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Posts by 9muses
Name: Marie Mach
Joined: Dec 20, 2013
Last Post: Dec 20, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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9muses   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Bryn Mawr Supplement - "I don't want to go to college." [6]

Bryn Mawr is my top choice college. However, reading this essay, I have absolutely no idea whether an admissions officer would even give it a second glance...Please give me constructive criticism on it please, and feel free to be as harsh as you want. I'd really appreciate it! Sorry for the length.

Please attach an essay of no more than one page telling us what you think you would gain from the educational experience at Bryn Mawr and what you would contribute to the community.

I don't want to go to college.

Of course, this doesn't mean I want to completely abandon the possibility of pursuing a higher education altogether. Despite attempting to view life through a lens of objectivity and practicality, I'm an idealist at heart. Rather than viewing college as a mechanism for achieving employment, I'm more prone to envisioning college as perhaps the ancients did - as an institution dedicated solely to the pursuit of knowledge, where discourse and debate are regarded as highly as touchdowns and tackles. At Bryn Mawr, I'll be surrounded by a community where expanding one's mind is paramount and women are able to achieve their fullest potential. It's here I'll be able to gain the perfect education. It's here I'll be able to thrive.

Because my interests arc across a spectrum of subjects, you're likely to find me in my room on a friday night, reading about the artists Chagall and Kandinsky or translating a Russian newspaper article about the great nation of Kazakhstan. I"m of a restless and curious mind with an insatiable appetite for knowledge. As such, I've found myself ecstatic that at Bryn Mawr, I'll have the opportunity to explore the world of ideas. Whether I'm exploring Minoan ruins through a colloquium sponsored by the Classics department, or integrating philosophy and chemistry in a 360 seminar, Bryn Mawr will push my mind to its farthest reaches. Yet, despite its reputation for being a challenging school, this doesn't intimidate me. I relish challenge, welcoming it with open arms. I picture myself working to attain my dream of fluency through the Russian flagship program, tutoring students in lower levels and taking such courses as Russian for Pre Professionals and the Social Dynamics of Russian, as well as using my knowledge throughout my capstone year in Saint Petersburg. Mastering the language and the other challenges Bryn Mawr hands me will be difficult. But yet, in an atmosphere of intellectual stimulation, my mind being pushed to its farthest reaches, it will be utterly worth it.

By attending Bryn Mawr, I expect to learn more about what it means to be a woman. The school attracts the minds of some of the brightest girls in the country, creating an intimate, intellectually curious environment conducive to the sharing and pursuit of knowledge. It's thie environment that will help me a create a club revolving around one of my biggest passions - endangered languages, such as Ket in SIberia or Mogol in Afghanistan. Working together with other scholars, I hope to rally together with other students and prevent these harbingers of culture from being lost to the world forever. I'll enter Bryn Mawr as a girl, eager to find a role model and mentor in the few thousand girls that surround me. Four years later, having shared in the magical traditions of lantern night and may day, having studied the days and nights away surrounded by a warm community of girls fiercely dedicated to their love of learning, I'll graduate as a woman, ready to take the world by a storm. I won't have graduated from a typical college. But then again, who goes to college to be typical?

No, I don't want to college. I want to go to Bryn Mawr.
9muses   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Learning about courage and compassion: Princeton's supplementary essay [4]

This is a really good essay, but I have just a few suggestions.

"...and helped us reach our relatives' place ." Instead of using the word "place," try using a word more descriptive, such as house/home/estate/ etc.

"By 9 pm, pangs of hunger had woken me up and I was praying feverishly for a miracle. And the miracle did happen! " Saying that the miracle did happen was rather redundant. How about saying after the first sentence, "much to my surprise..."

"I now know that the change we all hanker for, the change that we all visualize through costly seminars and vision documents ," What are vision documents?

"Being saved by a group of strangers whose conviction to serving others became an inspiration for me since that night, I became a different person " You may want to reword this sentence. Also, just by doing the prompt the college is aware that you have become a different person. How about something along the lines of..."Having been saved by a group of strangers...I became aware of the importance of helping others." This is just a suggestion.

Good luck at getting into Princeton! I'm crossing my fingers. By the way, just out of curiosity, what is wada pav?

Do you mind reading my college essay for Bryn Mawr?
9muses   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Chess themed - Background Story/ Central to identity [3]

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with this essay. It grabbed hold of my attention from the beginning to end. You're very descriptive with your words. Reading this essay, you make me want to learn chess.

Just one suggestion:
"Weeks later, the room fell into the quiet silence of contemplation" Quiet silence is kind of redundant. How about saying the room fell into silence, or the room fell into quiet?

Overall, amazing essay. Good luck with college :)

Do you mind reading my Bryn Mawr essay?
9muses   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Bryn Mawr Supplement - "I don't want to go to college." [6]

Thanks for replying to my essay! Your suggestions make a difference, and they help with the overall flow of the essay. Reading your essay, I wouldn't have known you weren't a native English speaker.
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