jasmine138
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY - VOLUNTEERING AT DAY CARE CENTER (SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE) [7]
Following is my common app essay. I am unsure about punctuation rules when using dialogue, so it would really be helpful if I could get feedback on that. Also, does this essay flow well? Is the lesson too cheesy? Any help will be appreciated.
*for some reason I could not get the formatting with the indents right, so I used _____ instead of indents. Thanks in advance!
A Lasting Memory
_____8 A.M., the Changjun day care center staffs move busily to accommodate for the 26 elders, who all suffer from some degree of dementia. When everyone settles down into his or her seat, a cheerful staff member leads the morning exercise. As a volunteer, I go around serving water and greeting the elders.
_____ One of my daily tasks as a volunteer was encouraging the elders to exercise after lunch. After several promptings, most elders reluctantly accepted my suggestion, but there was one person I could not convince: Mr. Noh.
_____ Mr. Noh did not have the most amiable personality; from origami to brushing his teeth, he refused to partake. The staff agreed that it was very hard to get him to exercise. However, the fact that this was a challenge fueled my desire to make it happen.
Everyday after lunch, I sat by him, trying to initiate a conversation. However, he did not respond and only pretended to sleep.
_____ One afternoon in late June, I went beside him again and asked,
_____ "Mr. Noh, did you like today's lunch? I thought the soup was pretty good."
_____ He seemed to be sleeping at first, but he replied,
_____ "It was alright."
_____ I grabbed this opportunity and continued the conversation. Towards the end of exercise time, I added lightheartedly,
_____ "Mr. Noh, how about we take a walk? I'm sure it will help prolong your handsomeness."
_____ I expected him to ignore this flippant comment, but much to my surprise, he chuckled. Then, he asked, with the friendliest smile,
_____ "What's your name? You look pretty young." Surprised, I responded,
_____ "I'm Allison, a student volunteer. Mr. Noh, how about we take a short walk around the room? I would love to have a conversation with you as we walk."
_____ He hesitated at first, but soon, struggled to stand up. I helped him up, and arms linked, we started walking around the room. The staff were highly surprised and jokingly commented that Mr. Noh plays favorites. I beamed, welling with a sense of achievement.
_____ The next day, I cheerfully walked to the day care center. I was determined to succeed once more.
_____ "Mr. Noh! Your face looks much brighter today. Maybe it's the exercise? How about we walk again?" I suggested excitedly after lunch. However, there was silence.
_____ "Mr. Noh...are you sleeping?" I asked, tapping his shoulder. Suddenly, he gave me a stranger's glance and then closed his eyes again. I was shocked. Yesterday had already gone from his mind.
_____ That evening, I reminded myself that persistence was what had allowed me to convince him initially. I could not give up now, just because he could not remember me. Hence, the next day and every time I volunteered, I consistently sat by his side during exercise time.
_____ By the end of summer, there were no dramatic changes in Mr. Noh. Most of the time, he was in a grumpy mood, cold and unresponsive. Some days, he answered me but refused to walk. Then, very few days, he smiled at me again, asked the same questions, and walked with me. Because of those moments, memories that only live in my mind, I was encouraged not to give up on him.
_____ One could say that my time volunteering was unrewarding. However, no matter how short-lived I was in Mr. Noh's mind, I have gained memories and traits that have made a lasting impact on my attitude toward service: serving without expectations.
Following is my common app essay. I am unsure about punctuation rules when using dialogue, so it would really be helpful if I could get feedback on that. Also, does this essay flow well? Is the lesson too cheesy? Any help will be appreciated.
*for some reason I could not get the formatting with the indents right, so I used _____ instead of indents. Thanks in advance!
A Lasting Memory
_____8 A.M., the Changjun day care center staffs move busily to accommodate for the 26 elders, who all suffer from some degree of dementia. When everyone settles down into his or her seat, a cheerful staff member leads the morning exercise. As a volunteer, I go around serving water and greeting the elders.
_____ One of my daily tasks as a volunteer was encouraging the elders to exercise after lunch. After several promptings, most elders reluctantly accepted my suggestion, but there was one person I could not convince: Mr. Noh.
_____ Mr. Noh did not have the most amiable personality; from origami to brushing his teeth, he refused to partake. The staff agreed that it was very hard to get him to exercise. However, the fact that this was a challenge fueled my desire to make it happen.
Everyday after lunch, I sat by him, trying to initiate a conversation. However, he did not respond and only pretended to sleep.
_____ One afternoon in late June, I went beside him again and asked,
_____ "Mr. Noh, did you like today's lunch? I thought the soup was pretty good."
_____ He seemed to be sleeping at first, but he replied,
_____ "It was alright."
_____ I grabbed this opportunity and continued the conversation. Towards the end of exercise time, I added lightheartedly,
_____ "Mr. Noh, how about we take a walk? I'm sure it will help prolong your handsomeness."
_____ I expected him to ignore this flippant comment, but much to my surprise, he chuckled. Then, he asked, with the friendliest smile,
_____ "What's your name? You look pretty young." Surprised, I responded,
_____ "I'm Allison, a student volunteer. Mr. Noh, how about we take a short walk around the room? I would love to have a conversation with you as we walk."
_____ He hesitated at first, but soon, struggled to stand up. I helped him up, and arms linked, we started walking around the room. The staff were highly surprised and jokingly commented that Mr. Noh plays favorites. I beamed, welling with a sense of achievement.
_____ The next day, I cheerfully walked to the day care center. I was determined to succeed once more.
_____ "Mr. Noh! Your face looks much brighter today. Maybe it's the exercise? How about we walk again?" I suggested excitedly after lunch. However, there was silence.
_____ "Mr. Noh...are you sleeping?" I asked, tapping his shoulder. Suddenly, he gave me a stranger's glance and then closed his eyes again. I was shocked. Yesterday had already gone from his mind.
_____ That evening, I reminded myself that persistence was what had allowed me to convince him initially. I could not give up now, just because he could not remember me. Hence, the next day and every time I volunteered, I consistently sat by his side during exercise time.
_____ By the end of summer, there were no dramatic changes in Mr. Noh. Most of the time, he was in a grumpy mood, cold and unresponsive. Some days, he answered me but refused to walk. Then, very few days, he smiled at me again, asked the same questions, and walked with me. Because of those moments, memories that only live in my mind, I was encouraged not to give up on him.
_____ One could say that my time volunteering was unrewarding. However, no matter how short-lived I was in Mr. Noh's mind, I have gained memories and traits that have made a lasting impact on my attitude toward service: serving without expectations.