Writing Feedback / An essay about effects of Living in a Foreign Conuntry! [4]

Hi Everyone,
Last week, I wrote an essay about Living abroad. However, my teacher thinks my essay needs to improve. In fact, I think it's good essay and I tried to do my best. Now, I hope you help me to correction this essay.

Living in a Foreign Country.

Living abroad is a tempting opportunity for people that could lead to gain a lot of useful experiences and valuable knowledge. However, Living in a foreign country can be an experience both exhilarating and daunting. A t the same time, it would be new experience and memorable days, but through this period of time these will not be ordinary days. People who lived away from their countries usually face some effect, this essay aims to mention the three most common effects of living in a foreign country that can change people's personal lives.

The major effect, and also a very common one, is missing anything that reminding you of both your family and hometown. Living away from your family sometimes district your attention and makes you feel homesick. Especially, when you face up some issue which you are unable to resolve and lacked to whose support. That supposedly would makes you realize how valuable your family is. Furthermore, the simple things would remind you where you belong such as a bird's song, trees blowing in the wind, sunrise, calm night, people' speech, and all of the community life around you.

The second main effect is acquiring the knowledge to how accept culture and traditions of foreign societies. Living abroad would be allow you to wander in values and habits which are totally different of yours. Thus, it will be opportunity to develop your opinion for societies and accepting different opinions that will make you be able to achieve the truth knowledge. Furthermore, the knowing and access to other culture is sponsor to gives you open- minded. Whatever, these things would makes you be sticking to your most important values and be able to change and improve which needs to be improved, according to what you believe.

The third and perhaps most important effect is personal development and learning a new language. Living away from home ,makes you more confident and independent, is building up the independent behavior inside of you. You have to do everything and solve your problem by yourself. It is also be responsible of organizing your life and achieve your goals. In addition, you would be able to learn a new language to become able to communicate with people in the foreign country. Apart from that, the language may have different grammar or pronunciation, so you should study a lot of things. However, people who are bilingual have a better ability to think.

Living abroad brings a lot of hard things and it could gives some people a new life. Living far from family could be sometimes difficult in your life, but on the other hand it would be to lead you to get new knowledge, such as how to accept cultures and traditions of other societies. Living abroad is a rare opportunity that you should get all of its benefits.

* My teacher makes note about the second body which is third paragraph , she wrote:
"very confusing paragraph. You are trying to say that acquiring the knowledge of a new culture will help you learn new values and will also make your own values stronger".