Writing Feedback / Behemoth (a rollercoaster): Recount of an event [NEW]

Hi, I realized as I am writing this that this is an essay forum and is intended for essays or such. But i was wondering if you can please take a look at this for me. I was told by my friend that I need to work on my sentence structure and verb tenses. Any suggestions on how i should improve on this piece or writing or my writing in general is appreciated. Also, I was wondering if there is a limit to how many post you can or should make.

On a sunny day, time past by slowly as I waited eagerly to ride and eons past by before my turn came. Gazing up to the gigantic rollercoaster, I was surprisingly calm. Having seen others ride the Behemoth and equipped with information from over-exaggerated cartoons series, I thought I knew exactly what to expect. In truth, what was about to happen was beyond the border of my imagination. Behemoth, the biggest and fastest ride in Canada, would be the first rollercoaster I would ever ride in my life.

Having overheard the rumors and been through the endless lineup, my expectation for the prestigious Behemoth grew to mythical proportions. The rollercoaster buzzed to life and rolled lazily up a ramp. As it struggled up the ramp, a tinge of excitement and fear crept over me. Although I have seen the behemoth many times from afar, I never truly comprehended the enormity of it until that moment. While I admired the view my ride, I realized how high off the ground. If I could change the ride in anyway I wanted at that moment, I would have made the ride climb forever into the sky out of the fear that I will have to plummet down at some point. As I was torn between fear and excitement, I anticipated for the peak of the rollercoaster, the point when the ride would be sent into freefall. As if to answer my question, the seats in front of me dropped out of view.

There was a split second of uncertainness when the ride remained still. Then as if someone tipped over the first block in a field of dominoes, the ride began to accelerate. During the split seconds between the stillness and the freefall, my fear collided with my excitement. Needless to say, my fear won and my body entered a state of panic. Before I had the chance to brace my self or even for adrenaline to course through my body, the ride plunged down. My feet and buttocks rose off the seat as the exponential force of gravity took control. I felt certain that I would to shoot off the ride at any moment. I was going to plunge hundreds of feet and with a splat, crash onto the pavement below. I could see the headline now, "fatal tragedy, teen falls from rollercoaster".

The blockade that is my lips acted like a dam under too much pressure. At first, a small crack materialized and shot off a small pressurized stream, followed by the eventual and inevitable burst of torrent that was my scream. It was a good three seconds before I realized I had been screaming at the top of my lung and that my arms have been flapping helplessly in the air. My body instinctively forced my hand back to the iron bars. Meanwhile, frozen in terror, my mind watched helplessly as if it is trapped behind an unbreakable layer of glass. It never occurred to me to stop screaming, the sheer horror of the ride overwhelmed my mind. If someone offered to take me off the ride right there and then for everything I owed, I would have given the offer some serious consideration.

Freefalling from the coaster took no more than three seconds, yet it felt like hours before it ended. As the ride approached the plateau section, my buttock and feet dropped with a thud and found comfort in contacting solid objects. There was a shift of momentum as the sensation of being imprinted into the seat replaced the feeling of being shot off into the air. My hair fluttering in ways I thought only possible in movies. Meanwhile, my scream died down a cry in response to the transition in momentum. Traveling at neck breaking speed, my body is pressed into the seat and I strained to keep my head up. The coaster began to climb again, this time at tremendous speed. Out of breath, I gasped for air and for a moment, thought I had everything under control; only to be proven wrong as I let out another cry. Approaching freefall once again, the pitch and magnitude of the cry intensified in proportion to my anticipation, like the cry of a warrior charging into battle.

The following freefall experience was so frighteningly similar that someone might as well have rewind time and replayed my first freefall experience the way people watch a scene over and over again. What is great about rollercoaster is that the rush of freefalling does not diminish no matter how many times the person experienced it. Each slope felt refreshingly new yet frighteningly old at the same time. Every sense sharpened by adrenaline, I felt the wind in my hair, saw the flapping of arms all around me, and my muffled scream over the roaring wind. Time seemed to be in slow motion and everything seemed surreal. As ride ascended and descended, I wondered if I was experiencing reality, a flashback, or a premonition of time yet to come. Before I knew it, the ride halted to a stop. Dazed, I staggered out of the ride with a wide grin on my face that would last hours.

