Posts by efesach

efesach

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Michigan LSA Essay: academic interest [4]

Have you ever texted while driving, knowing it increases the increased risk of an accident?

Have you ever texted while driving, knowing it increases the ~~increased~~ risk of an accident?

Apart from that, it's a good short answer. :]

efesach

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

Thanks guys. I edited my essay a bit today, with all of your input considered, of course.

efesach

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

There were large traces of blood in this one, but thank you for your input!

First off, let me be one of the early people to clear your head of any misconception that your high school GPA should warrant more attention than a mosquito bite.

I admire your first few sentences for diverging from what is usual -- in other words for not being insipid. You seem to imply that the voice of this generation will derive from the larynx of a genius. Again, this is curious because I never thought of the ambassador for our generation as a scholar or philosopher. Anyway, we have an essay to murder.

Well, I was recommended to write about this topic as it explains why I did poorly my freshmen year. It also shows I have changed my outlook and work ethic.

The "Voice of the generation" part was a reference to Kanye West, when he said those words in an interview. It alludes to the fact that I, not unlike Kanye West, had a huge ego which caused me to falter.

The bell rang, and my teacher began by expressing to us the importance of trying hard and setting out what was expected of us in terms of dedication and work ethic. The original sentence was unacceptably awkward.

Thank you!

The atmosphere depicted in the part about your mom cooking dinner -- it's repulsive. Parents obviously would like for their kids to do well but when they maintain what appears to be a pressurized household that inspires kids to feel sick dread over something as trivial as grades, they're failing miserably as parents who should respect and love their kids for being their kids.

Hmm, I don't know what household you grew up in, but my parents would normally freak out if I brought home news of barely failing/failing seven or so tests. Asian parents (and non-asian parents, I'm sure) put stern expectations onto their children, and I don't think they are failing miserably as parents by doing that.

Why should it matter to anyone but you what your grades are, aside from caring as a result of how it makes YOU feel?

A valid argument, but it just does. My parents care a lot about my grades, and how well I do in school, etc. While some people think of grades as trivial, it is very important to my parents. And I'm sure it is not uncommon for parents to care about a child's grades.

While we are on that subject, it was just announced that your final paragraph is the consensus pick for the worst.

Thanks.

You mean to say that that fateful day you realized people are both dumber AND smarter than you?

No, I mean to say that although some people are smarter/dumber than me, it does not matter since it is hard work that really pays off in the results. But you're right, I do need to fix the ending.

This is not a strong essay; if you don't have legitimate setbacks to write about, manufacture one and write about it.

Well, this essay wasn't really about a setback, but an experience. But I suppose you're right. I'll work on it.

Thank you very much.

-----------------------
Moonshadow0302
Thank you! :D

"Remember to take time and study all your notes, everyday!" Yeah, like that was going to happen.

This does not gel with your earlier statement

What earlier statement? the "yeah like that was going to happen" part was sarcastic.

where I piled up "A's" effortlessly and graduated at the top of my class.

How did you get the A's without ever studying? Even geniuses have to study, perhaps not as much as the others but they do study!

Hahaha, well, I was trying to say that middle school was a lot easier than high school, but put equal amount of effort into them. I'll fix it.

Thank you for your time. I appreciated it!

efesach

Sep 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

Wow, thank you so much! There might be traces of cyanide, but all in good intention. Much appreciated.

Did you literally nod off to Eminem's beats? This gets a little confusing and leaves the reader with the mental image of you sneaking your iPod into class. It paints you as not merely disinterested and overconfident, but recalcitrant. Not the best image to leave an admissions counselor with even if it is in past tense. You could leave in the nodding off and the daydreaming, but I would omit the part about Eminem.

I meant that I was mentally nodding off to the beats because I didn't care for what the teacher was talking about. Should I should clarify that or completely scrap it?

The Edison reference isn't working for me. If you were to say that the horrific grades would make Bart Simpson proud, it would make more sense in mind, but I don't equate Thomas Edison with pride in poor grades.

Haha, I changed it to Bart Simpson myself after proof reading it. I originally thought of Edison because he dropped out of school, but I guess no one really picked up on that.

Is the admissions committee going to recognize the name of your high school?

My school sends about a dozen students to ivies a year, mostly to Penn and Columbia. So at least those schools will recognize my high school. (which are two ivies I will be applying too.)

