Chocomint777
Oct 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Memoir writing draft about my memories in Korea [3]
It was a typical winter day in Korea, and I was rushing through the chilly air. Despite my heavy backpack and the flute, my two feet lightly bounced on the road, urging to gain a seat on the swing before other would. I gasped to follow the unexpected speed of my foot. My friend, who was already sitting on the swings, shouted out with a rasping voice, but it was indiscernible.
I wanted to hasten my pace, but my stamina won't let me. Instead, my backpack's zipper suddenly opened for no reason, pouring books and books.
It was about 3 weeks ago. I was sitting on the desk, struggling over school homework and assignments. I saw my friend looking around, smiling to me in a meaningful way. She came to me, whispering "lets skip flute lessons for a while, shall we?" I was frozen for a second, and nodded. The word, skipping was surely a spell, that makes one thrilled and fascinated, but nervous at the same time. That day, I was so absorbed to the thought of skipping flute classes that I couldn't concentrate studying.
Meanwhile, me and my friend picked up the ground-scattered books, putted it back to my backpack, and went to the swings as usual. Riding the swing is better than any other amusement park rides. Especially, I love how densely-packed buildings would expose cotton candy-spun clouds on the plain blue sky. . I tried to kick as hard as possible to see the sweet skies, but time and gravity didn't let me. Instead, we decided to go to the library.
Going to the libraries was a clever idea.People would think we were studying and would never notice I was absent from flute classes 4 weeks in a row. However, I felt uneasiness and guilt clashing up and down like tides. I tried to calm the tides, talking with my friend and watching the skies, but it was no use.
The library we went to was in the town office. Tables and bean sack scattered around the library floor, waiting for us to take a seat. My friend and I instantly sank into the lumpy fabric, holding comic books: academic comics related to science. When we read these sorts of comic books, we both felt like we were studying. Soon, we both giggled at a funny part of our comic book.
Suddenly, I felt a tap in my back. Was it my mom? I was afraid. Turning my head, I saw my aunt who works in the town office center. I haven't been greeting her since I didn't want to be caught skipping my flute lessons.
"Hi Yongju! Long time no see!"
With a small whisper, I said "Hi Aunt Lee."
"I saw you several times but you didn't notice me!" she said
"Sorry, I forgot to say hello to you," my face blushed with embarrassment, covered partially with a book.
"No need to worry," she smiled. Looking at my friend, she said, "Hi, you must be Yongju's friend,"
"Hello," She replied in an equally timid voice.
A bright smile spread over Aunt's face. In my mind, I could picture her telling my mom. Instead of running off to call my mom, she handed me a black plastic bag and said "I should get back to work. See you some day. Bye!" She gave us warm pats on our backs and left the library.
I instantly opened the plastic bag, revealing plump, orange tangerines. We left the library and I shared the, with my friend. Under the sponge-like skin of each fruit there lay a white veiled tangerine. Too lazy to remove all the white fibers, I left some of them on and popped pieces into my mouth.
I frowned "It's bitter."
My friend ate a piece and said "It's bitter, but also sweet. Isn't it?"
"Yeah," I smiled. I stood on the sidewalk, watching buildings and buildings merging to a dot. I still felt warmth on my back.
Can you check my grammar, narrative techniques, overall flow in events and especially the intro ?
bittersweet tangerines
It was a typical winter day in Korea, and I was rushing through the chilly air. Despite my heavy backpack and the flute, my two feet lightly bounced on the road, urging to gain a seat on the swing before other would. I gasped to follow the unexpected speed of my foot. My friend, who was already sitting on the swings, shouted out with a rasping voice, but it was indiscernible.
I wanted to hasten my pace, but my stamina won't let me. Instead, my backpack's zipper suddenly opened for no reason, pouring books and books.
It was about 3 weeks ago. I was sitting on the desk, struggling over school homework and assignments. I saw my friend looking around, smiling to me in a meaningful way. She came to me, whispering "lets skip flute lessons for a while, shall we?" I was frozen for a second, and nodded. The word, skipping was surely a spell, that makes one thrilled and fascinated, but nervous at the same time. That day, I was so absorbed to the thought of skipping flute classes that I couldn't concentrate studying.
Meanwhile, me and my friend picked up the ground-scattered books, putted it back to my backpack, and went to the swings as usual. Riding the swing is better than any other amusement park rides. Especially, I love how densely-packed buildings would expose cotton candy-spun clouds on the plain blue sky. . I tried to kick as hard as possible to see the sweet skies, but time and gravity didn't let me. Instead, we decided to go to the library.
Going to the libraries was a clever idea.People would think we were studying and would never notice I was absent from flute classes 4 weeks in a row. However, I felt uneasiness and guilt clashing up and down like tides. I tried to calm the tides, talking with my friend and watching the skies, but it was no use.
The library we went to was in the town office. Tables and bean sack scattered around the library floor, waiting for us to take a seat. My friend and I instantly sank into the lumpy fabric, holding comic books: academic comics related to science. When we read these sorts of comic books, we both felt like we were studying. Soon, we both giggled at a funny part of our comic book.
Suddenly, I felt a tap in my back. Was it my mom? I was afraid. Turning my head, I saw my aunt who works in the town office center. I haven't been greeting her since I didn't want to be caught skipping my flute lessons.
"Hi Yongju! Long time no see!"
With a small whisper, I said "Hi Aunt Lee."
"I saw you several times but you didn't notice me!" she said
"Sorry, I forgot to say hello to you," my face blushed with embarrassment, covered partially with a book.
"No need to worry," she smiled. Looking at my friend, she said, "Hi, you must be Yongju's friend,"
"Hello," She replied in an equally timid voice.
A bright smile spread over Aunt's face. In my mind, I could picture her telling my mom. Instead of running off to call my mom, she handed me a black plastic bag and said "I should get back to work. See you some day. Bye!" She gave us warm pats on our backs and left the library.
I instantly opened the plastic bag, revealing plump, orange tangerines. We left the library and I shared the, with my friend. Under the sponge-like skin of each fruit there lay a white veiled tangerine. Too lazy to remove all the white fibers, I left some of them on and popped pieces into my mouth.
I frowned "It's bitter."
My friend ate a piece and said "It's bitter, but also sweet. Isn't it?"
"Yeah," I smiled. I stood on the sidewalk, watching buildings and buildings merging to a dot. I still felt warmth on my back.
Can you check my grammar, narrative techniques, overall flow in events and especially the intro ?
