whitknee
Jun 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / The Mozart Effect - citing references [2]
Hello, this is just a persuasive essay for my high school English assignment. My teacher uses an online program called Grammarly to score essays. I personally use it as well. It's saying that I'm plagiarizing certain parts of my essay which I'm not, I'm just making references. However, I do not know how to properly cite references so can you please help me with that? I'll put the "plagiarized" parts in bold. It also says that I have issues with comparing two or more things, sentence structure, wordiness, passive voice use, and writing style. I'll also highlight those errors in bold specifying which error it is. It's given me a grade of 73 of 100 so I'd like to bring that score up a bit higher if I can. Overall constructive criticism is appreciated, thank you. :)
The Mozart Effect
The Greek philosopher, Plato once stated, "Music is a more potent instrument than any other for education, and children should be taught music before anything else."(<--Plagiarism) These words should not be discounted. Plato, together with his mentor, Socrates, and apprentice, Aristotle, created the foundation of western philosophy. Even though the students academic performance may depend on how much they like the music, which supports the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is what truly affects academic performance, not classical music. Musical classes should be put back into the education system because playing classical music on an instrument and listening to it can improve a student's IQ. Also, classical music stimulates parts of the brain that deal with spatial reasoning.
The Department of Psychology of York University in Toronto tested its participants on spatial abilities after listening to music or sitting in silence. The music was a Mozart sonata (a pleasant and energetic piece) for some participants and an Albinoni adagio (a slow, sad piece) for others. Enjoyment, arousal, and mood were measured. (<--Passive voice use) The spatial task was better following the music than the silence condition but only for participants who heard Mozart. The two music selections also induced differential responding on the enjoyment, arousal and mood measures. Moreover, when such differences were held (<--Passive voice use) constant by statistical means, the Mozart effect disappeared. (Plagiarism)
Another example that shows support to the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is shown (<--Passive voice use) in the SUNY Albany study. There was no such correlation between music training and test scores. However, it should be pointed out that this (<--Plagiarism) study used a post hock survey to assess participants' musical training. Therefore, there was no control over the consistency, style, and quality of the training that was received. (<--Passive voice use)
Even though the students academic performance may depend on how much they like the music, which supports the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is what truly affects performance; classical music should be put back into the education system because playing this music on an instrument and listening to it can improve a student's IQ. This is avidly supported (<--Passive voice use) by Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences. There're eight categories of intelligence displayed by mankind. These intelligences should be kept at a balance. Yet, the schools of today focus specifically on the mathematical and linguistic areas of intelligence. The other six categories are left(<--Passive voice use) as an optional choice or rid of completely. Sadly, this subject that was once frequently throughout a student's schooling is being removed (<--Passive voice use) for the sake of standardized test scores and budget cuts. Music is a vital piece of education that should remain along side mathematics, science and reading as a basic subject.
Various studies that've been conducted show how certain skills used in schools are influenced(<--Passive voice use) by music. Having the ability to play an instrument, attaining knowledge of music theory, and even listening to music has been statistically proven (<--Passive voice use) to affect a student's abilities in school.
Lutz Jäncke, a psychologist at the University of Zurich, said: "Learning to play a musical instrument has definite benefits and can increase IQ by seven points, in both children and adults." Children that learn to play an instrument such as the piano learn to be more self-disciplined, more attentive, and better at planning.(<---comparing two or more things mistake) All of these things are very significant for academic performance. Jäncke also observes that from many professional studies that've been conducted, learning to play an instrument can make learning foreign languages much easier. (<--Plagiarism)
The most important reason classical music should be put back into the education system is because classical music stimulates parts of the brain that deal with spatial reasoning. (<--Wordiness) This was proved (<--Passive voice use) In 1993, by Dr. Francis Rauscher and Dr. Gordon Shaw when they conducted a study using two groups of preschool children. The preschoolers are separated (<--Passive voice use) and put into different rooms. In one, room, classical music is played(<--Passive voice use) whereas the other room is silent. Each room of children was administered (<--Passive voice use) an identical test which consisted of various mathematical problems. Results from this study displayed that the 10 minute exposure of Mozart improved the students' abilities to find patterns.
