anonymous137
Mar 9, 2015
Undergraduate / "I am a psychopath" Psychiatry dep. accepting essays from people with disorders on their experiences [2]
The psychiatry department is accepting essays from people with mental disorders regarding their life experiences living with the disorder. Here is mine.
I am a psychopath.
After two years of personality testing and trips to the psychiatrist, that was finally the conclusion.
Though I cannot admit this as social media has painted the psychopath as a villain who will kill you in your sleep. I have no urge to harm another human being. The general idea that because I am a psychopath I must be blood-thirsty keeps me from sharing this information with any of my friends.
Or should I say "friends".
I feel as though I cannot get a grasp on friendships. I look at the world around me and see everyone with their groups of friends and even their best friends. But it's like standing on a street watching them through the window. As hard as I try I cannot have what they have. I may have acquaintanceships and people I like spending time with, but I never feel a true connection. I lack that intangible thing that would allow me to become true friends with another individual. Sure I have my group of "friends" that I hang out with, people from work and such, and we may go out and have fun but at the end of the day no matter who I'm with it's missing something. I'm not sure I really care about them or if I simply like having human interaction that is fun. My psychiatrist once asked me "If all of the people you knew vanished tomorrow, how would you feel?"... I still don't have an answer.
If anyone were to look up the scientific characteristics of psychopathy, they would find a few common traits depending on the source of information. Superficial charm, pathological lying, being cunning or manipulative, lack of remorse, emotional shallowness, tendency to boredom, difficulties holding relationships, intelligence, and a sense of arrogance. I show all of these. Most sources would say that disobeying the law is a sign but I disagree, a psychopath is not characterized by being drawn to violence, only a portion of us feel the need to harm other individuals.
Superficial charm. My senior year of high school was exactly that. On the outside I was one of the popular people. Everyone in the school knew me and I was never in a bad mood. I pretended to blow of my schoolwork despite being fully capable of handling it. Everyone knew me as playful and laid back. I can lay on the charm like none other. Though I usually don't do it when someone I know is paying attention. I wouldn't want them to know that it's superficial, as some would then question if my actions towards them are superficial as well. Nobody likes thinking that someone is lying to them.
Lying. What a world of trouble that one has caused me. Throughout my freshman and sophomore years of high school lying was my middle name. I had such a web of lies weaved and they all intersected with each other. But I was so good at it. Nobody ever caught me. All of my lies were improvable. I don't lie as much nowadays but when I do it's still quite the show. It is very rare that someone will catch me in a lie, and even when they do I always have an escape route. When I lie to people though I don't feel bad about it, I guess that's what makes me a psychopath though. Lying goes hand in hand with manipulating, and manipulating is just another thing I am good at, and another thing I don't feel bad about doing.
Emotional shallowness and difficulties holding relationships. Here again I will bring up friendships. I simply cannot make a connection with another person. Even if that person truly cares about me I lack the ability to share the emotion. Romantic relationships are a whole other story. I have never held a romantic relationship longer than a month. The biggest reason being that I can't truly care about another person in that way, but also that I cannot envision myself with the same human being for the rest of my life. I am incapable of loving another individual. Love to me is a silly concept. How can someone care so much about another person that they would do anything for them? I suppose that's another characteristic of psychopathy, only looking out for my best interest. Love is simply three chemicals: phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine. All of which can be manufactured. Love can literally be put into a pill. Yet I cannot feel it, truly. My sexual past is completely erratic. I don't seem to have a "type" as all of my partners show now common traits. When I sleep with someone there still is no connection. No matter how hard I try there is nothing more in sexual relations other than the physical pleasures. Just another lack of connection in my relations with other people.
Boredom. I have been plagued with this trait for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. No activity interests me. I remember being small and having a bunch of small animals with barnyard accessories. I have a distinct memory in which I spent an hour just setting up the barnyard, but when it came time to actually playing with the toys there was nothing to do. I lack imagination. Even as a child I never really had friends; it was again like standing on that street looking through the window at the other children playing. I was never one of them, always the outsider. Now as an adult my days are filled with nothingness. I work and I go home. I sleep most of my days away as most activities others engage in I either find boring, or require another person to do them with. I can feel my youth passing in front of my eyes, yet there's nothing I can do about it. The one thing I am good at and like doing is working, yet the intelligent and logical side of me is a constant reminder that nobody in the prime of their life should be working their life away. But nothing else is of true interest to me, which is probably why I still haven't chosen a career as no line of work seems enticing enough to do every day for the rest of my life.
Intelligence and arrogance go together quite a lot. I am in the top one percent of the population as far as intelligence is concerned, and because I know this I am quite arrogant. I look down on people I view as dumb. It's rare that I can hold a conversation with someone and not be internally thinking how dumb I think they are. It's because of this intelligence that I am so miserable though.
I am completely self-aware. I look at my life and have complete understanding of what is going on. I also have complete understanding that I will never truly be happy. Staring at the rest of my life I can see that I will never hold a deep connection with another person, that I will always be alone. An abyss of loneliness. Having the knowledge that I will always be alone and also the knowledge that there is something psychologically wrong with me so I will never be able to change myself. Because of my intelligence I am aware of these facts which makes the loneliness all the worse.
