Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Thank you. I'm gonna write the complete essay and would you mind checking it for me later? However I'm having some trouble finding the best way to express my ideas as I'm afraid that they may sound a little showing off

By the way I'd like to ask you a question: Should I mention something about my character? One of my friend said that I should focus on that rather than on my studying process

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

This is the complete essay. Please check it and comment.

As many other graduated high school students, I have to come to the most important decision of my life: choosing a suitable place to further my education. Through the years, especially my last three years in high school, I had the opportunity to discover my passions and then came up with the awareness of my professional goals. My special interest in mathematics and the influence from my friends, particularly from my brother were the reasons why I decided to pursue finance as my career. Attending RMIT University will help me to actualize the desire to succeed in my future life.

The idea of continuing my study in RMIT University dates back to 2004, when my father heard about the establishment of the first international university in Hanoi. This led to my thought of being trained in a totally different study environment, where I could enjoy high-level curriculum system while still being able to stay in my hometown to take care of my parents and especially my grandmother. With fervent support from my family and my friends, I decided that I would enroll in RMIT University. Having spent quite a lot of time learning about the university, it could be assumed that its reputation for teaching qualities and modern facilities are among numerous reasons for my determination. Obviously, it is an ideal place that satisfies my hope of enjoying the best studying conditions in my country.

The desire to train in RMIT University was the motivation for me to study so hard on English during high school time, which led to my 7.5 IELTS band score. This result gives me certainty that I have no trouble communicating and I could follow the lectures seamlessly. Furthermore, I have the ability to acquire knowledge quite quickly. Having been working tirelessly on mathematics since secondary school gives me a logical mind and an independent way of thinking. These would be advantages for my studying process in the future. I have been studying really hard during my 12 years in school so I believe that I'm qualified for the scholarship.

Recently, I have paid more attention to learn about my favorite field in order to gain more academic knowledge as well as to be more certain about choosing it as my future profession. I'm well aware of what I want and I have confidence that attending RMIT University will give me a chance to pursue my dream. I hope that after finishing my course, I would be able to apply for a good job then accumulate wealth. Knowing that finance and commerce have massively contributed to the society, I eagerly want to be a part of it. I had great time doing my volunteer work in Vinh Phuc province. Working there helped me partially understand how indigently that many Vietnamese people have to live. Hopefully, in the future I would have the opportunity to donate a part of my fortune to help improve the poor's lives.

It is a long way to realize my dream, and it certainly will be another long way to go to actualize it. I was always anxious that the family's budget would cause me some difficulties carrying out my determination. That makes the scholarship even more significant to me. If I am given the scholarship, I can further my education without having to worry about my family financial problem, and more important, I can stand a better chance to do what I want, which is to take a step closer to success.

Again, I'm not really satisfied with it. Even myself after reading the complete essay, I can hardly find something call "original" or "outstanding". Anyways, please read and give me your comments. I really need your help. Thank you very much.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Thank you. I really appreciate your comments. My friends said that it would be extremely good if I mentioned something about my character, but I find it really difficult to think of a way to express those ideas seamlessly. I'll try to revise it and please check it again for me later (:

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Ok. I've just got some new ideas. It's a true story about how I studied Math, because I used to hate it, even for a long time I was scared of it. But after a lot of things happened, I realized how interesting Math was and I became massively interested in it. Maybe it's just another mediocre idea but at least I think it's better than what I wrote above. I hope that I could find the best way to express it, so from my essay the readers can understand something about my personality. At least I can be optimistic that if I start with this idea, I won't have to list everything about me in a very boring way (: And this may take quite a long time, so hopefully you guys could wait for it. What do you think about this idea? Thanks for your comments. Another question: Can I tell a story instead of writing this essay in the normal format?

