nottrey
Oct 12, 2009
Undergraduate / FSU Essay. This one's so hard to write on. =[ [6]
Ok line by line: In the opening line its not usually a good thing to use a vague word like "It". You feel it, but what is it is it happiness... tension... fear... some undescribed feeling that you can't name. If so say it.
I like the second line a lot I think it is descriptive and focuses the reader onto the fact that little things about life are important (a theme I felt like you went back to and is good to work off of).
The next line is good as well... but by continuing the story, which is by no means bad (it would be awesome if this was an essay describing an event in your life) you pass up a chance to focus the reader on the Latin word you are trying to focus on and tell them why it applies to you. Here is the thing... the reader needs to know what the point of the essay is right off the bat. So it would be good to say right after the line, "The group [...] instruments are conveying to me" something like, "The feelings I get from music, inspires me, this feeling of beauty, or Artes in Latin... feelings I feel can embody my life" (make it prettier than that but that gist) or use two sentences but bring the reader in to Artes (which I am assuming is the word you were driving at). That will shorten the essay and you may want to wait till the end to finish the story. Break while the people are waiting for resolution you are equating your life with this story and recording both in the same essay so maybe wait for the resolution of the essay to give the resolution of the music in the resolution of the story.
I like the last line of the first paragraph as a lead-in to the rest of the essay. Possibly look for a synonym for materials, it may not fit the tone of the essay ( but its up to you, not a big deal).
The opening to your next paragraph is perfect. It tells something about you and relates really well to your topic. I love the imagery of the splatter of thoughts... so good.
The use of humor in the middle is good unless the reader still considers 18 year olds as adolescents and then it just sounds as if Hilary Duff is your role modle which might actually detract from what your trying to get a cross (I don't know) maybe think of saying "pre-teen" or "middle school" this indicates that your tastes are changing, developing, you are growing as a person... they like that sort of thing.
"I'd hum to you [...]" I think this is a bit weak because the rest of this sentence is about what you are thinking about doing with the rest of your life. I like the use of a different word than just "sing" which can be boring but personally humming indicates a sort of distracted or quiet or unsure or unexcited feeling, not what you want to be saying to lead into, "nothing more exhilarating than watching some organized scribbles literally come to life in the voices of people and the joy they radiate from the magic they can fabricate."
I might start the third paragraph with Artes again to refocus... maybe say something liek, "Its beauty, Artes (using the focus word again to remind the reader of your purpose) that drives life" maybe not "drives" but something of that nature. Maybe put it right after the, "One two three. Two, two, three" oh and put those in quotes or italisize them because they aren't complete sentences. It shows they are thoughts.
Again your metaphore for life and beats is great... it brings beauty life and you really close and ties the three topics up with a really good metaphore. Great stuff.
The fourth article seems a bit cluttered. It took me a minute to figure out exactly what you were saying. Maybe start with the "lifes not perfect" idea and then talk about harmonies. If you use a simily (use the word like or saying something becomes) i would say music is like life not life is like music. In other words your whole article is comparing your life to music. Its not actually about music its about your life so you should work that sentence about "music becoming the complexities of life" the other way around. Personaly I don't like using "becoming" as a comparer because it is a word that implies a change or movement of ideas when really you're not saying that the complexities of life are changing into something musical (dissonance) your saying they are simultaneously similar.
It might be good to mention Of Montreal in a line. It gives a real life band and their attributes and compares them to your life. But I would not devote a whole paragraph to them (good way to shorten) and I would definately not make that my last paragraph. It opens to many questions and leaves the reader with out that resolving chord. Maybe use the second half of the story in the first paragraph to finish the essay off with and rework one of those ideas of your life being embodied by the beauty/Artes of music as your finishing line.
Ok line by line: In the opening line its not usually a good thing to use a vague word like "It". You feel it, but what is it is it happiness... tension... fear... some undescribed feeling that you can't name. If so say it.
I like the second line a lot I think it is descriptive and focuses the reader onto the fact that little things about life are important (a theme I felt like you went back to and is good to work off of).
The next line is good as well... but by continuing the story, which is by no means bad (it would be awesome if this was an essay describing an event in your life) you pass up a chance to focus the reader on the Latin word you are trying to focus on and tell them why it applies to you. Here is the thing... the reader needs to know what the point of the essay is right off the bat. So it would be good to say right after the line, "The group [...] instruments are conveying to me" something like, "The feelings I get from music, inspires me, this feeling of beauty, or Artes in Latin... feelings I feel can embody my life" (make it prettier than that but that gist) or use two sentences but bring the reader in to Artes (which I am assuming is the word you were driving at). That will shorten the essay and you may want to wait till the end to finish the story. Break while the people are waiting for resolution you are equating your life with this story and recording both in the same essay so maybe wait for the resolution of the essay to give the resolution of the music in the resolution of the story.
I like the last line of the first paragraph as a lead-in to the rest of the essay. Possibly look for a synonym for materials, it may not fit the tone of the essay ( but its up to you, not a big deal).
The opening to your next paragraph is perfect. It tells something about you and relates really well to your topic. I love the imagery of the splatter of thoughts... so good.
The use of humor in the middle is good unless the reader still considers 18 year olds as adolescents and then it just sounds as if Hilary Duff is your role modle which might actually detract from what your trying to get a cross (I don't know) maybe think of saying "pre-teen" or "middle school" this indicates that your tastes are changing, developing, you are growing as a person... they like that sort of thing.
"I'd hum to you [...]" I think this is a bit weak because the rest of this sentence is about what you are thinking about doing with the rest of your life. I like the use of a different word than just "sing" which can be boring but personally humming indicates a sort of distracted or quiet or unsure or unexcited feeling, not what you want to be saying to lead into, "nothing more exhilarating than watching some organized scribbles literally come to life in the voices of people and the joy they radiate from the magic they can fabricate."
I might start the third paragraph with Artes again to refocus... maybe say something liek, "Its beauty, Artes (using the focus word again to remind the reader of your purpose) that drives life" maybe not "drives" but something of that nature. Maybe put it right after the, "One two three. Two, two, three" oh and put those in quotes or italisize them because they aren't complete sentences. It shows they are thoughts.
Again your metaphore for life and beats is great... it brings beauty life and you really close and ties the three topics up with a really good metaphore. Great stuff.
The fourth article seems a bit cluttered. It took me a minute to figure out exactly what you were saying. Maybe start with the "lifes not perfect" idea and then talk about harmonies. If you use a simily (use the word like or saying something becomes) i would say music is like life not life is like music. In other words your whole article is comparing your life to music. Its not actually about music its about your life so you should work that sentence about "music becoming the complexities of life" the other way around. Personaly I don't like using "becoming" as a comparer because it is a word that implies a change or movement of ideas when really you're not saying that the complexities of life are changing into something musical (dissonance) your saying they are simultaneously similar.
It might be good to mention Of Montreal in a line. It gives a real life band and their attributes and compares them to your life. But I would not devote a whole paragraph to them (good way to shorten) and I would definately not make that my last paragraph. It opens to many questions and leaves the reader with out that resolving chord. Maybe use the second half of the story in the first paragraph to finish the essay off with and rework one of those ideas of your life being embodied by the beauty/Artes of music as your finishing line.
