esthie_
Oct 14, 2008
Undergraduate / UF Essay - "Ready for My Unpredictable Future" [4]
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
---
I asked, Why me? Why, when my friends are care-free and enjoying normal teenage lives, am I in this place? Why am I the one to experience an emotional burden so heavy and severe that I must suffer alone?
I looked into the faces of my best friends; I tried a couple of times. Each time I looked one of them in the eyes, with a desperate desire to be understood and comforted, I eventually couldn't. I wanted to vent to them my feelings and thoughts, just as I could provoke their sympathy when I complained about how I had done terribly on a test I studied hard for. This was something of another depth, of another world of circumstances that they hadn't seen. I found no asylum for my tormented emotions in their eyes. They could not understand this experience that was of my life only. Also, I didn't want to embarrass her.
I came home from school, refreshed slightly by having been around peers who were free of my troubles but also with a tugging yearning in my heart for the compassion and intimacy that could be between us without barriers, if not for this thing. I felt comforted but at the same time inconsolable. I felt lonely, distressed. I was angry.
My mom called for me from upstairs, and I shook off my thoughts and rushed to the rescue. I sat down next to her.
She looked weary.
"Yeah, Mom?" I asked, in the same gentle, caring way I had many times before.
"Why do you think your dad is trying to sell me?" She asked me, unsurprisingly.
"Dad is not trying to sell you. How could you think such a thing? People around here do not sell other people...and what purpose would he have in selling you? Who would take you away, for what Mom? Think about it. It doesn't make sense. And he loves you too much, don't you realize?" I insisted, reassuring her.
"Are you so sure that you know him and trust him so well?" She replied, unreasonably.
It was surely unreasonable. Her beliefs were based on hallucinations and delusions. My mom suffers from mild schizophrenia.
In the midst of the conversation I was having with my mom, when I saw in her face sadness and pain inflicted by the lies that controlled her sometimes, the weight I had been carrying in my heart couldn't hold itself any longer and I broke down. I started weeping.
Tears streamed down my face as I thought about how she deserved so much better, and how my overworked dad and younger brother shouldn't have to go through all this. I also cried for myself.
Watching my mom struggle and struggling with her have been difficult. However, as I look into the person I have become, I realize the very strong role this long journey has played in shaping my abysmal love for my mom and endurance/strength. Such experience has also caused me to seek joy that is more than happiness, real joy that withstands all circumstances. I shine in the darkness; I disregard petty rains in remembrance of storms. My relationships flourish with richness. With my unlimited ability to sympathize with others and readiness to tackle any obstacle that comes my way, as well as with my persevering ambition and faith, I look to my future. I appreciate all of my experiences that have made me stronger and tamed my humaneness. I thank God for leading me every step of the way. For all reasons other than that it's been easy, I am glad it was me.
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
---
I asked, Why me? Why, when my friends are care-free and enjoying normal teenage lives, am I in this place? Why am I the one to experience an emotional burden so heavy and severe that I must suffer alone?
I looked into the faces of my best friends; I tried a couple of times. Each time I looked one of them in the eyes, with a desperate desire to be understood and comforted, I eventually couldn't. I wanted to vent to them my feelings and thoughts, just as I could provoke their sympathy when I complained about how I had done terribly on a test I studied hard for. This was something of another depth, of another world of circumstances that they hadn't seen. I found no asylum for my tormented emotions in their eyes. They could not understand this experience that was of my life only. Also, I didn't want to embarrass her.
I came home from school, refreshed slightly by having been around peers who were free of my troubles but also with a tugging yearning in my heart for the compassion and intimacy that could be between us without barriers, if not for this thing. I felt comforted but at the same time inconsolable. I felt lonely, distressed. I was angry.
My mom called for me from upstairs, and I shook off my thoughts and rushed to the rescue. I sat down next to her.
She looked weary.
"Yeah, Mom?" I asked, in the same gentle, caring way I had many times before.
"Why do you think your dad is trying to sell me?" She asked me, unsurprisingly.
"Dad is not trying to sell you. How could you think such a thing? People around here do not sell other people...and what purpose would he have in selling you? Who would take you away, for what Mom? Think about it. It doesn't make sense. And he loves you too much, don't you realize?" I insisted, reassuring her.
"Are you so sure that you know him and trust him so well?" She replied, unreasonably.
It was surely unreasonable. Her beliefs were based on hallucinations and delusions. My mom suffers from mild schizophrenia.
In the midst of the conversation I was having with my mom, when I saw in her face sadness and pain inflicted by the lies that controlled her sometimes, the weight I had been carrying in my heart couldn't hold itself any longer and I broke down. I started weeping.
Tears streamed down my face as I thought about how she deserved so much better, and how my overworked dad and younger brother shouldn't have to go through all this. I also cried for myself.
Watching my mom struggle and struggling with her have been difficult. However, as I look into the person I have become, I realize the very strong role this long journey has played in shaping my abysmal love for my mom and endurance/strength. Such experience has also caused me to seek joy that is more than happiness, real joy that withstands all circumstances. I shine in the darkness; I disregard petty rains in remembrance of storms. My relationships flourish with richness. With my unlimited ability to sympathize with others and readiness to tackle any obstacle that comes my way, as well as with my persevering ambition and faith, I look to my future. I appreciate all of my experiences that have made me stronger and tamed my humaneness. I thank God for leading me every step of the way. For all reasons other than that it's been easy, I am glad it was me.