brauts46
Aug 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Sport: Tennis - Common App Short Answer [5]
I definitely like what you have chosen to write about. I like that you have taken the time to identify the things tennis has done to shape you into the person you are. As to which of the two I find better, I would prefer the second, but the first is not bad either. I think this will ultimately depend on the direction your essay takes: will you talk about mistakes you've made and how tennis helped you overcome these or helped you realize your mistakes? (Intro # 1 will work for this); or, will you talk exclusively about tennis how tennis has shaped you? (Intro #2 works well here).
I have just a few writing comments and edits:
Everybody says high school is the era in your life in which the mistakes you make and the friendships you gain help you find who you truly are. Entering my senior year in high school, I'm starting to realize the credibility in that saying and, luckily for me, a great part in discovering myself occurred in my favorite hobby, Tennis.
I took out your first two comma ("life, in which) -- this segment can just flow well without a comma--and conjugated mistakes you make AND the friendships...
(You can also take out "that" from "friendships that you gain"
Put the following phrase in between commas: ",luckily for me," (if you read the sentence with out the "luckily for me" it would still flow well/make sense).
I would say "occurred through my favorite hobby..."
OR
Playing tennis for the first time at the tryouts in my freshmen year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values it has granted me currently. Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships, ambition for trying unfamiliar things and most importantly felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement.
Try to reword your first sentence; you can combine the dependent clause with the independent clause to make it shorter and more concise.
E.g.: Freshman year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values the sport of tennis grants.
Also, check your tense: back then, I wouldn't have predicted that tennis would grant etc.
You don't need "currently" at the end of the first sentence.
In the second sentence something seems to be off when you read it; consider the things you have gained (vs. the thing you felt) one by one and see if they make sense: e.g. "Entering my senior year now, I have gained...friendships. Entering my senior year now, I have gained...ambition for trying unfamiliar things. Entering my senior year now, I have gained...felt the most rewarding feeling..." Does it makes sense when you break down? You lose your verb in the second thing you list when you separate it out with a comma; secondly, the third thing, you don't gain, but you "felt." Consider these corrections:
Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships AND ambitions for trying unfamiliar things and, most importantly, I have felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement. (Here, I've conjugate the two things you've "gained," but have separated them from what you have "felt.")
Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships AND ambitions for trying unfamiliar things; most importantly, I have felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement. (Similar thing here, except a semicolon would work well here by taking out the "and.")
I definitely like what you have chosen to write about. I like that you have taken the time to identify the things tennis has done to shape you into the person you are. As to which of the two I find better, I would prefer the second, but the first is not bad either. I think this will ultimately depend on the direction your essay takes: will you talk about mistakes you've made and how tennis helped you overcome these or helped you realize your mistakes? (Intro # 1 will work for this); or, will you talk exclusively about tennis how tennis has shaped you? (Intro #2 works well here).
I have just a few writing comments and edits:
Everybody says high school is the era in your life in which the mistakes you make and the friendships you gain help you find who you truly are. Entering my senior year in high school, I'm starting to realize the credibility in that saying and, luckily for me, a great part in discovering myself occurred in my favorite hobby, Tennis.
I took out your first two comma ("life, in which) -- this segment can just flow well without a comma--and conjugated mistakes you make AND the friendships...
(You can also take out "that" from "friendships that you gain"
Put the following phrase in between commas: ",luckily for me," (if you read the sentence with out the "luckily for me" it would still flow well/make sense).
I would say "occurred through my favorite hobby..."
OR
Playing tennis for the first time at the tryouts in my freshmen year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values it has granted me currently. Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships, ambition for trying unfamiliar things and most importantly felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement.
Try to reword your first sentence; you can combine the dependent clause with the independent clause to make it shorter and more concise.
E.g.: Freshman year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values the sport of tennis grants.
Also, check your tense: back then, I wouldn't have predicted that tennis would grant etc.
You don't need "currently" at the end of the first sentence.
In the second sentence something seems to be off when you read it; consider the things you have gained (vs. the thing you felt) one by one and see if they make sense: e.g. "Entering my senior year now, I have gained...friendships. Entering my senior year now, I have gained...ambition for trying unfamiliar things. Entering my senior year now, I have gained...felt the most rewarding feeling..." Does it makes sense when you break down? You lose your verb in the second thing you list when you separate it out with a comma; secondly, the third thing, you don't gain, but you "felt." Consider these corrections:
Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships AND ambitions for trying unfamiliar things and, most importantly, I have felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement. (Here, I've conjugate the two things you've "gained," but have separated them from what you have "felt.")
Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships AND ambitions for trying unfamiliar things; most importantly, I have felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement. (Similar thing here, except a semicolon would work well here by taking out the "and.")
