jenni929
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Concept and story line good; I need help with correcting the grammar in my essay [4]
haha okay well thanks, its not the best essay in the world but its good enough to help me pass.
It was a cold night in February as Lacie and I awaited her boyfriend Beau's return home from Iraq. We patiently waited along side of many other excited spouses and parents. As we waited for Beau, we got the news that his best friend from grade school would be arriving. Lacie had never met him before, but she could hardly contain her joy. I remember that day vividly because it was the start of something wonderful.
As the buses pulled up everyone started cheering and screaming. It was a truly exciting moment. The bus doors slowly opened and everyone fled towards them. Lacie and I stepped back patiently waiting for Beau to find us. While we were standing still in all the chaos a tall, wide, dark haired young man approached us.
When he finally got within talking distance of us, he nervously asked if we were waiting for Beau. I stood in silence shifting my view from Lacie to him. Suddenly Lacie shouted "YES, why do you care?" In a stern southern drawl he said "I'm Aj his best friend." Her glare quickly changed as she tried to erase her previous words..
When Lacie finally gathered her composer she introduced herself as Beau's girlfriend. After her introduction both of them peered at me. In a low voice I said "Oh I'm Jenni, her best friend." Seconds later Beau walked up behind Lacie and picked her up. I began taking photos for the rest of the evening.
About an hour later Lacie, Beau, and I went to the hotel room that Beau's mother was staying. We began to eat gumbo that his mom had made. Then we heard a knock at the door. As Beau walked towards the door, to see who it was, we heard a voice from outside shout "open up bitch its me." Soon as he unlocked the door, it flung open and Aj walked in.
As Aj approached me my face turned red. He tried talking to me but, he couldn't get a response. The rest of the night until I left he tried talking to me, still not a word came out of my mouth. After a few hours of him trying to get me to say anything I asked "will you walk me to my car?" He quickly said yes and jumped out of his chair.
As we approached my car in a low voice he said "I would love to see you again." I blushed and jumped in my car, and drove off. The whole way back to Lacie's I could not stop talking about Aj. I knew Lacie was tired of hearing me babble on about him, because every time I glanced at her she was rolling her eyes.
As we began pulling in her drive way I asked her if she could arrange a double date for the following day. She was hesitant to answer, but agreed to do so. I could barely sleep that night, as I tossed and turned under the covers, I wondered if he was also thinking of me. Finally I got comfortable enough to rest my eyes and doze off into a deep sleep.
The next morning I sprung out of bed and immediately began getting ready. As for Lacie she was still dead to the world. When I was almost completely ready Lacie's phone began to ring. I dropped everything in my hands and ran to the phone. It was Beau, I answered it but tried not to sound to excited. After listening to him complain about his truck for five minutes, I blurted out "so are we seeing you and Aj today?" To my surprise he replied " yeah he wont shut up about ya." I quickly told him bye, and hung up the phone.
A few hours later Lacie decided she was in the mood to start getting ready, as I paced the kitchen floor trying not to rush her. When two o'clock rolled around Lacie and I were looking good and on the way to see the guys. We pulled up to a Chinese restaurant and parked in the back. As we waited for them to show up I started feeling sick from all of the butterflies in my stomach. After only waiting ten minutes, Beau and Aj pulled up next to us.
I started to turn my car off and unbuckle my seat belt, as I looked out my window I saw Aj approaching me. My face instantly turned bright red, and I became very hot. He opened my car door; the only noise I could make was "hmmm." He replied "I'll take that as a thank you." We all walked in, and were quickly seated.
As the night was passing by I couldn't believe how good of a time I was having. I defiantly didn't want the night to end. Ten o'clock drew near as we began paying for the bill. Lacie's curfew only allowed us one more hour with the guys, none of us were happy about it.
We all decided on going to the beach, for a nice little moon lit walk. As we pulled up to the beach, all of us jumped out of the truck and ran towards the dunes. I fell behind so I could roll my pants legs up; no one likes wet sandy jeans. Aj slowed down to wait for me. As I caught back up he reached out his hand, I slowly entangled my fingers with his. He looked at me and in a soft voice said "you're beautiful, but they are waiting." So we took off running hand in hand.
He started to get ahead of me, so he let go of my hand. I pushed myself as much as I could, and leaped into the air. To my surprise I actually tackled him as I was intending on doing. He rolled over as we both started laughing. Through all the panting, gasping for air, and obnoxious laughing his hand slowly began to caress my face. My heart sunk deep into my chest, and all I could tell myself was "this isn't real, oh please don't mess up jen."
As we gazed into each others eyes he started to pull me closer. I could feel my body letting go and just embracing the moment. He began to kiss me all over my face slowly. I could barely take the anticipation any longer. Finally I felt his soft subtle lips pressed against mine in a tender yet aggressive feel. It was at that moment, I had come to realize him and I were at the start of something wonderful.
haha okay well thanks, its not the best essay in the world but its good enough to help me pass.
