Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]

- The start is slightly blunt. I'm assuming that's what you're going for, and it could be a positive thing simply because it draws attention, but adding a catchy introductory sentence might make it a bit smoother.

- I think you should subtly downplay your criticism of your current institution. The explicit vibe I get is 'I'm too smart and ambitious for this university.' You want to get that across, but more subtly - and let the person reading your essay come to that conclusion rather than making it on your own. Things like "that I was an already-useful asset and had incredible potential" ---> "that I was a useful asset with great potential" and "healthier and progressive" ---> "progressive". Focus more on what you aim to accomplish when you transfer. You spend a while discussing why you don't fit at your current institution and why transferring would further your interests, but less on what you would do in that new environment.

- "While I am confident, to some degree, that I have the entrepreneurial and technical capabilities to make the next dazzly-do iPhone app that sets me five figures ahead of the average teenager, my pursuit of the startup dream has sizzled down to charred cinder. I realize that true progress is not measured by how much money I make or how much popularity is potentially involved, but by what meaningful contributions I can make to society. "

The metaphor was good, but the first sentence reads awkwardly. "While I am fairly confident" might do the job better. I can see what you're going for with the second sentence, but it comes off as slightly arrogant (sorry if that's too harsh). It sounds as if you're dismissing the ventures of others and defining what 'true progress' entails, and while you might feel the way, the admissions committee might warm up to you more if you wrote something along the lines of "My standards of progress are not defined by how much money I make..."

- I think you should either add a separate conclusion or include a blip about your reasons for transferring in the final paragraph. e.g. "Ultimately, my objectives are to hone my computer science, social, academic, and leadership skills in an environment that is better suited for my goals, and evolve to a position where I can make the contributions my community and my university need. Whether this is in the form of a future professorship, financial grants, or results in research, I do not know, but if I am sure about anything, it's that I will make it there with an institution that fits me on my side."

- Overall though, very well-written. You come across as intelligent and ambitious. Good luck!

Undergraduate / My Room; Common App Essay. PROMPT "Describe a place or environment where you are content" [6]

Overall, this is a very creative essay and especially well-written for a rough draft. I do think you go overboard a few times and resort to being cliche. Here are the ones that stuck out to me:

"Sometimes when the urge to collapse on bed in an exhausted heap is especially overwhelming, I'm emboldened enough to postpone rescuing a homework assignment crushed under the weight of various books or to even ignore my mother's screeches from downstairs, summoning me down to take out the trash." ---> "Sometimes when the urge to collapse on bed is especially overwhelming, I dare to postpone rescuing a homework assignment from under the weight of various books or to even ignore my mother's screeches from downstairs, summoning me down to take out the trash."

"I'd wonder if it were finally time to dig out my book on American foreign policy in the Middle East or rather, to conquer the literary behemoth (I mean this both literally and figuratively) also known as Les Misérables." ---> Maybe you should take out the parentheses.

Then for a fleeting moment, my stampeding thoughts would crawl to a standstill in a moment that was frozen in complete silence and accompanied by a welcoming sense of calm." -----> "Then for a moment, my thoughts would crawl to a standstill in a moment frozen in silence and accompanied by a sense of calm."

I hope this helped (somewhat). Good luck to you! This was a very enjoyable read.

Undergraduate / Transition from private to public school; How my community has shaped me - UC [3]

This isn't feedback (I'll edit it in later), but you should provide the prompt. Without it, there's little context to go off.

No matter what the prompt is, however, you must be cautious when discussing serious incidents such as abuse in a college application essay. If you must mention it, don't do it in narrative form; instead, say something like "After witnessing a close friend suffer from abuse and feeling powerless to help her, I put myself to work thinking of ways I could initiate change for children in similar situations."