Posts by diiiia

diiiia

Sep 26, 2009

Undergraduate / My first name Omowumi, given to me by my mother means: "I love my child" in Yoruba [7]

This is such a personal essay, I like it!
Couple of things, what's the prompt here? Diversity or identity? I think you should clarify that a little.
A few grammatical things: "Many situations similar to my first day in kindergarten, has happened constantly throughout my life." I might reword this for more eloquence. Many is vague and it should be "have happened"

I would write this sentence in parallel structure "What usually defines a culture is the language, types of food, clothing, social norms and traditions and holidays."

In the conclusion I might tie the cultural identity to higher education, maybe how your own personal diversity ties into education pursuits. Hope it helps!

diiiia

Sep 26, 2009

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

This essay is pretty intriguing. I guess I just have some food for thought. Your focus is on the scars themselves which are the physical evidence of your mistakes (or at least symbolically). Maybe you should say your focus is on the scars because they are evidence of your bodies own healing mechanisms. That's more of a positive focus. Focus on the healing and the moving forward. You also make the connection between your mistakes and the scars but don't make a connection between the learning/inspiration from your mistake to a symbol like the scars. I might do that for a more organized flow of ideas. Hope it helps!

diiiia

Sep 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Diversity Essay (AIDS Patient) - U of Michigan App [4]

Ok here's my essay, hopefully it meshes with the prompt.
One problem is its about 380 words and needs to be ~250! Tips on skimming it + general feedback = super appreciated!

"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." (U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

Diversity is not always about race, gender, or ethnicity. I realized this in my sophomore year summer when I attended the National Youth Forum on medicine at the University of California Los Angeles. At this two week conference, I was completely immersed into the field of medicine learning from trained professionals, instructors, and fellow peers.

The forum encouraged leadership in the field of medicine and prompted students to take every leadership opportunity that became available to them. When my team was set to receive a guest speaker, a volunteer greeter was needed. Jumping on the leadership boat, I volunteered to personally receive the speaker and introduce him to my eager colleagues. The day of the lecture I greeted the speaker, Mr. Hisham, in the speaker auditorium with a good, strong handshake. He immediately charmed me with his jubilant personality and quick smile. He told me he came to speak to us about his experience as a patient in the health care system. As Mr. Hisham began his narrative to our group, he revealed to us that he currently suffers from AIDS. At that revelation I immediately cringed, contracting my hand in fright. I had never before met an AIDS patient and certainly never touched one before. Rationally, I comprehended how AIDS can be transferred and an analysis of our interaction should have eased my worry, but the stigma of the disease kept me irrationally frozen in a panic. Slowly I reevaluated my thought. I realized that if people were as irrationally afraid of AIDS patients as I was in that moment, people like Mr. Hisham would never receive a handshake, a kiss on a cheek, or a hug. It's as Mother Teresa once said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Before I could judge him, I liked Mr. Hisham. When I judged him, I feared him. As I released my prejudice, I appreciated him. As I bade Mr. Hisham farewell, I gave his hand a good, strong handshake.

The University of Michigan welcomes and embraces diversity. Especially with the inception of the Diversity Blueprints Task Force, I know the University of Michigan will embody my center for the pursuit of higher learning in an environment that celebrates educational, cultural, and personal diversity.