Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Correction about sharing information in the public [4]

Hi, I am going to take the IELTS exam test in the next 2 months, but I'm still stuck with writing skills.
Please help me to correct this essay, and how many score do you think I will get with this essay?
Thank you,

widespread data-sharing

Some people believe that it is a good idea to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is true that the sharing of information is very important in the technology-based world nowadays. Although some fields in life, such as academic, research and business require shared information as much as possible, it is better not to share every type of information due to its functions.

On the one hand, there are plenty of reasons why sharing information is superior. First, sharing information helps to narrow down the difficulty in research and academic fields. For example, with the public knowledge being shared, scientists can take that information as the foundation to develop their own research in a quicker way, thus saving a lot of time and effort. Second, the accessible information plays an important role in global economics nowadays. For instance, some international corporations need a huge amount of information, such as customer data, so that organizations can understand customers better, thus both the products and sales of the company can be improved.

On the other hand, it is true that some information is not meant to be share. First, private information of individuals must be protected for their own safety. To be clear, private information such as personal bank account and social network account should be kept secret to avoid criminals using it as a tool of defraud. Second, some information relating to national security must be protected at all costs. For example, if some confidential information of one country such as the nuclear launch code or the top-secret facilities addresses being leak, it can put one country into war, thus can create chaos to the world as well.

In conclusion, although some information is preferable to be shared as much as possible so that it can contribute to the development of the world, it seems true that some information is better not public due to its importance.