Even as my mind plays my experience on the ride now, I can feel my feet rise off the ground, feel the wind rushing through my hair, and hear my screams echoing in the air.

Undergraduate / Narrative Essay about a personal experience in which impacted your life [5]

Topic: Write an Narrative Essay 2-3 pages double spaced about a personal experience in which impacted your life. Must have a theme.

-This is my first time using dialogue so i'm not really familiar with the mechanics of dialogue. When writing in present tense do i use said or say? Do i always put a period in the end of a dialogue? what if the dialogue is interrupted? I tried to write in present tense

-I have concerns about keeping the attention of my reader, i personally kinda drift off after the 2nd page. Do you think i did an adequate job keeping the attention of my reader?

-I tried to write in the present sense but it seems using some past tense words were unavoidable. Am I doing something wrong here?

-Do you think the ending and general sentence structure is too awkward?

As usual thank you in advance for all your help

My family is, in my opinion, a very typical family.
My family is like fireworks across the sky, and each member as a distinct pattern that merges into one dazzling design. My family supports one another like the legs of a chair, where each member is a leg that supports the others and bears the weight of one another. My family operates like a clock, where each member is a vital component that keeps it ticking. But there are times when I see my family as cold and calculating, much like the world of politics.

...

Writing Feedback / Essay Based on an Essay You Read [3]

Essay Topic:
-Write an informal essay based on one of the essay you've read in class (I chose "English as Second Language, English as First Love" by Stephen Baker from Thinking Through the Essay Second Edition). Agree or disagree with Authors Point Of View and supporting arguments, refer to specific example from the essay. Draw upon personal experience, always referring back to the essay. One and a half pages double spaced (I have around two pages )

-Is there any way to say my thesis statement in another more interesting way? My thesis statement is very typical and i did not find it very interesting

-Also what do you suggest I cut short to meet the one and a half page requirement?
-Do you think my reference to the Christian crusaders will offend?

In the middle ages, Christian crusaders thought Christianity is the religion for all European as they waged the holy war. During the Early Modern period, doctors thought they knew what is good for their patients as they applied leeches to virtually every disease. It seems there were, are, and always will be people who think they know what is best for others even though they do not. Today, one such person is Stephen Baker. In his Essay "English as Second Language, English as First Love", Stephen expresses that English should be the first language of all North Americans. While he makes a powerful argument in his essay, I feel that the people, not him, know best about which language to speak as first language. We should not all speak English as first language because no one has the right to chose the first language for another, because we all have different suitable first languages, and also because a language is about more than just a way of speech.

No one has the right to declare English or any other language as the most suitable first language for North Americans. As of 2006, three hundred and eleven distinct languages are spoken in North America. Ziad Fazah, the world's greatest linguistic mastered a little under sixty languages in his lifetime. No individual in history has yet comes close to knowing all of North America's languages let alone makes comparison all of these languages. Hence, no one has the right to describe English as "nothing even comes close to it in sound, eloquence and just plain common sense" , or pronounce it as "among the easiest languages to learn" .

Everyone is unique in that they have different needs, learning obstacles, and linguistic tastes. Take the large selection of English vocabulary for example, while one person might see it as "the reason for my love affair with the English language" ; another might find such a vast vocabulary pointless and bothersome. A language that one person describes as "grammatically it makes sense" might not make sense to someone else. Languages one person mocks as being "languages that take pleasure in wallowing in adjectives and adverbs" might be languages that others appreciate. Each person has a different suitable first language, which makes it impossible to assign a single language to be the most suitable first language for North Americans.

For many people, a language is not just a way to communicate; it is also a part of their culture. To me, the Chinese language signifies the history of my ancestors. If I was to "nurture my memories from the old country" in the sharing of Chinese traditions, I would never use English because a certain air of charm is lost when the story is translated. Similarly, Aboriginal tales are always told in indigenous tongue because the aboriginal language carries an air of solemnity that is a part of their way of life. People of Spain love their language because it is the voice of passion. French people pride themselves that their language is that of eloquence and sophistication. To these individuals who feel such way about their language, using any other language would be betraying their traditions.

