Writing Feedback / 'How I viewed Islamic missionaries' - personal essay [2]

Actually i needed to add the following para to my personal essay but i cannot write my thoughts fluently and convincingly on the paper...so kindly refine it ...in 2nd para, i have tried to describe a mosque but cant exactly describe it so help me with that....help is also required in the third para

I had viewed Islamic missionaries as a recruiting arm for militants-a stance which seriously offended my friend, Ali. He insisted that I spend a week with the missionaries before forming any opinion regarding them.

Upon constant insistence.I set out on a religious journey of 10 days with a team of 12 members. Our team was sent to a far flung area of Pakistan.

As we reached our destination, we used a mosque, located at the centre of the town, as our base. The condition of mosque was pitiful. The walls were made of mud-brick, prayer hall was uncovered and floor was uneven on which we were supposed to sleep. There was no electricity which meant that the team spent hours without fans in hot weather. Also, as there was no gas supply, we had to buy gas cylinders to cook food.

During our first day of stay, everyone was told his role. I was selected as the preacher for the last 5 days. I was hesitant to accept the post not because I feared confronting people but because i, myself, was not convinced of the stance that i was supposed to preach others: the role of religious teams was to encourage people to enjoin good. However, as I could not run away with the task assigned, I spent more and more time with the members to learn about their stance. Ultimately, I did a pretty handsome job at encouraging people-whom I preached- to practice tolerance and good.

thanking you in advance....

Writing Feedback / 'SECOND SEMESTER RESUMES' - personal essay: Experiencing life [2]

Kindly, give me your feedback on the following personal essay and how can i improve it to give a more clearer picture of myself

The drawer opens. A tall man takes out a red notebook, relaxes against the pillow and opens it. He turns over a few pages and then, stops at one and begins to read silently:

SECOND SEMESTER RESUMES
Day 1:
I did not want to return to Cadet College Hasanabdal after this winter break. I told my mother, with utmost innocence, what I had been going through during my stay at the college. I confessed to her that I could not socialize with such a diverse community. I was constantly bullied by my peers: they mocked at my running style, made fun of my debating and discouraged me to play any sport. I sincerely hoped my mother would not send me back but here I am: back in the college.

Day 2:
Nothing special. While others enjoy themselves outside, I write down my diary. By the way, I think I should run away-that's my only escape.

Day 4:
Sorry, I could not see you yesterday. Actually, I have realized that running away is not the option. I know that if I struggle I can be a good runner and a sportsman and of course make friends. Wish me best of luck. And yeah, I will not be seeing you for some time.

Day 34:
I am back. Today was the cross country competition. I finished 15th out of 300 participants. Well, I went through some rigorous training to achieve this. I sacrificed my whole month rest and stepped out in tracksuit every early morning when everyone was asleep. Of course, there was always the sweet temptation of sleep but temptation of victory outweighed it. I completed two rounds of the sports ground daily before returning to the dormitory. At evening, I participated in the usual training. It all certainly paid off for me.

Moreover, things are not as dull as they were. I have made a few friends with whom I can roam about and crack some jokes.

Soon, we have intra-school cricket competition. I hope to do well in it.
Day 55:
Life in college has become colorful. I now have a decent social circle to interact with. It feels amazing to have so many friends with whom you can explore life outside your own. Occasionally, they imitate me but I enjoy it.

I have also been selected as captain of my house's cricket team. The team spends hours practicing in the nets with unflagging determination.
The reader skips the rest of pages and turns to the last one:
While I pen down my thoughts for the last time during my stay in the college, I recall what I have achieved. Where the college groomed me as a leader through its competitive student body and nurtured me as a disciplined person, it taught me how to interact with a diverse community. And it instilled in me the 'never-be-discouraged' approach.

I feel more confident now. I know, that on the road of life, I will be as much at ease with people from around the globe as I will be with my own countrymen. Where others might be demoralized by unfriendly events, I will not let myself down. I will endure the inevitable hills and valleys and emerge unscathed.

YASIR SAROSH
Signing off
**************
The reader gasps, closes the book and puts it back in the drawer.