emrosato16
Oct 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Emerson Supplemental Essay, title your life. NEED INPUT & EDITING [5]
So the supplemental essay for emerson which I'm applying to is, "Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief (100-200 words)."
I wrote two different versions, I need help as to which you think is better/more creative. The first one is pretty standard, the second is in a story form 3rd person, I'm not sure if they would like it or not? I thought it might be creative but I don't know. Please help thank you!!
First one: If I were to write the story of my life, I'd title it, "Time: The Story of How I Found It". Every week someone asks me, "How do you find the time??". This is because I managed to play varsity soccer, work two jobs, get all of my school homework done, spend time with friends and family, finish a variety of tv shows, books, and movies (I do love a good story), study for the SAT's, and get all of my college applications done in three months. I'd love to say that I pride myself on my extraordinary multitasking capabilities, but that would be a lie. It's time management. Time management and I have grown considerably close these past few years (first name basis and everything!). I've really learned to value every hour of every day. I believe it will help immensely in college, getting all my work done as soon as possible, never waiting until the last minute, and always saving time to relax and spend time with friends. Learning to spend my time efficiently has helped prepare me for whatever these next four years throw my way, (the ten extra arms and legs I have won't hurt either).
2nd one: "Mature"
Emily was sinking through an hourglass. Her feet being pulled into a dense abrasive sand. The air around her thinned. Encumbered by a glass reality, she sank. She could distinguish voices below her, somewhere through the sandy void in which she was about to fall. The voices sounded older. Above her, she heard laughing; young voices. Down she went. Everything went dark until she was spit out onto warm pillowy sand. Her mother was there, as well as other adults she was close with. Surrounded by elders, she realized something. She was pulled down by time, forced to mature before any of her friends, the young voices she heard on the other side. Living with her brother, Matthew, and his debilitating illness, made her see that growing up early was just fate for her and it's a vital part of who she is. Living with her brother has taught her the value of hard work, patience, and acceptance of everyone. Though the journey through the "sands of time" was at times unpleasant, she would never trade what it has taught her for anything. In an ironic way 'sinking down' had her rising up to a new level of maturity.
So the supplemental essay for emerson which I'm applying to is, "Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief (100-200 words)."
I wrote two different versions, I need help as to which you think is better/more creative. The first one is pretty standard, the second is in a story form 3rd person, I'm not sure if they would like it or not? I thought it might be creative but I don't know. Please help thank you!!
First one: If I were to write the story of my life, I'd title it, "Time: The Story of How I Found It". Every week someone asks me, "How do you find the time??". This is because I managed to play varsity soccer, work two jobs, get all of my school homework done, spend time with friends and family, finish a variety of tv shows, books, and movies (I do love a good story), study for the SAT's, and get all of my college applications done in three months. I'd love to say that I pride myself on my extraordinary multitasking capabilities, but that would be a lie. It's time management. Time management and I have grown considerably close these past few years (first name basis and everything!). I've really learned to value every hour of every day. I believe it will help immensely in college, getting all my work done as soon as possible, never waiting until the last minute, and always saving time to relax and spend time with friends. Learning to spend my time efficiently has helped prepare me for whatever these next four years throw my way, (the ten extra arms and legs I have won't hurt either).
2nd one: "Mature"
Emily was sinking through an hourglass. Her feet being pulled into a dense abrasive sand. The air around her thinned. Encumbered by a glass reality, she sank. She could distinguish voices below her, somewhere through the sandy void in which she was about to fall. The voices sounded older. Above her, she heard laughing; young voices. Down she went. Everything went dark until she was spit out onto warm pillowy sand. Her mother was there, as well as other adults she was close with. Surrounded by elders, she realized something. She was pulled down by time, forced to mature before any of her friends, the young voices she heard on the other side. Living with her brother, Matthew, and his debilitating illness, made her see that growing up early was just fate for her and it's a vital part of who she is. Living with her brother has taught her the value of hard work, patience, and acceptance of everyone. Though the journey through the "sands of time" was at times unpleasant, she would never trade what it has taught her for anything. In an ironic way 'sinking down' had her rising up to a new level of maturity.