Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by IBstudent0786
Joined: Nov 6, 2010
Last Post: Dec 27, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
IBstudent0786   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / My mother; strong influential person. [5]

This is for my common app essay. Please comment and critique! Thank you!

Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Sometimes we come across a strong, influential person who leaves a powerful impact on our lives. Luckily for me, I came across such a person from the very beginning of the journey of my life. My mother, who taught me to walk my first steps, who danced and sang with my crazily, and who has always been there for me as my support whenever needed, is my role model and has made an unforgettable impact on my life.

Although coming from a background of financial hardships, my mother grew up always carrying a smile on her face and looking at the positives in life instead of fretting the negatives. My mother grew up in the slums of India, growing up in only a small one-room apartment, patched up with cheap mortar for the walls and rusted iron sheets for the rooftop. The only one out of all her siblings to attend college, my mother achieved something unheard of at the time: an Honors Bachelor's Degree in Accounting. In that time, women hardly even attended school, let alone attain a college degree. However, my mother achieved this spectacular feat only by her perseverance and positive outlook in life. She studied countless hours by a small street light outside her home, helped her take care of her younger siblings, and even worked at the family shoe store that my grandparents owned. She soon helped her family out of poverty, and soon bought them a nice comfortable house for residence.

Her perseverance gives me inspiration to work hard and get the most out of my life. It gives me a goal to make her proud of her daughter, the same way her daughter is proud of her. Although my mother's life story is inspirational and has influenced me, it is not the only way my mother has affected me. Always been the one pillar on whom I have leaned for guidance and support, she has always encouraged me to be best that I can be. Even through the troubled and awkward first years to the United States, she was the person who I looked to as a role model for she took every obstacle thrown at her with determination and patience.

Being new to the country of United States at the tender age of eight, I shied away from my peers and mostly kept to myself. I found myself entering the most vicious school year: fourth grade, where elementary kids made fun of my thick accent and my other foreign ways. Later, I soon realized that my classroom was full of kids who not only lived in the same neighborhood, but had also known each other since they were toddlers. As a result, I struggled to learn the new ways things worked in this country and had trouble fitting into the social groups at my school. It was then, that whenever I felt down and dejected from being the outsider, my mother gave me solace and strength. She helped me open up, and during the mornings when she combed my hair up into a tight ponytail, she gave me the one advice that has shaped my life. She advised me to work with the other students in the classroom and to use my differences as a strongpoint to bring something new to the table instead of making it a barrier to entry. She told me to be the first one to extend the hand of friendship and to be patient, kind, and helpful. It was then, that I started befriending my classmates and started enjoying the life America had to offer.

Her advice, teachings, and determined character have stayed with me throughout my life. It is because of her that I now possess the calm, friendly personality that everyone associates me with; it is because of her that I have the determination to gain the most out of my education, and it is because of her that I am hopeful to achieve my future goals. She has positively affected me in many different ways, and I am glad to have a mother such as her. She has not only been my mother and helped me stay on the right path, but she has also been the best friend I have always counted upon. When I go to college, I am sure to miss her, but her teachings will always remain with me and give me strength from afar.
IBstudent0786   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / about my experience during summer camp (vires, artes, mores) [3]

The basic structure of your essay is great, but your wording is a little off. You have to make it sound a little more sophisticated because it IS for a college and they want to see higher level writing. You also went COMPLETELY off of the prompt, so I have tried my best to edit your version in the hope that you get in. I hope this helps! :)
IBstudent0786   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Beyond the Physical" - Common App [6]

WOW that is a powerful essay! It shows your dedication and your passion. I truly love the essay, however what is the prompt? It would make it easier to connect the essay with a given prompt of the Common App Essay. Regardless, I'm truly impressed (this coming from a school newspaper founder and editor). Good job!
IBstudent0786   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / My mother; strong influential person. [5]

Thank you for the suggestion guys but I don't know how I'll be able to include my mom's flaws to give it a twist. I have terrible writer's block right now. :/
IBstudent0786   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Satellite Swarm" Cornell Engineering Essay [3]

This is an awesome idea and a brilliant way to answer the prompt. Being a non-techie, I clearly get your point, so good job! You need just minute changes in grammar:

Energy is everything. The one thing holding civilization back is the lack of energy. W ith sufficient energy, we could colonize Antarctica, the bottom of the ocean, and even other parts of the solar system. In modern times(better word choice), the lack of a stable energy source is proving to be detrimental to human progress, as we are being threatened by global warming and decreased output of oil. One of my ideas, therefore, is to harness the largest source of energy available to us: the Sun. Now, you might be wondering where I am going with this, as solar cell technology has been around for some time. Indeed, solar cells have been deployed on the planet's surface previously, but this form of deployment suffers from several flaws, most notably the limited space available and the fact that the Sun remains obscured either by cloud cover, or the planet itself for well over 50% of the time. Therefore, I propose to create a sphere of solar cell-bearing satellites with the Sun at its centre, which will effectively harness much of the Sun's total energy output. The total energy collected by this network will be several orders of magnitude greater than the energy requirements of the entire planet, which will provide for humanity's energy needs for the foreseeable future. (I hope all of these facts you have mentioned are thoroughly researched. A great idea would be to cite the location of where you got these facts)

If this idea can ever be implemented, it will require all forms of engineering - materials engineering to improve the design of solar cells, aerospace engineering to design guidance systems for the satellites, nano-engineering to construct the various components, and(possibly even to nano-assembly plants on asteroids), and computer engineering to design the control systems for the satellite swarm. I believe Cornell is the ideal place for me to gain the necessary training in at least one of these fields and make strong connections with people who are well-educated in these various departments . (just a suggestion if you want to include it) I find that the phenomenal opportunity to gain experience by working on research projects such as CUSat will be priceless in not only giving me experience in the real world, but by also allowing me to design technologies which could have potential applications in making my idea into a reality.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