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Posts by plb
Joined: Aug 2, 2010
Last Post: Aug 23, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

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plb   
Aug 2, 2010
Undergraduate / To pursue a career in nursing, UT Austin transfer essay-STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [3]

Hi! I've written an essay for transfer to UT Austin, and I was hoping to get some feedback on it. Any feedback on it would be helpful. Thanks!

Statement of Purpose

Our home address has changed at least six times during the course of my life. Because of my father's vocation as a minister, our family moved frequently: from the U.S. to South Korea, from South Korea to the U.S., or within the U.S.. Although the environment, the people, and the circumstances varied every time we moved, one aspect did not change, and that was how people viewed and treated me because I was a pastor's child. People expected certain behaviors of me, and I, being fully aware of their expectations, became what everyone expected me to be.

Sometime during my early preteen years, my father was appointed to a church in Nebraska. Here, I developed an interest in human anatomy and physiology, and so, my aspiration for a career in the medical field developed. Among our church congregation were several individuals in the medical area, and to cultivate my career goal, I shadowed different people, such as a nurse anesthesiologist, occupational therapist, family practitioner, pathologist, and others. Toward the end of high school, I dreamed of becoming a family practitioner, and so, I entered Southern Methodist University as a major in biology, hoping to trek a successful path toward medical school.

At college, I was hundreds of miles away from home, and unlike at home, not everyone knew that I was a pastor's child. I was given this opportunity to unmask and discover myself by learning from how people treated me without knowing that I was a minister's child. From my experiences, my life perception changed. I changed.

Not only did my mentality become altered and enriched, but my ambition in family practice changed, also. After attending numerous pre-med club meetings and having discussions with older pre-med students, I concluded that pre-med was not intended for me, so instead, I resolved to become a nurse, a position equally as vital as a doctor in the medical field. Just as a shortage of physicians exist in the world, an insufficiency for nurses exists, also.

But exactly why do I wish to pursue a career in nursing? Along with the deficit of medical personnel, such as nurses, comes the increase in people's insurance costs or hospital bills, making it more difficult for lower-income families to receive necessary healthcare. Also, after physicians, nurses are the next people a patient contacts when in need of medical assistance. I hope to become one of those nurses, being able to assist individuals, both inside and outside the hospital, by providing helpful tips and facts that I learned from nursing school; for example, we may need to know what ointment to apply to a certain abrasion or how to alleviate flu symptoms. I will be able to become a link in the crucial chain of hospital staff members who strive to restore and improve people's health and be a positive influence on people's lives. In addition, I will always seek to enhance my medical skills throughout my nursing career by cultivating my high interest in the functions and composition of our human body.
plb   
Aug 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / The simplify of food preparation---toefl essay [3]

I fixed some grammatical errors:

The simplify of food preparation has a great impact on people's daily life. However, it still causes some problems.

Imagine people who lived in the past hunting elephants or running after antelopes for meat. They spent their whole day looking for food. Nowadays , we don't do that any more. We can grab some bites from Mcdonald's or go to restaurants . This way , we save a lot of time and energy so that we can expend them on something elsein which we are more interested. One great effect that results from this is more professionals. Because people dedicate more time in the fields of their interests , they soon become professional with it, and that's partly why we have a variety of jobs. From more and more professional jobs, our technology and civilization is booming .

Moreover, the change of food preparation also gives people more space to put their creativity into making delicious food. Not only do more materials appear in supermarkets , but also more different ways of cooking are invented. People begin to enjoy those tasty foodsthat come from different cultures and countries, which makes them live effectively and happily. By a survey , ninety percent of people think eating nice food gives them pleasure and helps them work efficiently.

However, as making food becoming easier, more and more foods are available, especially fast food like coke and hamburgers. The fat and sugar people get every day from food has increased dramatically, which has resulted in many healthy problems. Over-weight people are more common. One can easily recall several over-weight people around his or her neighborhood. Also, many more diseases caused by unhealthy eating habits has appeared.

In the end, easier food preparation does indeed bring some advantages to human life .But on the other side ,it also brings some problems .Whetherit improve s or decreases people's life quality should takenshould be taken into consideration when dealing with their eating habits and awareness of keeping fit into consideration .
plb   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Nursing School essay: Why do I want to be a nurse? [5]

Hi--I'm applying for a highly competitive nursing program, and one of the application requirements is an essay based on why I want to be a nurse. Could you please give me feedback on whether or not my essay is too general? Do I need more personal experiences in it? Thanks!