In the year 1994, Linda Levine and Katherine Ky coordinated a follow-up study to Rauscher and Shaw's previous experiment. A group of seventy-eight second grade students were administered(<--Passive voice use) a test devised to measure the children's spatial reasoning abilities. After the initial test, twenty of those students were selected (<--Passive voice use) to receive a fifteen minute private piano lesson once every week for six months. Once this six month period expired, the same seventy-eight students previously mentioned took the preliminary test again. The results showed that students took the piano lessons received a 46% boost in their scores. A required part of the test was that students assemble a puzzle. The twenty second graders that took the lesson experienced a substantial reduction in the allotment of time it took to complete the puzzle. These results confirm the impact of music instruction on the students' spatial-reasoning skills.
So you can see that although some feel that students academic performance depends on how much they like the music, which leads to, the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is what truly affects performance, not the Mozart Theory; classical music needs to be regulated back into the education system for two main reasons. First, playing this music on an instrument and listening to it can improve a student's IQ. Most importantly, classical music stimulates parts of the brain that deal with spatial reasoning.
Are the words of Plato true? Is music really that influential to young minds? (<---Wordiness) Does it honestly improve their academic abilities? Indeed it does. Music is an influential part of all of our lives and can make changes that one never thought could be possible. Children need to be taught music before anything else to better their academic performance and overall mental development. (<--comparing two or more things mistake)
References:
(Arousal, mood, and the Mozart effect. - National Center for ... (n.d.). Retrieved from ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11437309 )
Does classical music make babies smarter? | Greater Good, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_classical_music_make_b abies_sm Arter/ (accessed June 4, 2013).
Playing a musical instrument makes you brainier - Telegraph. (N.d.). Retrieved from telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/6447588/Playing-a-musical-in stru ment-makes-you-brainier.html
Writing style errors -
"Yet, the schools of today focus specifically on the mathematical and linguistic areas of intelligence. "
Review your work for adverb misuse. Ensure you have properly used all the adverbs in your sentence. "Yet" may be inappropriately used here. Consider replacing it with another adverb or removing it entirely.
"So you can see that although some feel that students academic performance depends on how much they like the music.."
Review this sentence for personal pronouns. The personal pronoun, "you", may not be appropriate for formal writing. Consider removing this pronoun, and rephrasing your sentence.
"Music is an influential part of all of our lives and can make changes that one never thought could be possible. "
Review this sentence for personal pronouns. The personal pronoun, "our", may not be appropriate for formal writing. Consider removing this pronoun, and rephrasing your sentence.
Hello, this is just a persuasive essay for my high school English assignment. My teacher uses an online program called Grammarly to score essays. I personally use it as well. It's saying that I'm plagiarizing certain parts of my essay which I'm not, I'm just making references. However, I do not know how to properly cite references so can you please help me with that? I'll put the "plagiarized" parts in bold. It also says that I have issues with comparing two or more things, sentence structure, wordiness, passive voice use, and writing style. I'll also highlight those errors in bold specifying which error it is. It's given me a grade of 73 of 100 so I'd like to bring that score up a bit higher if I can. Overall constructive criticism is appreciated, thank you. :)
The Mozart Effect
The Greek philosopher, Plato once stated, "Music is a more potent instrument than any other for education, and children should be taught music before anything else."(<--Plagiarism) These words should not be discounted. Plato, together with his mentor, Socrates, and apprentice, Aristotle, created the foundation of western philosophy. Even though the students academic performance may depend on how much they like the music, which supports the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is what truly affects academic performance, not classical music. Musical classes should be put back into the education system because playing classical music on an instrument and listening to it can improve a student's IQ. Also, classical music stimulates parts of the brain that deal with spatial reasoning.
The Department of Psychology of York University in Toronto tested its participants on spatial abilities after listening to music or sitting in silence. The music was a Mozart sonata (a pleasant and energetic piece) for some participants and an Albinoni adagio (a slow, sad piece) for others. Enjoyment, arousal, and mood were measured. (<--Passive voice use) The spatial task was better following the music than the silence condition but only for participants who heard Mozart. The two music selections also induced differential responding on the enjoyment, arousal and mood measures. Moreover, when such differences were held (<--Passive voice use) constant by statistical means, the Mozart effect disappeared. (Plagiarism)
Another example that shows support to the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is shown (<--Passive voice use) in the SUNY Albany study. There was no such correlation between music training and test scores. However, it should be pointed out that this (<--Plagiarism) study used a post hock survey to assess participants' musical training. Therefore, there was no control over the consistency, style, and quality of the training that was received. (<--Passive voice use)
Even though the students academic performance may depend on how much they like the music, which supports the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is what truly affects performance; classical music should be put back into the education system because playing this music on an instrument and listening to it can improve a student's IQ. This is avidly supported (<--Passive voice use) by Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences. There're eight categories of intelligence displayed by mankind. These intelligences should be kept at a balance. Yet, the schools of today focus specifically on the mathematical and linguistic areas of intelligence. The other six categories are left(<--Passive voice use) as an optional choice or rid of completely. Sadly, this subject that was once frequently throughout a student's schooling is being removed (<--Passive voice use) for the sake of standardized test scores and budget cuts. Music is a vital piece of education that should remain along side mathematics, science and reading as a basic subject.