North Americans should have the right to speak any language as their first language. While I feel happy that the author has fostered such a deep love for English, he should be more considerate of the love others have for their respective language. To make English the first language of all North American would be to take a step backward towards the time of indifference. In our ever moving society, it is our continuing acceptance of diversity, not of conformity, that will help us strive towards a better society.

Writing Feedback / Personal Response (Ten Things the Chinese Do Much Better Than We Do) [3]

Assignment:
Write a personal reflection on the essay Ten Things the Chinese Do Better Than We Do. The personal reflection can be of any format.
Length: Two pages double spaced.

The quotes are cited but it is lost during the copy and paste process.

Title of Personal Response: Five Things the Chinese May or May Not Do Better Than We Do

Life is the journey of self actualization. Les Browne, a motivational speaker, author, and television personality once said "Perfection does not exist -- you can always do better and you can always grow." Indeed, there are always ways to improve and we should always try to better ourselves. This is exactly what Jan Wong is trying to articulate in her essay "Ten Things the Chinese Do Much Better Than We Do". In this essay, Jan Wong lists a number of things that we as Canadians can improve on by learning from the Chinese. While I agree that we can learn a lot from the Chinese, I do not think this is true for the things she has compiled in her essay. The content of the essay "Ten Things the Chinese Do Much Better Than We Do" is outdated and fails to consider both side of the argument. This has resulted in a biased and incomprehensive comparison of the ten things. In truth, an unbiased comparison of the ten things on the list would reveal drastically different results for half of the things on the list.

#1 on Wong's list, Cell phones: Winner- China
Canadian cell phones and cell phone payment system have improved in the four years since the time the essay was written. Nowadays, Canadian cell phone payment systems are diversified plans that meet the needs of people both rich and poor. Our cell phone payment systems are not consist of expensive monthly contracts, as Wong implies when she describes the Chinese cell phone payment system as "cheap, pay as you go system, with no stupid monthly contracts." Furthermore, our cell phone has superior quality compared to the Chinese cell phone, especially after the recent arrival of the IPhone.

On the other hand, Chinese cell phones are better than ours in many aspects such as signal reach, "cover, ubiquity, and price". While it is true that Chinese have better cell phone and cell phone systems, it is far from the author's view that "by any standard you can think of, China's cellphone practices beats ours."

#2 on Wong' list, Informative stop lights: Result- tie
The author argues that the Chinese has better informative stop lights because their lights "offer a countdown clock for both green and red signals." In Canada, the pedestrian countdown lights have the same function as the countdown clock for vehicles in China. During green lights, a driver can assess the time left by looking at the countdown clock for pedestrian in front of the vehicle. Similarly, the amount of time left until a green light can be deduced by looking at the pedestrian countdown at the left or right side of the vehicle.

#4 on Wong's list, Adult playgrounds: Winner- Canada
The author states that the Chinese does a better job at adult playgrounds for having "free outdoor exercise equipments in various neighbourhoods." However, the author has failed to mention the inaccessibility and the lack of maintenance for these equipments. Having lived in China, I know from experience that the typical wait time for some of these equipments are half an hour long. Typical wait time for popular equipments can exceed over an hour. If a piece of equipment breaks down, it takes a few months before it is replaced. Furthermore, the Chinese do not have access to anything that takes up large areas, such as soccer fields and parks.

Canadians have access to a variety of adult playgrounds that are maintained regularly. This includes soccer fields, national parks, indoor pools, and basketball courts, just to name a few.

#5 on Wong's list, Anti theft slipcovers: Winner- Canada
Chinese has invented the anti theft slipcover. By simply throwing it over the valuables, it effectively makes it harder for thieves to steal the valuables.

Canadian's most ingenious defense against theft is the scarcity of theft, which is much more effective than any slipcovers.

