PistolSlap
Jul 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I had to work harder' - Undergrad Entry Essay [3]
The second paragraph is good. It's professional and grammatically correct, and gets the point across. The first paragraph is somewhat sloppy; it's too colloquial, and sounds very elementary: "school was a joke", "it would just be mind-numbing", "so I felt that if I already knew the material, why attempt to do the work... ...I would just dawdle most of the day".
I'd recommend cleaning up the first paragraph, to give it the kind of professional feel of the second. You don't want it to sound like you're just speaking casually with your buddies; you want to prove that you have what it takes to use proper elocution and form, especially in an admissions letter.
The second paragraph is good. It's professional and grammatically correct, and gets the point across. The first paragraph is somewhat sloppy; it's too colloquial, and sounds very elementary: "school was a joke", "it would just be mind-numbing", "so I felt that if I already knew the material, why attempt to do the work... ...I would just dawdle most of the day".
I'd recommend cleaning up the first paragraph, to give it the kind of professional feel of the second. You don't want it to sound like you're just speaking casually with your buddies; you want to prove that you have what it takes to use proper elocution and form, especially in an admissions letter.