notahsgraduate
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common app essay: A real connection: struggle-responsibilities [5]
I think it is a really compelling story, but middway through I began to get really confused as to where the essay was going and what you were talking about. Also, there were some grammatical and sentence structure mistakes that confused me as well (like The biggest responsibility, I was not asked to take it. ). So basically, strong opening, but then it seems like you are trying to pull in all these different elements to the story at the same time (your brother's confusion, you having to take on more responsibility, not getting answers about your father's condition, then going out into the real world), that the essay loses its flow and gets a bit clunky/choppy.
I think it is a really compelling story, but middway through I began to get really confused as to where the essay was going and what you were talking about. Also, there were some grammatical and sentence structure mistakes that confused me as well (like The biggest responsibility, I was not asked to take it. ). So basically, strong opening, but then it seems like you are trying to pull in all these different elements to the story at the same time (your brother's confusion, you having to take on more responsibility, not getting answers about your father's condition, then going out into the real world), that the essay loses its flow and gets a bit clunky/choppy.