The functions of the human body and the effects of the environment, drugs, and genetics on humans never failed to catch my high interest; therefore, I inclined toward a career that included these interests. Yet, at the same time, I strongly desired to make a difference in people's lives. Typically, with the two factors of human anatomy and benevolence, people gravitate toward medicine, a field in which they can also earn an admirable income. When it comes to the healthcare field, most assume that a physician is the ideal way of benefiting society and themselves. However, for me, my interests inspired me to pursue a nursing vocation.

With the current dearth of nurses, each nurse takes responsibility for many patients, reducing the optimal amount time and attention the nurse can administer for each patient. Patients will receive the best care if the nurses are able to pay thorough attention to each and every patient. I wish to alleviate some of that pressure placed on nurses by becoming a nurse myself and provide my best service to each patient. Nurses are the next professionals after doctors that people go to for medical assistance, and as a nurse, I will be able provided numerous opportunities to give that needed help and positively influence individuals' lives everyday, whether it be by giving tips about dietary supplements or home remedies for the flu. In addition, the deficiency of nurses ensures job security, which means that I need not concern myself with losing my job anywhere in the near future. For example, teachers across the country are losing their jobs at a steady rate due to the high numbers of teachers and lack of funding, and as a result, they face the stress of having to search for another job. Being a nurse will assure that I will not need to encounter such stress and, instead, will be able to utilize my focus on the patients.

Also, as a nurse, I will be able to assist others both inside and outside the hospital. Mild emergencies may occur at a dinner party, or a friend may need me to briefly check on her ill mother at home. Nursing bestows me the privilege to apply my medical knowledge in any situation at any time, which, in turn, will continually hone my nursing skills. not all occupations allow workers to apply the knowledge of their field outside of their employment place, such as a medical researcher, who must be at their research labs to apply their expertise and for others to comprehend their "research language."

Having those many chances to make a positive impact on individuals' lives on an everyday basis is one of the great aspects of being a nurse. While helping others, I will also be able to nurture my interest in the medical area and not have to face the perplexity of losing my job. Although many people possess the idea that a doctor is the best profession in healthcare to influence others, I, myself, wish to fulfill my desire to become a nurse.
plb   
Aug 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Nursing School essay: Why do I want to be a nurse? [5]

Thanks for the feedback~ I liked the idea of "lifting spirits and adding energy" so I tried to incorporate that into my essay. I did revise the essay a bit because I thought it was a bit repetitive and too general. Is this revision better and more personal?

My aspiration for nursing was sparked early in my high school years, during which I attended a club called Medical Explorers. This particular group exposed adolescents to various fields of healthcare; the nursing area was one of them. The functions of the human body and the effects of the environment, drugs, and genetics on humans never failed to capture my high interest. I also possessed a strong interest in making a difference in people's lives with my caring attitude and compassion-when a patient feels concerned previous to a surgery, I can quell their anxiety with comforting words or when a patient is low in spirits, I can lift his or her mood a cheery chat. Therefore, out of the numerous fields that we discussed and explored at Medical Explorers, I decided that pursuing a career in nursing would fulfill my interests the best.

I researched during my own time to learn more about the vocation, and one of the first aspects of nursing that I learned was that there is a dearth of nurses in the nation's hospitals, which reduces the optimal amount of time and attention the nurse can administer for each patient. Patients are able to receive the best care if the nurses are able to pay thorough attention to each and every patient. So, because of the shortage of nurses, nursing will provide me a plethora of chances to interact with patients in order to offer them my undivided attention and caring assistance. I also came to know that diverse fields exist in nursing-medical surgery, ER, ICU, and others. Upon learning these facts about nursing, my interest peaked because nursing would provide me an array of areas to select from, and yet, no matter what area I chose, I would have plenty of opportunities to fulfill the medical needs of patients.

Additionally, as a nurse, I will be able to assist others both inside and outside the hospital. Nurses are the next professionals after doctors to whom people go to for medical assistance, and as a nurse, I will be able to positively influence individuals' lives everyday and anywhere, whether it be by giving tips about dietary supplements or helping with a mild emergency at a dinner party. Not all occupations allow workers to apply the knowledge of their field outside of their employment place, such as a medical researcher, who must be at their research labs to apply their expertise and for others to comprehend their "research language." Nursing bestows me the privilege to apply my medical knowledge in any situation at any time, which, in turn, will continually hone my nursing skills to serve our society that calls for frequent and quality healthcare.
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