Writing Feedback / 9/11 Afghanistan paper to review; "little temporary safety" [3]

Your first paragraph seems a little bit out of place.

I like your quote by Ben Franklin, and I'd suggest possibly starting your paper off with that instead. For example, you could say, "As Benjamin Franklin once said,..." and then continue your essay with "Today the American public..."

Do you have any parenthetical citations? I've only noticed a couple of them. I assume this is a research paper, correct? I would ensure that you cite where you get your information from so that you are not accused of plagiarism. Similarly, it seems that your opinion really shines through in this piece. While that's not wrong, you want to ensure that you back your opinion up with actual FACTS. It's a little difficult to correct your paper any further beyond these generalities, only because you do not provide a prompt or any kind of information in regards to the actual assignment, so I'm not entirely sure what other kinds of revisions I could suggest.

Writing Feedback / THE PHILOSOPHICAL SCIENCE OF CLIMATE CHANGE [2]

Hi,

I'm new to these boards, so I'm still trying to figure everything out. Hopefully this works!

I actually think your essay is pretty strong as is. However, I'd like to offer a few tips for revision.

First, is there a particular prompt you're answering as you're writing this paper? That's always helpful to see, just to make sure you're answering everything you're being asked. With that said, your paper is strong based on what I've read.

Your introductory paragraph starts out nicely, but I think you have a few too many commas. It may help to put some hyphens into the text to break it up a little bit better. For example, you could say, "Since the turn of the century, scientists -- especially climatologists, meteorologists, and more recently, ethicists -- have embraced..." It's much easier to read when a sentence is broken up like that versus when there are too many commas.

I think the beginning to your first paragraph can be changed a little. For example, you could start out like this: "In simplest terms, climate change is defined as..." and then continue on.

I'm also noticing several commas where they shouldn't be, as it unnecessarily breaks up your sentences. I'd do a quick grammar check throughout the remainder of your essay. Other than that, your content is well-written and informative.