Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - can prison solve crimes? Crime & education. [3]

To admin:

I just noticed that my thread has been deleted with a reason saying "one essay at a time". I apologize for the violation of forum's regulation. I was trying to check my thread then somehow that mistake happened. Please don't delete this one since I really need help. One more useless thread title = BAN.

Subject:
In many countries, prison is the most common solution to the problem of crime.
However, another effective way is to provide people with better education so that they cannot become criminals.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

In terms of dealing with criminals, imprisonment is generally adopted by many countries. Though offering better education to the general public may seem like a proper alternative to bring down crime rate by preventing them involve in illegalities, in my view, it has limited effort on doing so.

Criminals are not always due to the deprivation of education. Indeed, one inevitable feature that authorities are facing is that offenders nowadays are equipped with higher and specialized education which has greatly increased the possibility of people becoming felons in certain fields. When they commit crimes, they are more likely to get away with their crimes and consequently, fewer convictions. Additionally, education could not solve real-life problems. Struggles at school, lack of social bonding and lack of foresight, all of which are linked to criminality. Wait, is there anything missing? Apart from external factors, personal issues could not be neglected. Internal characteristics are something education could not deal with as well and may work as a crime trigger, such as impulsivity, mental disability, a sense of isolation and even personal preference, counterintuitively, some well-educated people have a penchant for running afoul of the law - shoplifting.

If we keep dissecting the root causes of various crimes, the efficiency of better education will be further lessened. On average, higher and better education guarantees an individual's material needs by entitling them the possibility to earn money from legal means. However, many people have their internal balance that constantly weighs the gains and losses relating to one specific activity. A person may not commit minor offences, like robbery, but ends up smuggling which apparently brings him/her a big fortune. This time, the term of imprisonment may be the only thing that stops these potential lawbreakers.

To conclude, continuous and better education may have its impact on eliminating some minor offences, however, its effectiveness leaves it at that.

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One online teacher(not a native English speaker, nor tesol certified though) told me that I should elaborate the effectiveness of imprisonment in order to "discuss both views" since in her side of view this topic is "apparently a two sides question", thus the merits of both need to be discussed in detail.

As far as I'm concerned, the topic just mentioned "another effective way is better education" and it has a focus of eliminating culprits(they cannot become criminals). Since I personally presented an opinion that better education could not solve "people becoming criminals" but only restricting crime levels, I was judged as illogical and lack of evidence.

I am so confused now, do I seriously need to write one body paragraph from a side that imprisonment is effective with some examples(link to social stability then turn to the trust between government and the general public, the teacher suggested), then talk about the limitation that education itself has. Or I could answer the topic as I did herewith.

Thanks for the help, and I appreciate any response.

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Background:

I have to hit a score of 7 in writing as an entrance requirement for my job certification. I would like to practice and most importantly, I would like to figure out how native English speakers' views on these ielts tasks.