Undergraduate / I have confidence to enlighten the community ;Wisconsin-Madison Personal Statement [3]

Hello to everyone. Please comment on my essay. I hope I can get the advices from you all so that I can fix my problems and produce a better essay. Thank you!!

Prompt #1
The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally, and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

The blazing, ferocious sun is emitting the radiant energy and warm beneath the sky. The heartwarming sunshine marks a significant day not only to inspire those who are less fortunate in one part of the world, but also to revitalize the world with love and happiness. Stepping down from the bus, I have reached a small rural town called Semenyih which is far away from the bustling capital city of Selangor. Then, I followed the rest of the volunteers of the community service to the upstairs of a building.

Looking at the forty orphans who were sitting in a small room, all the volunteers waved hands to the orphans and greeted them with vibrant smiles. After the ice breaking session, every volunteer started to demonstrate his or her own talents to the orphans. So, I did some simple card tricks to amuse them. I was really glad to see their smiling faces. After that, all of the volunteers, including me, performed a traditional dance called "Jongket" to them. The whole room was filled with laughter and happiness which I believed the orphans had been longing for.

During the brief drawing session, I was by the side of a group of orphans to observe the orphans' drawings. A boy who scribbled the whole paper with black color lines had caught my attention. I went forward to guide him but he remained speechless. However, I was optimistic and continued to motivate the boy until he finally spoke to me, "I have nothing in my mind about everything, even my future." So, I motivated him not to give up easily but to keep fighting along the bumpy road till the end. I also guided him all the way until he finally created a masterpiece which illustrated about the happy moment in playground.

Next, the empty slot provided me a chance to interact with all the orphans. They shared their great stories to me excitingly. In fact, I knew their smiles were just the disguise of their inflictions. They did struggle for a long period after the loss of their parents. However, I was glad to see most of them had overcome the worse in life. Currently, they seemed to work very hard with their academics. It might still have a long way to go, but the willingness and determination to make a small difference in life would definitely be a great leap to the way of success.

With my presence in Wisconsin's community, I have confidence to enlighten the community with my relentless effort and dedication to community service in Wisconsin. Living in a country which is renowned for its cultural diversity, I could spice up the life of community in Wisconsin by introducing Malaysian cultures such as the traditional dances of different ethnics in my country. Most importantly, my optimistic attitude inspires me to focus on people qualities, subsequently allowing me to build up a peer group which consists of different positive characteristics in the community of Wisconsin.