Various studies that've been conducted show how certain skills used in schools are influenced(<--Passive voice use) by music. Having the ability to play an instrument, attaining knowledge of music theory, and even listening to music has been statistically proven (<--Passive voice use) to affect a student's abilities in school.
Lutz Jäncke, a psychologist at the University of Zurich, said: "Learning to play a musical instrument has definite benefits and can increase IQ by seven points, in both children and adults." Children that learn to play an instrument such as the piano learn to be more self-disciplined, more attentive, and better at planning.(<---comparing two or more things mistake) All of these things are very significant for academic performance. Jäncke also observes that from many professional studies that've been conducted, learning to play an instrument can make learning foreign languages much easier. (<--Plagiarism)
The most important reason classical music should be put back into the education system is because classical music stimulates parts of the brain that deal with spatial reasoning. (<--Wordiness) This was proved (<--Passive voice use) In 1993, by Dr. Francis Rauscher and Dr. Gordon Shaw when they conducted a study using two groups of preschool children. The preschoolers are separated (<--Passive voice use) and put into different rooms. In one, room, classical music is played(<--Passive voice use) whereas the other room is silent. Each room of children was administered (<--Passive voice use) an identical test which consisted of various mathematical problems. Results from this study displayed that the 10 minute exposure of Mozart improved the students' abilities to find patterns.
In the year 1994, Linda Levine and Katherine Ky coordinated a follow-up study to Rauscher and Shaw's previous experiment. A group of seventy-eight second grade students were administered(<--Passive voice use) a test devised to measure the children's spatial reasoning abilities. After the initial test, twenty of those students were selected (<--Passive voice use) to receive a fifteen minute private piano lesson once every week for six months. Once this six month period expired, the same seventy-eight students previously mentioned took the preliminary test again. The results showed that students took the piano lessons received a 46% boost in their scores. A required part of the test was that students assemble a puzzle. The twenty second graders that took the lesson experienced a substantial reduction in the allotment of time it took to complete the puzzle. These results confirm the impact of music instruction on the students' spatial-reasoning skills.
So you can see that although some feel that students academic performance depends on how much they like the music, which leads to, the counter theory of "enjoyment arousal" is what truly affects performance, not the Mozart Theory; classical music needs to be regulated back into the education system for two main reasons. First, playing this music on an instrument and listening to it can improve a student's IQ. Most importantly, classical music stimulates parts of the brain that deal with spatial reasoning.
Are the words of Plato true? Is music really that influential to young minds? (<---Wordiness) Does it honestly improve their academic abilities? Indeed it does. Music is an influential part of all of our lives and can make changes that one never thought could be possible. Children need to be taught music before anything else to better their academic performance and overall mental development. (<--comparing two or more things mistake)
References:
(Arousal, mood, and the Mozart effect. - National Center for ... (n.d.). Retrieved from ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11437309 )
Does classical music make babies smarter? | Greater Good, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_classical_music_make_b abies_sm Arter/ (accessed June 4, 2013).
Playing a musical instrument makes you brainier - Telegraph. (N.d.). Retrieved from telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/6447588/Playing-a-musical-in stru ment-makes-you-brainier.html
Writing style errors -
"Yet, the schools of today focus specifically on the mathematical and linguistic areas of intelligence. "
Review your work for adverb misuse. Ensure you have properly used all the adverbs in your sentence. "Yet" may be inappropriately used here. Consider replacing it with another adverb or removing it entirely.
"So you can see that although some feel that students academic performance depends on how much they like the music.."
Review this sentence for personal pronouns. The personal pronoun, "you", may not be appropriate for formal writing. Consider removing this pronoun, and rephrasing your sentence.
"Music is an influential part of all of our lives and can make changes that one never thought could be possible. "
Review this sentence for personal pronouns. The personal pronoun, "our", may not be appropriate for formal writing. Consider removing this pronoun, and rephrasing your sentence.
