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Posts by Tanvi116
Joined: Jul 30, 2012
Last Post: Sep 23, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: India

Displayed posts: 3
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Tanvi116   
Jul 30, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay: "describe nightfall as you reach camp in the middle of a jungle". [3]

As we walked past the bushes too exhausted in search of food, all we could hear was our own footsteps on the crumbly ground and the chirps of crickets. The sun changed its shades from bright yellow to orange-red, the sky turned rich amber and then gradually mauve. As the sunset ended its glory it was soon twilight. The birds ended their journey and were back to the warmth of their nests where red-brown squirrels returned to the trees making irritating noises.

An hour later, the moon was the only illumination with dark clouds in the sky. The cricket chirps grew louder and all we could see in the dark was the bright fluorescent eyes of animals creeping and crawling all over the place. Shortly begun the thunder and lightening followed by a short shower. Everything was soon wet and the knife-like smell of the damp soil oozed into my nostrils. The night flowers too had their fragrance noticed as it grew intense.

There was a sudden iry silence all around and the temperature fell as time passed. The howls of the wolves and the hoots of the owls could now be heard. The leaves rustled with the wind that blew past them. There were butterflies in our stomachs due to our inability to find any food in the jungle. Out of energy, we couldn't walk anymore and had to find a place to rest our bottoms. The rock we sat on was surprisingly velvety which then we realized that it was moss that had grown all over the surface. It was certainly very unpleasant to smell actually stronger that ammonia!

We finally reached the camp in the midst of the jungle. The campfire which we lit with great difficulty was now on a verge to extinguish due to the drizzle. Its warmth could be felt though with the strong smell of ash. Getting sleep that night was quite difficult as our stomachs were still empty but the beauty of the nightfall gave us some sense of relief.
Tanvi116   
Jul 31, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay: "describe nightfall as you reach camp in the middle of a jungle". [3]

okay thank you. But I did not understand what you really meant to say about "you can omit it too from bright"... it will be great if you helped.

Also what else can I add on to my essay? My principal said the the ending was abrupt and lacked description.
Tanvi116   
Sep 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Ah Kang' - Narrative writing- freedom [3]

"He swore to himself that he would provideher family a better life and made up for her adorable daughter of all the love she had missed". "All her generous neighbours would for sure forgive his wrongdoings"

You have changed the gender of Ah Kang is these sentences.
Also you have repeated the main character's name Ah Kang around eighteen times in your essay, which according to me is not required. It ruins the beauty of your essay(repetition of the word around five times max will be accepted). There is fantastic use of vocabulary though. One more thing is that your main theme is freedom , your essay should circle around the word as far as possible, but in this essay, you started off well, you went offtrack and in the end you finished it with freedom again. I suggest you should emphasize more on his feeling of freedom.

hope you got my point. well written though. :)
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