Peer connotes equality. It is kind of like saying, "there will be equals that are smarter than me, and equals that are dumber than me." Substitute a different word--people, classmates, students.

That makes sense, thanks. But what do you feel about me using smarter/dumber. Do you think I am being too blunt?

It is unclear to me what "it" is in this sentence. Pushing onto yourself? This sentence is too vague--ten words that don't really say anything. I struggles with conclusions myself, so I understand how difficult they can be, but you need to end this on a stronger note to leave a good impression with the admissions people.

Well, I tried to leave that intentionally vague. The "what really creates success" is hard work, and the "it" is the philosophy. I will work on the closing tomorrow and see how I can fix it.

Thank you so much for your time! You are awesome!

efesach

Sep 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

You didn't murder my essay! :P

But thanks for the positive comments! I don't feel so bad about it any more lol.

efesach

Sep 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

Hi people, I just want to say that I'm so glad I found this forum. :)

Anyway, I just finished my rough draft. I know it's sort of late, but.. I am a master procrastinator.

Here's a quick background story of me before reading my VERY rough essay.
I go to a top 50 high school in America, and my GPA freshmen year was ~3.2 before pulling it up to a 4.0 for both my sophomore and junior years. Yay upward trend!

Ok so, please murder this essay! Do you think I should stick with it or scrap it and write a completely new one? Is it too cliche? (it's all true though) Do I have too much dry humor? I really need a lot of feedback. Thanks a lot!

edit: I'm also applying to Michigan, and I was wondering if this would quality as the setback essay? Thanks!

-------
1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I am a genius. Success follows me like my shadow, never leaving my side. Am I the voice of the generation, of the decade? Probably not there yet. But a genius nevertheless.

That was my mindset entering high school. So naturally, I took it easy on my first day of class.

"I heard this course is crazy hard," said a worried student.
"Not only that, but the teacher gives insane pop quizzes!" quipped another.

I yawned. In my mind I was still in eighth grade, where I piled up "A's" without much effort and graduated at the top of my class. The bell rang, and my teacher began by expressing to us the importance of dedication and a strong work ethic. Uninterested, I started twirling my pencil while daydreaming about the football game later that night. As class ended, the teacher yelled out, "Remember to take time and study all your notes, everyday!" Yeah, like that was going to happen.

After the first weekend, the teacher announced a pop quiz. The quiz seemed straightforward, yet as hard as I tried, the answers to these routine questions would not form themselves in my head. I managed to escape with a barely-passing grade, and shrugged if off as a fluke. Even Superman makes mistakes once in a while.

I rode my wave of indolence for the next few weeks, where my grades hovered around mediocrity. I stubbornly convinced myself high school was no different from middle school, my grades would revert back to perfection [excellence?], and I would reclaim my academic supremacy.

Then came the gust of wind I always knew, deep down, was imminent; the one that tossed me mockingly in the air a few times before slamming me back down to earth, and perhaps a bit beneath it. I do not remember the exact situation - four tests in one day, seven tests in two days, but I do remember the results: a slew of horrific grades what would make Bart Simpson proud.

I was devastated, my ego shattered. My adrenal glands bled epinephrine as I received one lousy score after another. I contemplated dropping out of [my school] and transferring into a less competitive school. I wondered if a loophole existed where I could retake my freshmen year. Maybe I could drop out and get a job at the local Shell station - seven bucks an hour, forty hours a week, four weeks a month, twelve month a year for four years. That was a solid fifty grand while others were busy pulling all-nighters finishing homework. But I knew my parents would never allow it.

Lost, I stumbled home and found my mother making dinner in the kitchen. Quiet and defeated, I conveyed my situation, pleading for guidance and desperate for forgiveness. I watched the onion soup simmering over the stove and waited for the inevitable outburst. After a moment, my mother looked at me thoughtfully and said, "You know, someday you will learn that I.Q. measures limitation, while hard work creates the limitless."

The way my mother delivered those words gave me hope that day, and those words carried a philosophy I will hold onto for the rest of my life. We live in a judging world, and I understand that wherever I go in life, people will deem me smarter or dumber than others. But I also understand that such evaluations are meaningless, that they only create inferiority complexes. That day, I began to realize what really creates success. It is waking up early to prepare for a presentation, or taking a few minutes to help out a friend. It is staying up past midnight to study for a chemistry test, or swimming extra laps to prepare for a meet. It is something I have been pushing onto myself ever since.