Shellburger
Nov 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / The Influence of Natural Magic to Modern Science - Concise? Sentence Flow? [2]
I recently got a terrible mark on my last essay.
The TA claimed that I went on too many tangents and that my essay didn't flow
I am now writing another essay in science and natural magic! As if writing a normal essay was not hard enough. I am wondering if this flows or if I should shift my sentences around? If I should digress or if I am too wordy. This is an undergrad begging for help.
Here is my first paragraph:
The Influence of Natural Magic to Modern Science
In order to comprehend the forsaken impact that natural magic had on science today, a concise understanding of what natural magic is, is crucial. Originally in the Renaissance, there was term called natural philosophy and it attempted to explain everything in the natural world though common experience. During the Scientific Revolution, the phrase became more empirical and precise. The move was from an instrumentalist view, where theories were hypothetical, to a realist outlook, where foundations were set in stone based on analysis. Natural magic is based on the theory that particular things possessed hidden occult powers to mysteriously affect different things. The broad term of natural magic involved earthly subjects such as alchemy, celestial things like astrology, and spiritual forms like angels and demons. To be a successful magician in terms of natural magic, was to have a clear understanding of the natural properties of entities, how they would react with one another, and how these forces could be used to produce the desired outcome. Natural magic was the science that gave both natural and rational reasons to the occult forces in the natural world. The purpose was to explain the natural world by means of empiricism and argued that results from experiences were factual because they were laid out by God. Natural magic made hypothetical theories into facts based on the justification that it is so because it has been seen through experience and that God had intended for it to that way. God made it to happen and we need no further understand as to why except that. The magical attributes particular objects had were said to be the work of God, for only he could produce supernatural events.
I recently got a terrible mark on my last essay.
The TA claimed that I went on too many tangents and that my essay didn't flow
I am now writing another essay in science and natural magic! As if writing a normal essay was not hard enough. I am wondering if this flows or if I should shift my sentences around? If I should digress or if I am too wordy. This is an undergrad begging for help.
Here is my first paragraph:
The Influence of Natural Magic to Modern Science
In order to comprehend the forsaken impact that natural magic had on science today, a concise understanding of what natural magic is, is crucial. Originally in the Renaissance, there was term called natural philosophy and it attempted to explain everything in the natural world though common experience. During the Scientific Revolution, the phrase became more empirical and precise. The move was from an instrumentalist view, where theories were hypothetical, to a realist outlook, where foundations were set in stone based on analysis. Natural magic is based on the theory that particular things possessed hidden occult powers to mysteriously affect different things. The broad term of natural magic involved earthly subjects such as alchemy, celestial things like astrology, and spiritual forms like angels and demons. To be a successful magician in terms of natural magic, was to have a clear understanding of the natural properties of entities, how they would react with one another, and how these forces could be used to produce the desired outcome. Natural magic was the science that gave both natural and rational reasons to the occult forces in the natural world. The purpose was to explain the natural world by means of empiricism and argued that results from experiences were factual because they were laid out by God. Natural magic made hypothetical theories into facts based on the justification that it is so because it has been seen through experience and that God had intended for it to that way. God made it to happen and we need no further understand as to why except that. The magical attributes particular objects had were said to be the work of God, for only he could produce supernatural events.