Jessyyy
Oct 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay On A fictional Hero - Feedback on Mechanics. [3]
I am a 9th grader so if anyone could help me revise/ check my mechanics on my essay that would be nice. Thanks.
Once upon a time there was a 16 year old girl named Miracle, who posed many abilities unknown to human kind. She had the ability to control anything with her mind as well as read thoughts. But like any other special kid she was unaware of her gifts. Her mother Elena however, knew all about her but had died when Miracle was only 5 years of age. Miracle had then moved in with her ant and was destined to never know who she was until the day came when all was suddenly revealed.
***
October 15th, 1994, in the city of Portland a teenage mother went into a difficult labor in which her baby did not survive. The baby girl was pronounced dead shortly after being delivered. Elena, the sixteen year old mother had a hard time accepting it but eventually had to carry on with the funeral of her deceased child. At the funeral as quick as the coffin went down the most unexplainable thing happened right before the eyes of many. A baby's whimpers were heard coming from the coffin. The baby had just come back to life. That was the day that Elena realized that baby was a special miracle.
***
One afternoon as Miracle walked home from school she was startled as two police cars and an ambulance raced passed her in such haste. Miracle had a bad feeling that something was wrong. As she got closer to her house she saw a gigantic cloud of smoke overpowering the house in which she and her ant lived. Miracle was speechless and frightened to the point that she felt she would pass out. Waiting not a second Miracle ran as fast as she could close enough to where she could see her ant being loaded into the ambulance. Ant Madison was in critical condition where all there was to do was wait and hope. At the waiting room was Miracle almost catching some sleep until a strange lady sat down next to her and spoke some words. The woman said "if you want your ant to live you must leave now and never come back or I will make sure she gets what she deserves!" At the sound of those words Miracle turned to see the woman that by then was long gone. She could not believe what had just happened. Miracle with all her desperation to save her ant did as the woman had asked; she left without speaking a word about it to anyone.
One week had gone by since the incident. Miracle was on her own living in a house for the homeless with no help and no direction from anyone. Helpless and powerless was how Miracle felt until she met Stephan a mysterious boy who was determined to help her. Stephen was a "special" as well as she but unlike her he was aware of his gifts.
"I know you... you are just like me your a special I can see it in you."
"Special?"
"What do you mean?" said Miracle.
"You and I- we are a special which means we were born with special abilities that make us inhuman I suppose." said Stephen.
Miracle could not believe anything that Stephan was telling her. It took lots of time for her to finally grasp that she was a special, a child with an unknown power yet to be discovered.
The last time Miracle had seen Stephen he had discussed the powers she could have. Not knowing what she possessed Miracle set of to look for Stephen.
"Hey there I knew I would find you here again." Said Stephen who was sitting at the bench of the park they had met eachothere at.
"I just need to know about the powers you said I had; how do I use them?"
"There is only one way to know of your talents, and I'll tell you all about it...fallow me."
When they got to Stephen's apartment he brought a silvery magical cup and a knife and told her that to find out more about her abilities she first had to perform a special ritual. As soon as her blood touched the cup her ability would come quickly to her. Miracle was then able to read Stephen's thoughts; it was as if Stephen was speaking them out loud.
"This is incredible!"
Miracle's power was unlike anything anyone had ever seen and like Stephen she exposed herself to the world. Both him and her decided to team up with the police and they both helped interrogating criminals for the F.B.I. Their talents of mind reading where far to valuable that they had high pay and great popularity with their people.
Life was't so easy for them; on the contrary they had a very though job were their life was in danger at all times. Stephen was kidnaped then murdered by a criminal after he had brought the criminal's sister to trial. Miracle had also been close to death but luckily survived thanks to an immediate trip to the hospital. It took a long time for her to recover both physically and mentally but she managed to be strong enough to overcome it all.
Miracle went on with helping her fellow teammates of the F.B.I bring more criminals to justice. She was served with them for two years then was moved for her safety to work undercover. Working undercover was great since she felt more comfortable knowing her life was no longer going to be in much danger. After all Miracle felt proud of herself for making the world a better place for humanity. Almost everything was good in her life except for one thing witch was not knowing anything about her ant.
Ant Madison wasn't hard to find because she still lived in the same place she used to. Miracle was very happy to find her ant was alive and healthy. Miracle quickly moved in with her ant but never could figure out who the woman who spoke to her at the hospital was. They both however decided to take a trip far far away and live their life to the fullest.
