JasonCahela
Jan 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / The Importance of Brotherhood and Loyalty to Personal Beliefs (obstacles) [3]
In 500 words or less, please provide information about any personal or financial obstacles that you have had to overcome.
Bryan and I were two sides of the same coin. As an older brother, he exercised every right obtained with the six-year age difference; he was strict and forceful, but also protective and full of love. To this day, I look up to his confidence, and hate his anger. However, despite everything, there is the defining moment where one realizes that even the most opposite people can teach valuable lessons, and by nearly becoming homeless, I learned the importance of brotherhood and loyalty to my beliefs.
Growing up in Hawaii, Bryan and I experienced two very different generations. He surrounded himself with the underbellies of society, started smoking at age 14, and gave no interest in school. His history resulted in a charismatic friendliness that I can only hope to imitate. On the other hand, I surrounded myself with the neighborhood kids, played card games, and performed well in school; my awkward shyness continues to be an obstacle I must overcome from a lifetime of introversion. After moving to Germany, our differences collided nearly every day until he moved back to Hawaii.
During the summer of 2010, I visited Hawaii to see family and old friends. My summer home consisted of a beach for a backyard, and I had the privilege to share a two-bedroom house with grandparents, my brother, a flea-ridden dog, and all the roaches, geckos and ants that lodged there as welcomed guests. It was July 7th when our Grandma told me the news: "me and your Grandpa going Vegas for one week for his birthday, I don't trust Bryan so we kicking him out. You can stay at Aunty Michelle's house". Of course, I made all the arguments a sympathetic brother would make: "why can't Bryan stay at Aunty Michelle's too? Why don't you trust him?", yet none of these questions resulted in a concrete response. Soon it became clear that the only ones who welcomed Bryan were me and the tent in the backyard.
Only one thing was clear that day: I couldn't accept a place to stay when my own brother was being cast out into the streets. As he and I talked, I witnessed a strong, confident man-whom I emulated for his courage-cry. To a man who placed family above any other value, our grandmother's gesture broke him. So on that day, my birthday, I refused living anywhere Bryan wasn't welcomed; "If you're making him homeless for a week, you're making me homeless too". She looked at me with eyes of pity and guilt and allowed us to live in her house while she was gone.
As I defended Bryan that day, and fought against the very woman who raised my mother, I realized that although loyalty to family is important, loyalty to one's own beliefs is essential. I discovered that family is the most significant value to defend, even when that very family attempts to destroy it.
Please help me revise it!
In 500 words or less, please provide information about any personal or financial obstacles that you have had to overcome.
Bryan and I were two sides of the same coin. As an older brother, he exercised every right obtained with the six-year age difference; he was strict and forceful, but also protective and full of love. To this day, I look up to his confidence, and hate his anger. However, despite everything, there is the defining moment where one realizes that even the most opposite people can teach valuable lessons, and by nearly becoming homeless, I learned the importance of brotherhood and loyalty to my beliefs.
Growing up in Hawaii, Bryan and I experienced two very different generations. He surrounded himself with the underbellies of society, started smoking at age 14, and gave no interest in school. His history resulted in a charismatic friendliness that I can only hope to imitate. On the other hand, I surrounded myself with the neighborhood kids, played card games, and performed well in school; my awkward shyness continues to be an obstacle I must overcome from a lifetime of introversion. After moving to Germany, our differences collided nearly every day until he moved back to Hawaii.
During the summer of 2010, I visited Hawaii to see family and old friends. My summer home consisted of a beach for a backyard, and I had the privilege to share a two-bedroom house with grandparents, my brother, a flea-ridden dog, and all the roaches, geckos and ants that lodged there as welcomed guests. It was July 7th when our Grandma told me the news: "me and your Grandpa going Vegas for one week for his birthday, I don't trust Bryan so we kicking him out. You can stay at Aunty Michelle's house". Of course, I made all the arguments a sympathetic brother would make: "why can't Bryan stay at Aunty Michelle's too? Why don't you trust him?", yet none of these questions resulted in a concrete response. Soon it became clear that the only ones who welcomed Bryan were me and the tent in the backyard.
Only one thing was clear that day: I couldn't accept a place to stay when my own brother was being cast out into the streets. As he and I talked, I witnessed a strong, confident man-whom I emulated for his courage-cry. To a man who placed family above any other value, our grandmother's gesture broke him. So on that day, my birthday, I refused living anywhere Bryan wasn't welcomed; "If you're making him homeless for a week, you're making me homeless too". She looked at me with eyes of pity and guilt and allowed us to live in her house while she was gone.
As I defended Bryan that day, and fought against the very woman who raised my mother, I realized that although loyalty to family is important, loyalty to one's own beliefs is essential. I discovered that family is the most significant value to defend, even when that very family attempts to destroy it.
Please help me revise it!