Writing Feedback / Traffic accidents: The best way to reduce the number (ELTS) [2]

Being involved in a r oad traffic accident is one of the cause among the list of causes of deaths worldwide.In UAE,it is the second most common cause of death that involves young people after heart diseases mostly involving young people.

-- changed the subject of the first sentence so that it will agree with the singular verb and the singular pronoun in the second sentence

--"...mostly involving young people" is a dangling modifier. If what you meant was that it is the most common cause of death among young people, then you can use the revision i made on the sentence. If you wanted to say that road traffic accidents mostly involves young people, you can just make a whole new sentence on that.

The R oad T raffic A uthority does preventive measures like limiting speed on certain roads and placing mirrors on roads curves.etcE ven then, however, there are still accidents taking place every other day.

-- capitalize the road traffic agency if you meant the government agency
--for the second sentence, instead of saying even then, you may wanna elaborate. you can say, even after these steps.
--taking place every other day - you may wanna put a more accurate figure or a specific example. it just sounds a little questionable that accidents happen every other day. one might think, on day 1 there will be an accident, on day 2, there will be no accident. you can say ...accidents are still taking place. In Streetname, records show that an average of 4 accidents occurs per week.

-- start a new paragraph starting from the third sentence

Drivers who get newa license at a very early age are more prone to accidents as they are emotionally weak and immature.They, together with their friends, do races on roads in order to boost and show their power like in movies.asT hese days, movies have a great impact on the minds of the young generation, so they imitate or want to experience the same as shown in movies. what they see on screen.

-- this paragraph is full of over-generalizations. you may wanna double check on the statements you made and and provide evidence or supporting details.
-- how where you able to say that drivers who get their license at an early age are weak and immature?
-- not everyone who gets a license at a young age participates in drag racing
-- you may include what the minimum age for driving is and what the possible characteristics of people under that age are. you may tackle on a child's level of sense of responsibility. Site examples that will support your statements.

As older people are concerned,they are susceptible to accidents.With advancing age,reflexes get slower and eyesight becomes weaker. ThoseE lders who have a heart diseasesandor high blood pressure etc should not drive frequently.These conditions can get aggravated during driving because of stress and it can lead to accidents.

-- i'm having a problem understanding what you meant on the first sentence
--changed weaker to slower so as to avoid using weak twice in the same sentence.
--"they can have weak eyesight etc." -- rephrased to make it parallel to "reflexes get..."
-- i like the second sentence. you can try to elaborate more on how old age can work to a driver's disadvantage.
-- the third sentence came too abruptly especially when you were starting to make a good point on your second sentence.
-- on the fourth sentence, you can also use can worsen in replacement of can get aggravated
-- on the fourth sentence, why is driving stressful? expound on that.
-- on the fouth sentence, what can lead to an accident? show a possible scenario on how having a disease or whatever you were referring to can lead to an accident. might need a couple more sentences to lead your premise to your conclusion

In my opinion,It is very important that there should be an age limit fix for both younger and old people to be allowed to drive.After implementing this,I am sure we will be able to reducedthe percentage of accidents yearly.

-- there is already an age limit.. what you may need to focus on is is the age limit high and low enough? is this the BEST way to lessen accidents? is there another reason that causes a larger percentage of road accidents. is there a better solution? if you agree that changing the age limit is the best solution, you may need to prove that based on the current age limit, there are people who were allowed to drive even if they are too young and too old. then, explain why there are too young and too old. What are the characteristics that they have that makes them too young or too old to drive. How can these characteristics make them more prone to car accidents. what is the best age to start and stop driving?

*in general
--watch out for subject-verb agreement
--may include the percentage of accidents involving drivers in the youngest and oldest age range as compared to the middle aged ones (or what you consider to be the acceptable age for drivers)

-- put a thesis statement
-- try to make an outline of your essay so that you can improve the transition of one paragraph to the next
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