Gerald?" Melinda's voice is flat and impassive, "yes, its over. I'm moving out." She went on to describe their latest argument. To an outsider the convoluted topic of the latest argument would be hard to understand, but Nora had been Melinda's confidant since they met four years ago. Gerald's relentless accusations, callous and absurd, would lead to fuming, and even violent, arguments. Melinda has candidly revealed the abusive nature of their arguments to Nora during their more recent break ups. Hysterically she exclaimed, "I can't take the pain in my ribs any more". Today Nora noticed Melinda was unusually calm. Nora found Jesus that night, after years of atheism; she understood why people prayed for miracles.

"Shock and denial" Melinda arrived at Nora's house late in the afternoon. Melinda gracefully enters through the back door, gliding in like a dancer coming on stage. Her clothes stretched tightly around, accentuating her slim elongated figure. As Kat, my 2 year-old daughter, runs to greet her, Melinda's extends her arms and airily lifts her into a warm embrace. Nora is relieved her sister is safe. In her optimism Nora falls in with Melinda's cheerful denial of the trauma she has endured. Melinda's smile reflects her golden heart, which could brighten even the darkest night. The next day, two sisters and baby Kat spend the next few days basking under the bright warm sun focusing on simple tasks- gardening and composting, painting our nails with polish and faces with makeup. Melinda crouches alongside Kat, engaged and engrossed Kat's latest endeavors, mixing dirt and water making wonderfully gooey mud. Melinda cooks the family lunch and dinner, patiently allowing Kat to stir and pour. There were only a couple of days that she was able to escape her imprisoned mindset.

"Pain and guilt" By and by, Melinda could no longer deny the trauma she had been forced to endure. Melinda's return to peace and stability so transient, only Nora can attest to it. Melinda's part-time at the YMCA, two hours from Nora's house and 5 minutes from Gerald's, was like an alcoholic working at a bar, she was bound to take a drink. At first she met Gerald for coffee, and increasingly spent time with him. One night Melinda did not come home from work. Nora was pacing and anxiously cleaning, she knew if the worst happened, Nora would never know, Melinda would just disappear. Melinda eventually called and timidly explained, "I'm at Gerald's house, and Ill be home later tonight." Nora insists "Melinda you have to bring the car back tonight" In the background, Gerald's voice barges in to the conversation, "I'll make sure she leaves before she falls asleep." Gerald's home was deep in the redwood forests of northern California, accessible only through an hour on a country road, a series of narrow jagged roads, and then hidden behind a steep drop. The rented house was a shared expense, she worked to pay half and his self-professed fraudulent disability paid the other half. Nevertheless, Gerald used his malicious authority to randomly kick her out. On more than one occasion Melinda was stranded, no car, no cell phone service, and no town for miles. Nora warned Melinda not to visit his house, because Melinda would be trapped. But Like a solider unable to cope away from the frontlines, Melinda did not know how to function in a world without chaos and violence.

"Anger and bargaining"
After her night with Gerald, Melinda's personality transformed from a benevolent, gracing presence to a ghostly apparition lurking in the shadows. Melinda and Nora's relationship began to languish as Melinda resented her sister for relaying an uncomfortable truth "Melinda, its either your family or Gerald. As much as it hurts, and you feel your losing something, there is not grey area. He will not let you have a relationship with any of us." Melinda's eyes look away, annoyed, she fidgets with her sweatshirt zipper. Nora stares at Melinda ready at any moment to catch her gaze. But Melinda never looks up, instead she moves on to obsess over her hairstyle, or deciding the most intoxicating choice of alcohol. She with such purpose and intent, trying to exhibit control over her life that John now dominates. She must feel my anger fuming out of me (Nora, decide if u want first person)

Nora came home in the late morning to find Melinda beside a half empty wine bottle and the phone glued to her ear as her stern voice insists, "Gerald I'm sorry I went over to Rachel's house!" Melinda, in her attempt to break out of isolation, had spent an evening with her girlfriend Rachel. But now she apologized for pursuing human connection. Her golden brown hair unwashed messily hidden from view in the hood of her grey sweatshirt. Her eyes are puffy and swollen, mascara smudged below, from tears and drinking. Its 10:00 in the morning and she already looks defeated. Her once rosey cheeks, now flushed, [metaphor lose color] seeming worn down and tired. Melinda, ignoring Nora and Kat, continued to argue. Today Melinda Nora felt her heart racing and tears pooling as a barrage of worry and hurt overcame her thoughts. Nora insisted Melinda acknowledge her presence. Nora pleaded, "Melinda please do not drink, especially with Kat around. Just the other night you drank and lashed out, throwing a book at me" Nora angrily responded, "Well ok then ill go back to Gerald's." She walked off and Nora followed, forcing her to continue the conversation. Nora continued to follow her sister through the house till Melinda reached a dead end, and slumped herself onto the bed. She curls up towards the wall, turning her back to me, as she hides her face in her hands.

Before she left this time, with streaming eyes she confided in me, "I don't want to go back, but I love him. I don't' want you to think you didn't help me. I could stay." Nora was truly concerned for Melinda but knew it was futile. Melinda had decided to stay with Gerald days ago, "I'm not going to try to save you anymore. I can't force you to leave him." Nora ended their last conversation, she felt abused and worn down herself. When she went home that night, the dead silence in the house was and eerie relief. Melinda, with grim martyrdom, had obediently returned to his side.