Undergraduate /
"horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]
Prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?---------------------------------------------------
Here is a revision for the essay, let me know what you think, about the tone, overall theme and grammar of the essay. THanks in advance.
The most important experience that is inevitably vivid in my memory and has affected me profoundly happened a year ago. My friends and I decided to play soccer in the park and have a fun time. At first everything progressed exceptionally well, until one of my friends decided to climb a nearby tree; none of us was afraid, for we knew he was experienced. During our cheerful conversation, I suddenly heard the tree branches shaking. As I looked up, I caught the sight of my friend lose his balance and fall from the highest tree branch to the bottom. The cheerful conversation instantly transformed into a tragic nightmare when we heard the sound of the impact; fear and disbelief descended upon us, but my deep concern was losing an important part of me. Having met my friend when he first arrived to the U.S., I introduced him to the campus life and acquainted him with other students so he would not feel alone and would assimilate. Gradually, we became good friends, since we noticed that our intellects, personalities and perspectives about life intersected. We became like brothers, always having each other to converse about serious personal issues and counseled each other. We spent most of our time together, whether it was in school, gym or home; we never became bored of each other and were always more interesting and original. Thus, seeing him on the grass unconscious, I understood that not having my friend next to me is not living a fulfilling life. After this introspection, I grasped the gravity of the situation and responded relatively early by ascertained his breeding, checking his heart rate and contacting emergency services and my friend's father. The EMTs asked someone to go with them, but because his father was not in a state to answer questions, they asked me to go, discerning I was somewhat in control of my emotions. I looked in his father's eyes and said with resilience, "I promise, everything is going to be fine!" In the hospital, I prayed until his parents arrived. My prayers were not in vain; the cat scans revealed no internal bleeding in his brain. I was always by his side in the intensive care, speaking to him, hoping he can hear me and has not lost his memory. And when he open his eyes and recognized me; a sigh of relief and a sudden chill went through me. During his recovery at home, he was very upset and angry for not being able to walk. After school, I periodically went to his house to practice with him and give him hope and confidence. I encouraged him when he was disappointed and wanted to give up trying, but through patience and persistent effort, we overcame that obstacle; he walked normally again. I researched plenty to discover which bright colors and fast moving objects irritate his mind and thereby interfere with his recovery. It was very tiresome for him to remain at home and be isolated from the outside world, but I tried to cheer him up and assert patience in him to fully recover. Consequently, via tenacious effort my friend recovered from that horrible accident. This occurrence taught us that miracles are possible and that one must cherish people that are close to him, for one understands the value of what he has, when he is in danger of losing it. In particular, this event established the confidence in me that I am emotionally equipped to become a doctor and that my long term goal is not a simple childish dream, but a viable option.
Please Analyze the essay;feedback and critique, appreciate it!
