quan11287
Oct 19, 2010
Scholarship / Academic merit, career goals and potential contribution to your home country [3]
I have put quite a lot of time into writing my personal statement and then condensing it as much as possible to meet the requirements. This is the 400-word version of the essay. Could you please help me proofread the piece of writing and make comments on the structure, ideas and use of vocab? I am currently working on the 300-word version of the essay. Your opinions will certainly be highly appreciated. Thanks a lot in advance!
Prompt: Please use this space to write a clear and short letter of support (of no more than 400 words) for your application for this scholarship. This is where you explain why you should be considered for a particular scholarship.
The essay:
Developing regulatory requirements for Vietnamese banks' risk management systems, enhancing regulations on derivatives and narrowing the gaps between Vietnamese and international accounting standards; these are the typical efforts that I would engage in as a financial policy advisor of the Vietnamese government within five years.
Currently, I am a consultant with KPMG. It was a leap from where I was two years ago and where I am now. Back then, I attended National Economics University, a leading Vietnamese university. On campus, I consistently stayed on the Dean's list; I won the first prize in an annual research competition organized for all students of my university. Off campus, I actively volunteered for a start-up local committee of AIESEC, a global non-profit organization promoting cross-cultural understanding. For over a year, I was instrumental in bringing international students to Vietnam and sending local students overseas on internships. Offering youngsters life-changing international exposure was my first experience of making a positive impact.
Upon graduation, joining the advisory department of KPMG, I was introduced to a new world of making a positive impact: organizational restructuring. Through various projects, I gradually realized that financial management represents a critical weakness for Vietnamese companies. I believe that for the transitional Vietnamese economy to thrive via economic integration, this weakness must be addressed. Financial regulatory shortcomings, however, cannot be resolved with self-restructuring from business alone. Very often, I have witnessed how flawed regulations on financial reporting, derivatives and risk management stifle corporate performance. I believe that by joining a relevant government agency, I will be in an ideal position to make a positive impact on financial regulatory reform.
To follow this path, I need extensive knowledge of international financial processes. I believe that the xxx Programme will fill in my knowledge gaps. Practical courses and access to state-of-the-art finance systems will offer me the solid understanding required for financial regulatory restructuring. Furthermore, I am keen on getting exposed to insights from fellow students with diverse backgrounds. The network of excellent peers that I can establish will also be an invaluable asset for me to draw on in the future when I work for a government body interfacing with international partners.
Long term, I see myself working as a financial policy advisor within the Ministry of Finance or the State Bank of Vietnam. The knowledge, skills and peer network from xxx will enable me to fulfil my career aspirations.
PS: I hope that I won't be deemed to have plagiarized "my own" writing if the Scholarships Committee ever googles to check for plagiarism!
I have put quite a lot of time into writing my personal statement and then condensing it as much as possible to meet the requirements. This is the 400-word version of the essay. Could you please help me proofread the piece of writing and make comments on the structure, ideas and use of vocab? I am currently working on the 300-word version of the essay. Your opinions will certainly be highly appreciated. Thanks a lot in advance!
Prompt: Please use this space to write a clear and short letter of support (of no more than 400 words) for your application for this scholarship. This is where you explain why you should be considered for a particular scholarship.
The essay:
Developing regulatory requirements for Vietnamese banks' risk management systems, enhancing regulations on derivatives and narrowing the gaps between Vietnamese and international accounting standards; these are the typical efforts that I would engage in as a financial policy advisor of the Vietnamese government within five years.
Currently, I am a consultant with KPMG. It was a leap from where I was two years ago and where I am now. Back then, I attended National Economics University, a leading Vietnamese university. On campus, I consistently stayed on the Dean's list; I won the first prize in an annual research competition organized for all students of my university. Off campus, I actively volunteered for a start-up local committee of AIESEC, a global non-profit organization promoting cross-cultural understanding. For over a year, I was instrumental in bringing international students to Vietnam and sending local students overseas on internships. Offering youngsters life-changing international exposure was my first experience of making a positive impact.
Upon graduation, joining the advisory department of KPMG, I was introduced to a new world of making a positive impact: organizational restructuring. Through various projects, I gradually realized that financial management represents a critical weakness for Vietnamese companies. I believe that for the transitional Vietnamese economy to thrive via economic integration, this weakness must be addressed. Financial regulatory shortcomings, however, cannot be resolved with self-restructuring from business alone. Very often, I have witnessed how flawed regulations on financial reporting, derivatives and risk management stifle corporate performance. I believe that by joining a relevant government agency, I will be in an ideal position to make a positive impact on financial regulatory reform.
To follow this path, I need extensive knowledge of international financial processes. I believe that the xxx Programme will fill in my knowledge gaps. Practical courses and access to state-of-the-art finance systems will offer me the solid understanding required for financial regulatory restructuring. Furthermore, I am keen on getting exposed to insights from fellow students with diverse backgrounds. The network of excellent peers that I can establish will also be an invaluable asset for me to draw on in the future when I work for a government body interfacing with international partners.
Long term, I see myself working as a financial policy advisor within the Ministry of Finance or the State Bank of Vietnam. The knowledge, skills and peer network from xxx will enable me to fulfil my career aspirations.
PS: I hope that I won't be deemed to have plagiarized "my own" writing if the Scholarships Committee ever googles to check for plagiarism!
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