#6 on Wong's list, Daily banking: Result- tie
Contrary to the author's belief that Canadian banks "opens for a few hours on Saturday morning", Banks in Canada opens for eight hours just like Chinese banks. Furthermore, Canadians and Chinese have similar ATMs, online banking, and telephone banking. In short, the quality of banking is about the same in both countries.

Contrary to the author's belief that Canadian banks "opens for a few hours on Saturday morning" (which might have been true four years ago), Banks in Canada opens for eight hours just like Chinese banks. Furthermore, Canadians and Chinese have similar ATMs, online banking, and telephone banking. In short, the quality of banking is about the same in both countries.

The list Wong compiled is inaccurate because the author failed to support both sides of the argument and more importantly because the essay is outdated. Originally, I regarded the fact the essay is outdated with disdain. Only now do I see that the fact the essay is outdated is a direct result of the rapid pace at which our society is improving. If this is the case, then maybe the fact that the essay is outdated is an asset to the essay. After all, what better way is there to show the theme of self actualization than to make the essay itself a testament of the rapid pace at which our society is improving?

Dear Gloria: With concern to the essay I am wondering:
-Does the personal response keep your attention throughout? If not, is there anything i can do to improve it?
-Do you find the structuring effective? (I'm referring to the fact that I wrote the essay using the same structure as the essay i was writing about which is simply a few paragraphs introducing the topic followed by a list of things that makes up the body of her essay. Does it even matter that I did this?)

-Does the personal response flow? What can I do to make it flow better?

As always thank you in advance for your suggestions.

Writing Feedback / Personal Response -The Wars [3]

Assignment:
In your opinion what does Robert possess that should help him survive the war? What are his flaws, especially within the context of war? This assignment is based on part one of Timothy Findley's "The Wars"

At an early age, I was taught that a person will prosper as long as that person does the right thing. This idea is evident in the countless war movies and television series where the protagonist always prevails. Having spent a great deal of time watching war movies and television series during my youth, I used to be convinced that individuals like Robert from The Wars, who does what is right, always survives the war. Looking back at the subject of war as a high school student, I realize the reality of war is far more brutal and senseless compared to the war depicted on television. In reality, Robert is far less likely to survive the war. While it is evident that Robert has much potential for surviving the war, I believe he would not survive for long because of his humane nature.

Robert possesses many traits of a fine soldier such as physical fitness, practicality, and perseverance. Robert's physical fitness is exhibited when he goes on evening jogs despite the intense physically drill that lasts from "dawn to suppertimes" (p.24) during his training at the military academy. He displays practicality when he came up with realistic solutions to clean up the horse hold (p.62) given the little resources available. Furthermore, the fact that Robert ran until he collapsed during the twenty six lap marathon (p.47) shows his strong sense of perseverance. Clearly, Robert has the potential to survive the war since he already possesses many traits necessary for survival.

While Robert might have many things going for him in the context of war, he is missing several crucial traits such as the ability to deal with death, to kill, and to obey orders without thinking independently. The fact that Robert enlisted as a result of Rowena's death shows his inability to deal with death. Without the ability to accept death, one can be driven insane on the battlefield, where death is a common sight and anyone can die at any second. Robert's inability to kill a horse during the voyage oversea (p.68) exposes his inability to kill. In a place where one has to kill or be killed, Robert will not live for long if he cannot kill without hesitation. Lastly, the fact that Robert joined the army when he was expected to stay at home and start a family shows he is an independent thinker who does not follow orders he feels strongly against. Disobeying the order of superior officer is penalized with dishonourable discharge, criminal imprisonment, and possibly death. Therefore, the fact that Robert acts and thinks independently is extremely dangerous to his survival in war. To truly survive at war, one must be able to deal with the mental distresses on a battlefield; in this case Robert simply has not shown the ability to do so.

Robert possesses many traits that can help him survive the war, but he lacks several crucial traits that are necessary for war. The fact that he is a few traits short can be compared to being a leg short of a table. These traits that he lacks are crucial to his survival and missing even one could spell disaster. In the upcoming chapters, he has to learn these traits if he wants to have a chance of surviving the war.

Please read and revise. How does it flow at the moment? Any suggestion to help me achieve flow?

Please and Thank you :)