Posts by failedsleeper

failedsleeper

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Question - Is playing an instrument an okay topic for the Common App's long essay? [5]

Common App prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
1. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
2. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
3. Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

4. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

5. Topic of your choice.

Question: Is it appropriate to use an essay about playing upright bass for the long essay on the Common App? I was worried that, since the Common App asks a short answer question about an extracurricular activity, and I listed bass-playing and string orchestra in the activities section, submitting a long essay about playing bass might seem redundant, or the topic might not be welcomed, even if using the "Topic of your choice" option. I answered the short-answer question with an essay about my involvement in one of my school's clubs, by the way.

Any thoughts? Thanks!

failedsleeper

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Question - Is playing an instrument an okay topic for the Common App's long essay? [5]

Thank you for your advice!
Sorry for the confusion; I wrote about involvement in a school club for the short answer question, not about playing bass. Regardless, I think it would be better to write about something more personal for the long essay.

failedsleeper

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Question - Is playing an instrument an okay topic for the Common App's long essay? [5]

Certainly!

failedsleeper

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My Indian origin' - Brown Supplement [6]

This essay seems very comprehensive for its size. I noticed a few details that you could change, though.

As I was reading the essay, I wondered why you made the distinction between "culture" and "heritage." Though distinguishing between the two is certainly valid, I feel like you might want to put less emphasis on the difference unless you intend to incorporate the difference later in your essay and use it to make some kind of point.

Also:
"Without any of these vital aspects of life, my perspective of the world and my future would differ; thus, my aspirations and goals in life would be dissimilar."

This sentence, to me, seems a bit too formal, sort of like an unnecessary syllogism, and also seems kind of rough. Also, there's an error in the first prepositional phrase because it implies that the "vital aspects" belong to your "perspective of the world" and your "future." Overall, I would make this sentence more general, and probably shorten it.

In this:
"the Indian community has shaped me by influencing my style of life and resulting decisions."
I would remove the passive voice and write:
"the Indian community has influenced... [or 'has shaped'-stronger verb]." And you could probably just change "style of life and resulting decisions" to "lifestyle," as currently the sentence seems to have some unnecessary baggage. You could also explain these "decisions," if you feel they might garner the interest of the admissions committee.

"It is with these views that I have become a unique individual having both Indian and American influences ."
red - This phrase seems redundant.
blue - The reader already knows this. Perhaps you could, instead of repeating that both Indian and American cultures have influenced you, write about what political, religious, and moral views you hold as a result of these culture influences. After all, having Indian and American influences isn't really unique, considering the number of people holding such influences.

Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views .
red - This should be "points of view."

Overall, your essay is good! I only dissected it for minor errors. One thing that you might want to do is mention specific beliefs, views, or religious stances - any concrete idea that stems from the influence of your Indian culture and heritage, perhaps one that you are proud of or hold especially strongly.