adit_m461c
Mar 24, 2012
Scholarship / self uniqueness, preserving culture, achieving big dream essay - feedback [2]
Hi everyone, I'm a University student from Indonesia. I'm about to apply to youth exchange program. it requires an essay about these topics :
a. What is your outstanding quality that differ you from the other?
b. Give us a practical example of how you preserve "Indonesian culture" in your daily life?
c. How this program could help you achieving your "big dream" in the future?
d. How would you like to make contribution toward the society upon the completion of the
exchange program?.
therefore I need your feedback towards the essay I made. your feedback will be much appreciated. make some edit if it is neccesary, and I need to make it a bit shorter, like 20 words less.
here's the essay:
My father told me once that, you are not a loser if you still make steps towards your dream, you are one when you gives up your aims. Throughout life, a person has to be faced with many sophisticated problems in education, career, or love, so on. Therefore, if you always keep you running after your targets, it will lead you to success. I completely agree with his opinion for several reasons.
It brings me back to the memory when I started my university life. As a child, I grew up in a small town where communication skills is not in the priority list to learn. My lack skills of communication wasn't a big deal when I was in high school. But then, when I moved into this big city for my study in University it started to be a big deal. I was once very quiet as a mouse in the first smester of college, barely have friend to talk to, and I even wonder whether they notice my existence or not. Instead of whining about how I lacked talent, I took action that resulted in countless hours of practicing.
I could still remember when I fisrt attended this club of public speaking, namely Toastmasters. I was given a chance to speak in front of the audience. With no surprise, from 2 minutes given time I spent only about 20 seconds. Most of what I said was pause fillers, and the other expressions of nervousness. However, I kept "never, never give up" in my mind. I came regularly to the club, and practiced all the time. Up untill last year when I was still in the third smester, I was selected to represent my University to compete in a province level speech contest. I didn't come as the first winner, but was still proud to be runner up. My willpower and hard work has allowed me to improve in every way.
I once believed things I had made me unique and set me apart from the rest, but I grew to realize that there were always others who could do better at one or maybe more of these things than I was. Therefore, I created in myself a competitive spirit, to push myself to expand and to progress my knowledge and abilities in as many different areas as possible. I have strength willing in learning, highly motivated and organized. I enjoy taking a new responsibility and going the extra mile. I have always made friends, especially among those who have work with me.
Alike my previous story, preserving Indonesian culture is a continuously process. We cannot stop the steady penetration of globalization into our life. We must be realistic. All aspects of our individual and community life are strongly impacted by globalization. But we must not blindly appropriate the changes and values offered by globalization. We must know how to dialogue critically and responsibly with this new culture. Yet, dialoguing with globalization is risky; it is both enriching and distorting.
Therefore, we as youth are responsible to maintain the existence of our culture. I would really love to to be on national or even national cultural conference talking about thousands culture that we have, or even speak in over 500 vernacular in Indonesia. But that is still a big long-term goal. Meanwhile, we can start with something small. I my self still speak in madurese language no matter where I am at. As long as I speak to madurese people, I prefer to use madurese language.
Buying traditional clothing or handicraft is one more thing that I do. I might cannot create them, but I can appreciate them. By appreciating all the traditional stuff, indirectly we also encourage artists to continuously working to preserve culture of Indonesia. One simple way that I do is wearing batik. I am used to wear batik on Friday's lecture, and also to some other occasions.
It's however known, that what I do now concerning my study will lead me into my future career. I aspire to be a business manager as I have strong leadership skills and vital organizational skills which are presquisite in obtaining a career in the management industry. After finishing my study for Bachelor degree, I would had to start at the bottom of the ladder. But eventually, I am at the top running my business successfully. I believe that setting my goals high will encourage me to achieve at a high standart.
Setting the goals high without education is like talking about dream that would never come true. I always have this dream to pursue my study abroad. It will help to make decisions for myself, develop my own opinions and build up myself as a person. It will improve my self-confidence and communication skills. I'll become more experienced in dealing with people of different background and perhaps with different beliefs and values. This will help me to work not only in my homeland but also on the international level, like communicating with foreign costumers or even working abroad. This youth exchange program could be the only way for me to have the experience of living overseas, learn about their culture, show them about my culture, feel the atmosphere of their lives and learn how they face issues.
Every big things start small, every complicated things start simple. If I am selected as the participant of this exchange program, I would share every single thing I get when I am in the exchange program. Not only sharing, but also I will also demonstrate it in my environment. I would start from my hometown;Bangkalan, my university environment, and next to some wider environment. Apply all the knowledge that I will get into my personal life and society. All the knowledge about how to work together with people overseas , bringing people from different walks of life together irrespective of anything, to work hand-in-hand for a better tomorrow.
Hi everyone, I'm a University student from Indonesia. I'm about to apply to youth exchange program. it requires an essay about these topics :
a. What is your outstanding quality that differ you from the other?
b. Give us a practical example of how you preserve "Indonesian culture" in your daily life?
c. How this program could help you achieving your "big dream" in the future?
d. How would you like to make contribution toward the society upon the completion of the
exchange program?.
therefore I need your feedback towards the essay I made. your feedback will be much appreciated. make some edit if it is neccesary, and I need to make it a bit shorter, like 20 words less.
here's the essay:
My father told me once that, you are not a loser if you still make steps towards your dream, you are one when you gives up your aims. Throughout life, a person has to be faced with many sophisticated problems in education, career, or love, so on. Therefore, if you always keep you running after your targets, it will lead you to success. I completely agree with his opinion for several reasons.
It brings me back to the memory when I started my university life. As a child, I grew up in a small town where communication skills is not in the priority list to learn. My lack skills of communication wasn't a big deal when I was in high school. But then, when I moved into this big city for my study in University it started to be a big deal. I was once very quiet as a mouse in the first smester of college, barely have friend to talk to, and I even wonder whether they notice my existence or not. Instead of whining about how I lacked talent, I took action that resulted in countless hours of practicing.
I could still remember when I fisrt attended this club of public speaking, namely Toastmasters. I was given a chance to speak in front of the audience. With no surprise, from 2 minutes given time I spent only about 20 seconds. Most of what I said was pause fillers, and the other expressions of nervousness. However, I kept "never, never give up" in my mind. I came regularly to the club, and practiced all the time. Up untill last year when I was still in the third smester, I was selected to represent my University to compete in a province level speech contest. I didn't come as the first winner, but was still proud to be runner up. My willpower and hard work has allowed me to improve in every way.
I once believed things I had made me unique and set me apart from the rest, but I grew to realize that there were always others who could do better at one or maybe more of these things than I was. Therefore, I created in myself a competitive spirit, to push myself to expand and to progress my knowledge and abilities in as many different areas as possible. I have strength willing in learning, highly motivated and organized. I enjoy taking a new responsibility and going the extra mile. I have always made friends, especially among those who have work with me.
Alike my previous story, preserving Indonesian culture is a continuously process. We cannot stop the steady penetration of globalization into our life. We must be realistic. All aspects of our individual and community life are strongly impacted by globalization. But we must not blindly appropriate the changes and values offered by globalization. We must know how to dialogue critically and responsibly with this new culture. Yet, dialoguing with globalization is risky; it is both enriching and distorting.
Therefore, we as youth are responsible to maintain the existence of our culture. I would really love to to be on national or even national cultural conference talking about thousands culture that we have, or even speak in over 500 vernacular in Indonesia. But that is still a big long-term goal. Meanwhile, we can start with something small. I my self still speak in madurese language no matter where I am at. As long as I speak to madurese people, I prefer to use madurese language.
Buying traditional clothing or handicraft is one more thing that I do. I might cannot create them, but I can appreciate them. By appreciating all the traditional stuff, indirectly we also encourage artists to continuously working to preserve culture of Indonesia. One simple way that I do is wearing batik. I am used to wear batik on Friday's lecture, and also to some other occasions.
It's however known, that what I do now concerning my study will lead me into my future career. I aspire to be a business manager as I have strong leadership skills and vital organizational skills which are presquisite in obtaining a career in the management industry. After finishing my study for Bachelor degree, I would had to start at the bottom of the ladder. But eventually, I am at the top running my business successfully. I believe that setting my goals high will encourage me to achieve at a high standart.
Setting the goals high without education is like talking about dream that would never come true. I always have this dream to pursue my study abroad. It will help to make decisions for myself, develop my own opinions and build up myself as a person. It will improve my self-confidence and communication skills. I'll become more experienced in dealing with people of different background and perhaps with different beliefs and values. This will help me to work not only in my homeland but also on the international level, like communicating with foreign costumers or even working abroad. This youth exchange program could be the only way for me to have the experience of living overseas, learn about their culture, show them about my culture, feel the atmosphere of their lives and learn how they face issues.
Every big things start small, every complicated things start simple. If I am selected as the participant of this exchange program, I would share every single thing I get when I am in the exchange program. Not only sharing, but also I will also demonstrate it in my environment. I would start from my hometown;Bangkalan, my university environment, and next to some wider environment. Apply all the knowledge that I will get into my personal life and society. All the knowledge about how to work together with people overseas , bringing people from different walks of life together irrespective of anything, to work hand-in-hand for a better tomorrow.