azheng2006
Dec 29, 2024
Undergraduate / "Impact of sports on my life as an asthmatic" - CMU Prompt [3]
@Holt
Thank you so much for your feedback! I agree with your points and worked to fix them. I'm trying to inform the reviewer about the impact sports participation had on my life by recognizing I hold more potential than the limits I set myself to. I hope this revised essay streamlines my idea more clearly.
Revised Essay:
Tweet! My gym teacher blew the whistle, and I immediately took off, sprinting down the track. Barely fifty meters in, I felt my chest tighten and heard the sounds of my classmates' footsteps grow distant. Dropping to my knees, I felt the familiar panic of an asthma attack. However, I pushed my body to finish the mile with a final time of 9:50. That memory always reminded me of asthma's limitations on my life. Still, it also highlighted a moment where I fought to overcome them.
Entering high school, I wanted to fight back against asthma; however, I was too embarrassed by my weak body to try something new. Sophomore year, however, offered a chance to change through tennis. My school's program was small and often overlooked, which made joining feel less intimidating. Immediately, my lack of stamina and skill was evident, and I frequently questioned if I belonged. But with every match and drill, I pushed myself further, eventually improving my fitness. By junior year, I wanted more. I joined cross country to improve my stamina for tennis, but I quickly fell in love with the sport. Running felt freeing, and the individual focus pushed me to compete against myself. From struggling to run 1 mile to completing 10 miles, I realized asthma didn't define my limits-I did.
Today, sports symbolize my triumph over asthma. Growing up as an asthmatic, obese child, I would've never thought of being the first varsity for the school tennis team or racing 5Ks weekly. By participating in athletics, I learned the value of stepping outside my comfort zone and always pursuing growth. I strive to use this knowledge in every part of my life, and I look forward to applying it to the opportunities and challenges I'll face in college.
@Holt
Thank you so much for your feedback! I agree with your points and worked to fix them. I'm trying to inform the reviewer about the impact sports participation had on my life by recognizing I hold more potential than the limits I set myself to. I hope this revised essay streamlines my idea more clearly.
Revised Essay:
Tweet! My gym teacher blew the whistle, and I immediately took off, sprinting down the track. Barely fifty meters in, I felt my chest tighten and heard the sounds of my classmates' footsteps grow distant. Dropping to my knees, I felt the familiar panic of an asthma attack. However, I pushed my body to finish the mile with a final time of 9:50. That memory always reminded me of asthma's limitations on my life. Still, it also highlighted a moment where I fought to overcome them.
Entering high school, I wanted to fight back against asthma; however, I was too embarrassed by my weak body to try something new. Sophomore year, however, offered a chance to change through tennis. My school's program was small and often overlooked, which made joining feel less intimidating. Immediately, my lack of stamina and skill was evident, and I frequently questioned if I belonged. But with every match and drill, I pushed myself further, eventually improving my fitness. By junior year, I wanted more. I joined cross country to improve my stamina for tennis, but I quickly fell in love with the sport. Running felt freeing, and the individual focus pushed me to compete against myself. From struggling to run 1 mile to completing 10 miles, I realized asthma didn't define my limits-I did.
Today, sports symbolize my triumph over asthma. Growing up as an asthmatic, obese child, I would've never thought of being the first varsity for the school tennis team or racing 5Ks weekly. By participating in athletics, I learned the value of stepping outside my comfort zone and always pursuing growth. I strive to use this knowledge in every part of my life, and I look forward to applying it to the opportunities and challenges I'll face in college.