It was a cold night in February as Lacie and I awaited her boyfriend Beau's return home from Iraq. We patiently waited along side of many other excited spouses and parents. As we waited for Beau, we got the news that his best friend from grade school would be arriving. Lacie had never met him before, but she could hardly contain her joy. I remember that day vividly because it was the start of something wonderful.
As the buses pulled up everyone started cheering and screaming. It was a truly exciting moment. The bus doors slowly opened and everyone fled towards them. Lacie and I stepped back patiently waiting for Beau to find us. While we were standing still in all the chaos a tall, wide, dark haired young man approached us.
When he finally got within talking distance of us, he nervously asked if we were waiting for Beau. I stood in silence shifting my view from Lacie to him. Suddenly Lacie shouted "YES, why do you care?" In a stern southern drawl he said "I'm Aj his best friend." Her glare quickly changed as she tried to erase her previous words..
When Lacie finally gathered her composer she introduced herself as Beau's girlfriend. After her introduction both of them peered at me. In a low voice I said "Oh I'm Jenni, her best friend." Seconds later Beau walked up behind Lacie and picked her up. I began taking photos for the rest of the evening.
About an hour later Lacie, Beau, and I went to the hotel room that Beau's mother was staying. We began to eat gumbo that his mom had made. Then we heard a knock at the door. As Beau walked towards the door, to see who it was, we heard a voice from outside shout "open up bitch its me." Soon as he unlocked the door, it flung open and Aj walked in.
As Aj approached me my face turned red. He tried talking to me but, he couldn't get a response. The rest of the night until I left he tried talking to me, still not a word came out of my mouth. After a few hours of him trying to get me to say anything I asked "will you walk me to my car?" He quickly said yes and jumped out of his chair.
As we approached my car in a low voice he said "I would love to see you again." I blushed and jumped in my car, and drove off. The whole way back to Lacie's I could not stop talking about Aj. I knew Lacie was tired of hearing me babble on about him, because every time I glanced at her she was rolling her eyes.
As we began pulling in her drive way I asked her if she could arrange a double date for the following day. She was hesitant to answer, but agreed to do so. I could barely sleep that night, as I tossed and turned under the covers, I wondered if he was also thinking of me. Finally I got comfortable enough to rest my eyes and doze off into a deep sleep.
The next morning I sprung out of bed and immediately began getting ready. As for Lacie she was still dead to the world. When I was almost completely ready Lacie's phone began to ring. I dropped everything in my hands and ran to the phone. It was Beau, I answered it but tried not to sound to excited. After listening to him complain about his truck for five minutes, I blurted out "so are we seeing you and Aj today?" To my surprise he replied " yeah he wont shut up about ya." I quickly told him bye, and hung up the phone.
A few hours later Lacie decided she was in the mood to start getting ready, as I paced the kitchen floor trying not to rush her. When two o'clock rolled around Lacie and I were looking good and on the way to see the guys. We pulled up to a Chinese restaurant and parked in the back. As we waited for them to show up I started feeling sick from all of the butterflies in my stomach. After only waiting ten minutes, Beau and Aj pulled up next to us.
I started to turn my car off and unbuckle my seat belt, as I looked out my window I saw Aj approaching me. My face instantly turned bright red, and I became very hot. He opened my car door; the only noise I could make was "hmmm." He replied "I'll take that as a thank you." We all walked in, and were quickly seated.
As the night was passing by I couldn't believe how good of a time I was having. I defiantly didn't want the night to end. Ten o'clock drew near as we began paying for the bill. Lacie's curfew only allowed us one more hour with the guys, none of us were happy about it.
We all decided on going to the beach, for a nice little moon lit walk. As we pulled up to the beach, all of us jumped out of the truck and ran towards the dunes. I fell behind so I could roll my pants legs up; no one likes wet sandy jeans. Aj slowed down to wait for me. As I caught back up he reached out his hand, I slowly entangled my fingers with his. He looked at me and in a soft voice said "you're beautiful, but they are waiting." So we took off running hand in hand.
He started to get ahead of me, so he let go of my hand. I pushed myself as much as I could, and leaped into the air. To my surprise I actually tackled him as I was intending on doing. He rolled over as we both started laughing. Through all the panting, gasping for air, and obnoxious laughing his hand slowly began to caress my face. My heart sunk deep into my chest, and all I could tell myself was "this isn't real, oh please don't mess up jen."
As we gazed into each others eyes he started to pull me closer. I could feel my body letting go and just embracing the moment. He began to kiss me all over my face slowly. I could barely take the anticipation any longer. Finally I felt his soft subtle lips pressed against mine in a tender yet aggressive feel. It was at that moment, I had come to realize him and I were at the start of something wonderful.