I am a 9th grader so if anyone could help me revise/ check my mechanics on my essay that would be nice. Thanks.
Once upon a time there was a 16 year old girl named Miracle, who posed many abilities unknown to human kind. She had the ability to control anything with her mind as well as read thoughts. But like any other special kid she was unaware of her gifts. Her mother Elena however, knew all about her but had died when Miracle was only 5 years of age. Miracle had then moved in with her ant and was destined to never know who she was until the day came when all was suddenly revealed.
***
October 15th, 1994, in the city of Portland a teenage mother went into a difficult labor in which her baby did not survive. The baby girl was pronounced dead shortly after being delivered. Elena, the sixteen year old mother had a hard time accepting it but eventually had to carry on with the funeral of her deceased child. At the funeral as quick as the coffin went down the most unexplainable thing happened right before the eyes of many. A baby's whimpers were heard coming from the coffin. The baby had just come back to life. That was the day that Elena realized that baby was a special miracle.
***
One afternoon as Miracle walked home from school she was startled as two police cars and an ambulance raced passed her in such haste. Miracle had a bad feeling that something was wrong. As she got closer to her house she saw a gigantic cloud of smoke overpowering the house in which she and her ant lived. Miracle was speechless and frightened to the point that she felt she would pass out. Waiting not a second Miracle ran as fast as she could close enough to where she could see her ant being loaded into the ambulance. Ant Madison was in critical condition where all there was to do was wait and hope. At the waiting room was Miracle almost catching some sleep until a strange lady sat down next to her and spoke some words. The woman said "if you want your ant to live you must leave now and never come back or I will make sure she gets what she deserves!" At the sound of those words Miracle turned to see the woman that by then was long gone. She could not believe what had just happened. Miracle with all her desperation to save her ant did as the woman had asked; she left without speaking a word about it to anyone.
One week had gone by since the incident. Miracle was on her own living in a house for the homeless with no help and no direction from anyone. Helpless and powerless was how Miracle felt until she met Stephan a mysterious boy who was determined to help her. Stephen was a "special" as well as she but unlike her he was aware of his gifts.
"I know you... you are just like me your a special I can see it in you."
"Special?"
"What do you mean?" said Miracle.
"You and I- we are a special which means we were born with special abilities that make us inhuman I suppose." said Stephen.
Miracle could not believe anything that Stephan was telling her. It took lots of time for her to finally grasp that she was a special, a child with an unknown power yet to be discovered.
The last time Miracle had seen Stephen he had discussed the powers she could have. Not knowing what she possessed Miracle set of to look for Stephen.
"Hey there I knew I would find you here again." Said Stephen who was sitting at the bench of the park they had met eachothere at.
"I just need to know about the powers you said I had; how do I use them?"
"There is only one way to know of your talents, and I'll tell you all about it...fallow me."
When they got to Stephen's apartment he brought a silvery magical cup and a knife and told her that to find out more about her abilities she first had to perform a special ritual. As soon as her blood touched the cup her ability would come quickly to her. Miracle was then able to read Stephen's thoughts; it was as if Stephen was speaking them out loud.
"This is incredible!"
Miracle's power was unlike anything anyone had ever seen and like Stephen she exposed herself to the world. Both him and her decided to team up with the police and they both helped interrogating criminals for the F.B.I. Their talents of mind reading where far to valuable that they had high pay and great popularity with their people.
Life was't so easy for them; on the contrary they had a very though job were their life was in danger at all times. Stephen was kidnaped then murdered by a criminal after he had brought the criminal's sister to trial. Miracle had also been close to death but luckily survived thanks to an immediate trip to the hospital. It took a long time for her to recover both physically and mentally but she managed to be strong enough to overcome it all.
Miracle went on with helping her fellow teammates of the F.B.I bring more criminals to justice. She was served with them for two years then was moved for her safety to work undercover. Working undercover was great since she felt more comfortable knowing her life was no longer going to be in much danger. After all Miracle felt proud of herself for making the world a better place for humanity. Almost everything was good in her life except for one thing witch was not knowing anything about her ant.
Ant Madison wasn't hard to find because she still lived in the same place she used to. Miracle was very happy to find her ant was alive and healthy. Miracle quickly moved in with her ant but never could figure out who the woman who spoke to her at the hospital was. They both however decided to take a trip far far away and live their life to the fullest.
