Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: it is important to build more public parks and sport facilities than shopping centre [3]

Can anyone provide me with some feedback for this IELTS Task 2 question? Does it need more "advanced/academic words" or complex structures?
Thank you very much in advance

parks or sporting centres more crucial than shopping areas?

Question: When new towns are planned. It is important to build more public parks and sport facilities rather than shopping centre for people to spend their free times. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Answer:

Nowadays, many big towns and cities are built to accommodate the living of many people. The authorities have to ensure that the new towns are capable of providing adequate services for people not only to live but also to enjoy their times. It was suggested that building public facilities such as parks and sporting centre are at a higher priority than building places like shopping centres. I partly agree with this suggestion. I believe that having enough shopping centres is as important as having places for activities such as parks and sport centres.

First of all, it is very important for a town to have parks and exercise areas, particularly in big cities where there are numerous skyscrapers and not enough green locations. A park creates a green environment where people can walk along the trees, relaxing and enjoying the quite moment after a long and busy day at work. It also helps cleanse the air, which can be very polluted due to human and machine activities. In addition, sport facilities give people space to exercise, play sports or just simply stretch their arms and legs after sitting in the office for too long. It also encourages people to spend more time doing physical activities, which are very beneficial for their mental and physical health.

In the other hand, shopping centre are important for people to buy essential material and goods. The more people a city has, the more shopping centre is required. This is to ensure that there is no overload occurring to any centre and the roads surround it. Furthermore, many people enjoy window shopping and air conditioned areas, particularly in hot and humid cities such as Ho Chi Minh city. Having more shopping centres will encourage people to go out and have a look, potentially to buy something, which will eventually contribute to the development of the city's economy.

In conclusion, both shopping centres and public facilities are very critical for the development of a town or city. It is important to ensure that there are enough spaces and within the city as well as money to build those facilities. Perhaps encouraging the participation of private sector in building these facilities is a good option for the authority.