I look forward into my future and this is what I see: to the rest of the world I am popular, charismatic, and likeable... but on the inside having the crippling knowledge that I will always be alone.
The psychiatry department is accepting essays from people with mental disorders regarding their life experiences living with the disorder. Here is mine.
I am a psychopath.
After two years of personality testing and trips to the psychiatrist, that was finally the conclusion.
Though I cannot admit this as social media has painted the psychopath as a villain who will kill you in your sleep. I have no urge to harm another human being. The general idea that because I am a psychopath I must be blood-thirsty keeps me from sharing this information with any of my friends.
Or should I say "friends".
I feel as though I cannot get a grasp on friendships. I look at the world around me and see everyone with their groups of friends and even their best friends. But it's like standing on a street watching them through the window. As hard as I try I cannot have what they have. I may have acquaintanceships and people I like spending time with, but I never feel a true connection. I lack that intangible thing that would allow me to become true friends with another individual. Sure I have my group of "friends" that I hang out with, people from work and such, and we may go out and have fun but at the end of the day no matter who I'm with it's missing something. I'm not sure I really care about them or if I simply like having human interaction that is fun. My psychiatrist once asked me "If all of the people you knew vanished tomorrow, how would you feel?"... I still don't have an answer.
If anyone were to look up the scientific characteristics of psychopathy, they would find a few common traits depending on the source of information. Superficial charm, pathological lying, being cunning or manipulative, lack of remorse, emotional shallowness, tendency to boredom, difficulties holding relationships, intelligence, and a sense of arrogance. I show all of these. Most sources would say that disobeying the law is a sign but I disagree, a psychopath is not characterized by being drawn to violence, only a portion of us feel the need to harm other individuals.
Superficial charm. My senior year of high school was exactly that. On the outside I was one of the popular people. Everyone in the school knew me and I was never in a bad mood. I pretended to blow of my schoolwork despite being fully capable of handling it. Everyone knew me as playful and laid back. I can lay on the charm like none other. Though I usually don't do it when someone I know is paying attention. I wouldn't want them to know that it's superficial, as some would then question if my actions towards them are superficial as well. Nobody likes thinking that someone is lying to them.
Lying. What a world of trouble that one has caused me. Throughout my freshman and sophomore years of high school lying was my middle name. I had such a web of lies weaved and they all intersected with each other. But I was so good at it. Nobody ever caught me. All of my lies were improvable. I don't lie as much nowadays but when I do it's still quite the show. It is very rare that someone will catch me in a lie, and even when they do I always have an escape route. When I lie to people though I don't feel bad about it, I guess that's what makes me a psychopath though. Lying goes hand in hand with manipulating, and manipulating is just another thing I am good at, and another thing I don't feel bad about doing.
Emotional shallowness and difficulties holding relationships. Here again I will bring up friendships. I simply cannot make a connection with another person. Even if that person truly cares about me I lack the ability to share the emotion. Romantic relationships are a whole other story. I have never held a romantic relationship longer than a month. The biggest reason being that I can't truly care about another person in that way, but also that I cannot envision myself with the same human being for the rest of my life. I am incapable of loving another individual. Love to me is a silly concept. How can someone care so much about another person that they would do anything for them? I suppose that's another characteristic of psychopathy, only looking out for my best interest. Love is simply three chemicals: phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine. All of which can be manufactured. Love can literally be put into a pill. Yet I cannot feel it, truly. My sexual past is completely erratic. I don't seem to have a "type" as all of my partners show now common traits. When I sleep with someone there still is no connection. No matter how hard I try there is nothing more in sexual relations other than the physical pleasures. Just another lack of connection in my relations with other people.
Boredom. I have been plagued with this trait for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. No activity interests me. I remember being small and having a bunch of small animals with barnyard accessories. I have a distinct memory in which I spent an hour just setting up the barnyard, but when it came time to actually playing with the toys there was nothing to do. I lack imagination. Even as a child I never really had friends; it was again like standing on that street looking through the window at the other children playing. I was never one of them, always the outsider. Now as an adult my days are filled with nothingness. I work and I go home. I sleep most of my days away as most activities others engage in I either find boring, or require another person to do them with. I can feel my youth passing in front of my eyes, yet there's nothing I can do about it. The one thing I am good at and like doing is working, yet the intelligent and logical side of me is a constant reminder that nobody in the prime of their life should be working their life away. But nothing else is of true interest to me, which is probably why I still haven't chosen a career as no line of work seems enticing enough to do every day for the rest of my life.
Intelligence and arrogance go together quite a lot. I am in the top one percent of the population as far as intelligence is concerned, and because I know this I am quite arrogant. I look down on people I view as dumb. It's rare that I can hold a conversation with someone and not be internally thinking how dumb I think they are. It's because of this intelligence that I am so miserable though.
I am completely self-aware. I look at my life and have complete understanding of what is going on. I also have complete understanding that I will never truly be happy. Staring at the rest of my life I can see that I will never hold a deep connection with another person, that I will always be alone. An abyss of loneliness. Having the knowledge that I will always be alone and also the knowledge that there is something psychologically wrong with me so I will never be able to change myself. Because of my intelligence I am aware of these facts which makes the loneliness all the worse.
I look forward into my future and this is what I see: to the rest of the world I am popular, charismatic, and likeable... but on the inside having the crippling knowledge that I will always be alone.