photobrat93
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "a passion for exploring the world" - Colorado Admission Essay Critique [NEW]
Here is the prompt:
The University of Colorado at Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?
Here is my essay. I feel as if the last paragraph could be better but I'm out of ideas. Suggestions?
Every person has a turning point in their life. Whether it is a mid-life crisis or the need for change, it alters that person's life forever. A change makes all the difference in one's future. On April 1, 2007, I did away with all that was familiar to me and moved 2,343 miles away from my entire life by myself. I moved in with my father who I didn't know much about, but my family was only a phone call away. With no connections to my new home in Sedona, Arizona, I had the chance to be who I wanted. I instantly found my own niche in school. With my newly found courage, I stepped outside that small box with concrete barricades I made growing up. My determination for change in my life led me on the path of learning about who I truly was, not the idea of myself I held. I gained new perspectives of the immense and surrounding world and insight into new cultures that were foreign to me. While uncontrollable circumstances may have brought me back to my personal starting line in New Jersey, I am eager to go west for the next chapter of my life.
Two simple years in Arizona have showed me that a person does not need a known, miraculous or unique quality to better a diverse community. There are no doubles on planet Earth, only unparalleled individuals. One of the most alluring elements of the true college experience is being away from the familiar viewpoints and having the chance to meet such a collection of different people who all have their own thoughts and opinions. This gives each person the chance to learn from others and exchange ideas and knowledge. I find value in the stories that others share and utilize what I gain from them to benefit my daily life and future. Through each conversation comes the opportunity to have a positive attitude and open mind with the interests of heightening my understanding of the world through not only conversing, but my academic studies as well.
With a passion for exploring the world we share and learning from even the smallest adventure, I plan to take advantage of all the courses and opportunities that The University of Colorado Boulder has to offer. I hope to receive a fulfilling education to better prepare myself for my future.
Here is the prompt:
The University of Colorado at Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?
Here is my essay. I feel as if the last paragraph could be better but I'm out of ideas. Suggestions?
Every person has a turning point in their life. Whether it is a mid-life crisis or the need for change, it alters that person's life forever. A change makes all the difference in one's future. On April 1, 2007, I did away with all that was familiar to me and moved 2,343 miles away from my entire life by myself. I moved in with my father who I didn't know much about, but my family was only a phone call away. With no connections to my new home in Sedona, Arizona, I had the chance to be who I wanted. I instantly found my own niche in school. With my newly found courage, I stepped outside that small box with concrete barricades I made growing up. My determination for change in my life led me on the path of learning about who I truly was, not the idea of myself I held. I gained new perspectives of the immense and surrounding world and insight into new cultures that were foreign to me. While uncontrollable circumstances may have brought me back to my personal starting line in New Jersey, I am eager to go west for the next chapter of my life.
Two simple years in Arizona have showed me that a person does not need a known, miraculous or unique quality to better a diverse community. There are no doubles on planet Earth, only unparalleled individuals. One of the most alluring elements of the true college experience is being away from the familiar viewpoints and having the chance to meet such a collection of different people who all have their own thoughts and opinions. This gives each person the chance to learn from others and exchange ideas and knowledge. I find value in the stories that others share and utilize what I gain from them to benefit my daily life and future. Through each conversation comes the opportunity to have a positive attitude and open mind with the interests of heightening my understanding of the world through not only conversing, but my academic studies as well.
With a passion for exploring the world we share and learning from even the smallest adventure, I plan to take advantage of all the courses and opportunities that The University of Colorado Boulder has to offer. I hope to receive a fulfilling education to better prepare myself for my future.