@sound10kp: Thank you for your comments (:. However, I think I need to do something different to catch the recruiters' eyes.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Thank you. I've been working on it. It may take about 4 or 5 days, hope that you don't mind waiting :( I've been thinking about using some kind of proverbs or quotes like "nothing is impossible", etc., something like that, as the first sentence. Anyways, I don't like my first essay so I'll try to write it all over again (:

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

This is my next draft:
...

Please read and comment. And it exceeded 600 words :( Could you help me to shorten it? Thanks a lot.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Here is my new draft, 600 words exactly. I tried to get rid of as many forms of "to be" as I could. Hope that you can help me more to better it.

"Nothing is impossible" - Perhaps everyone knows this famous statement, but not everyone believes that it is true. Looking back, I never thought that I could do the so-called "impossible", but such things unfailingly happen in a lifetime and I cannot flee from them forever. Once I decided to confront impossibility in my studying and surmounted it, and most important, I would never have discovered my passion without that decision.

Mathematics especially interests me - now I could confidently declare that. I used to rule myself out of all math periods. In the past, math, to me, was unnecessarily difficult and impractical. I disliked it, even for a long time I was so frightened of it that at times I thought that in the future I would not do any mathematics-related job. Everything changed since we had our math teacher altered. Her strictness compelled me to pay more attention to her lectures and at the very same time math started to attract me. "You have the aptitude for this subject. Don't waste it" - the new teacher said the words that nobody had ever done to me. Thanks to that encouragement, I finally determined on learning math. My last year in secondary school allowed me to understand how wrong I was to hate math for such a long time.

As I went to high school, studying got harder, especially mathematics - a real challenge that I needed to overcome. Math became my number one priority among all subjects, and the more industriously I worked on it, the more I fell in love with it. "Practice makes perfect" - my endeavor paid off since I got good results for my math tests. But I did not get enough. A used-to-be math-unrelated student like me found it difficult to integrate whereas a competitive environment like my class was not a place for a pimping turtle. That was why once I decided to come out of my shell by presenting my own answer to a math exercise in front of the whole class. Although I solved it wrong and felt so embarrassed that everyone would laugh at me, I did not give up. I tried to do that again and again whenever I found a different solution to the exercise given, and I succeeded eventually. Step by step, I did not feel shy to give out my ideas anymore. Throughout 3 years studying tirelessly, I caught my teachers' eyes and earned respect from my fellows. "I made it" - finally I could be proud to have done something that no-one, even myself, had expected.

At age 16, I discovered my professional goals. My special interest in math and the influence from my brother soon turned into the decision to pursue finance field. Recently, I have paid more attention to learn about finance to gain more academic knowledge as well as to be more certain about choosing it as my career. A long time researching led to the desire to enroll in RMIT University, which gave me the motivation to study English assiduously to get 7.5 IELTS band score. This, along with logical and independent way of thinking earned from studying math could give me some advantages for my future studying process. I have confidence that attending RMIT University will help me pursue my dream.

It was a long way to realize my dream, and it will certainly be a long way to make it happen. The scholarship will give me an opportunity to further my education without having to worry about my family financial problem, and above all, a chance to take a step closer to success.

Please give me your straight comments. Thank you

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Sorry my internet got disconnected yesterday
Thanks for your suggestion. I'll think about it and post my latest draft tomorrow (: The thing is I find it a bit difficult to rephrase the sentence "Everything since we had our teacher altered". Could you give me some more suggestion? Thanks (:

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Yes that's defenitely what I meant. First I had trouble finding the best way to express my idea and then I came up with that, although I wasn't satisfied at all ): And btw, I'm "she", not "he" :D

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Oh it's ok. Fiyero is not my real name anyway, so you don't have to apologize :D

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Actually, from a play called "Wicked". Fiyero is the name of my favorite character (:

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Honestly, I haven't read the book yet. Seems like it isn't published in my country. I just watched the play once and I think it's a good musical theatre (:

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

^ Sorry I don't really understand what you meant, but certainly I'm going for this schlarship (: I know it's gonna be really hard, there are thousands of students competing for this scholarship. The only thing I can do is try my best (: