ernhen
Jun 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'more and more international' - world is becoming a global village [3]
If you record your essay then play it back after you have done the Reading practice you will find most of your mistakes. I advice my students to do this. The other part, if you teacher has told you that this is the right structure I have to venture to tell you it is not true. Your essay should be 3773. You have a one sided view point. Your topic sentences are way too long they should be about 8-10 words this is not the TOEFL test.
The sentences are either not saying something definite but you are telling a story as in Part 2 speaking. Reduce it and please make sure that your linkers are the right ones two of them destroy your essay.
I have not tried to charge your thinking and this is what I have for you to consider.
It is undeniable that our globe has been contracted into a village by electronic technology. Due to the fact that macroeconomics is expanding beyond one's own country, free trade and communication have many camps that would weigh on both sides of the debate. It will be shown that the positive results are worth any negativeness.
Through the 20th and 21st century, people have had access to world information such as: news, education, and environment via the Internet. This means that the world has become smaller and globalization has brought many aspects - politics, economy, society and cultures - together they have expand trading of manufactured products. As a result, it has reduced poverty-stricken countries as well as it encourages investment from other country's economy. Take Thailand for example, labors have more job opportunities from joint-ventures from outside the country, therefore increase employment. For instance, TOYOTA, have many factories in Southeast Asia. Main reason they are there because of a low- labor cost and a huge work- force. TOYOTA produces the car parts in less developed countries and then shipped to Japan and major car dealer network through the world with the aid of the Internet and it's social-networking. Consequently, the workers in communication and factories have employment, their families are happy and they are contributing to the country's tax system, and thus the global economy is hitting a homerun.
Although the negative points could lead to unattainable employment levels and environmental disasters, I believe that these issues can be resolved with appropriate implementation of safety guidelines as they have been trying since the Copenhagen Accord.
All in all, globalization has brought countries together regardless of distance. People from different walks of life become more and more international by exchanging their knowledge and experiences through state-of-the art technology at all levels.
I know that this is a long thing to read but you are on the right track just reduce your sentence length to more direct ones
If you record your essay then play it back after you have done the Reading practice you will find most of your mistakes. I advice my students to do this. The other part, if you teacher has told you that this is the right structure I have to venture to tell you it is not true. Your essay should be 3773. You have a one sided view point. Your topic sentences are way too long they should be about 8-10 words this is not the TOEFL test.
The sentences are either not saying something definite but you are telling a story as in Part 2 speaking. Reduce it and please make sure that your linkers are the right ones two of them destroy your essay.
I have not tried to charge your thinking and this is what I have for you to consider.
It is undeniable that our globe has been contracted into a village by electronic technology. Due to the fact that macroeconomics is expanding beyond one's own country, free trade and communication have many camps that would weigh on both sides of the debate. It will be shown that the positive results are worth any negativeness.
Through the 20th and 21st century, people have had access to world information such as: news, education, and environment via the Internet. This means that the world has become smaller and globalization has brought many aspects - politics, economy, society and cultures - together they have expand trading of manufactured products. As a result, it has reduced poverty-stricken countries as well as it encourages investment from other country's economy. Take Thailand for example, labors have more job opportunities from joint-ventures from outside the country, therefore increase employment. For instance, TOYOTA, have many factories in Southeast Asia. Main reason they are there because of a low- labor cost and a huge work- force. TOYOTA produces the car parts in less developed countries and then shipped to Japan and major car dealer network through the world with the aid of the Internet and it's social-networking. Consequently, the workers in communication and factories have employment, their families are happy and they are contributing to the country's tax system, and thus the global economy is hitting a homerun.
Although the negative points could lead to unattainable employment levels and environmental disasters, I believe that these issues can be resolved with appropriate implementation of safety guidelines as they have been trying since the Copenhagen Accord.
All in all, globalization has brought countries together regardless of distance. People from different walks of life become more and more international by exchanging their knowledge and experiences through state-of-the art technology at all levels.
I know that this is a long thing to read but you are on the right track just reduce your sentence length to more direct ones