EchoLight
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / BU supp: Why are you interested in BU and 3 words to describe you best [10]
Not nice at all. Your language is simplistic by US standards. Also, though sufficiently fluent, it is cumbersome. It lacks elegance. & I dare say it's a very generic type of essay for most Asians.
"Your essay is very personal and strong in MANY ways. You sound like you'd fit in at BU."
NO offence to MF2010 & ethelion, but, the truth can't be further.
Allow me to highlight your "tenacity" paragraph as an example:
1) "I always strive to be tenacious when met with an obstacle or difficulty."
ERROR: Like I said, fluent yet unwieldy use of language. "I am tenacious in the face of hardship" is better.
2) "To always have tenacity" is a phrase that I constantly say to myself.
ERROR: No one cares what you say to yourself, period.
3) It has reminded me to keep moving forward and never giving up even when all seems bleak.
2 ERRORS: "It" here refers to the phrase I presume. The phrase doesn't remind you. You USE IT to remind yourself. Also, "to never giving up" is just plain bad grammar. "Never giving up" should be replaced with "never give up".
4) My dad was diagnosed with the eye disease, Glaucoma just last year
ERROR: There should be a comma following the word "Glaucoma".
5) and being tenacious taught me never to give up hope but to stand together with him to fight this disease.
2 ERRORS: "Being tenacious" teaches you nothing. It is a state, a quality you possess. Secondly, your usage of the word "but" is clearly wrong. NEVER giving up hope & standing together with your father are 2 activites that go hand-in-hand. They are not at odds with each other. Therefore, the conjunction "and" should be used instead.
6) The spirit of always having tenacity
ERROR: Is there a "spirit of SOMETIMES having tenacity"? The phrase "spirit of tenacity" should be used instead.
In conclusion, your blunt use of English is glaringly evident throughout your entire essay (8 errors in 1 paragraph). You want to be sharp. Precision. Accuracy. & the final quality that tops it off, the icing on the cake, of every self-promotional essay is that DEDICATION, PASSION that just bursts out from your writing. The writer who achieves that through writing, who stirs up the emotions through the skilful manipulation of the written word, is one who will stand a much greater chance to enter BU (in this scenario only, of course. Haha).
& so I suggest this:
"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity." - Louis Pasteur. I have memorized this quote by heart. It motivates me to never ever give up hope, even when my future seems bleak. My dear father, whom I absolutely adored and taught me to be me, was diagnosed with the eye disease, glaucoma, just last year. He taught me too, to be tenacious, to persevere. And so today, I persevere with him as we fight this disease together. The spirit of tenacity is what I wish to share with the BU community. To persevere, to believe in oneself.
COMMENT: The phrase "taught me to be me" is used powerfully. It is a judicious reminder to the reader, that you are no Belle. You are Tan Yi Pei. Moreover, the phrase acts as an evocative reference to Paragraph 2, in which you highlighted how your dad played a pivotal role in your development. You want to convince the admissions officer reading your essay. It must be compelling. Therefore, the concluding statement "To persevere, to believe in oneself". Elegant. Persuasive.
Not nice at all. Your language is simplistic by US standards. Also, though sufficiently fluent, it is cumbersome. It lacks elegance. & I dare say it's a very generic type of essay for most Asians.
"Your essay is very personal and strong in MANY ways. You sound like you'd fit in at BU."
NO offence to MF2010 & ethelion, but, the truth can't be further.
Allow me to highlight your "tenacity" paragraph as an example:
1) "I always strive to be tenacious when met with an obstacle or difficulty."
ERROR: Like I said, fluent yet unwieldy use of language. "I am tenacious in the face of hardship" is better.
2) "To always have tenacity" is a phrase that I constantly say to myself.
ERROR: No one cares what you say to yourself, period.
3) It has reminded me to keep moving forward and never giving up even when all seems bleak.
2 ERRORS: "It" here refers to the phrase I presume. The phrase doesn't remind you. You USE IT to remind yourself. Also, "to never giving up" is just plain bad grammar. "Never giving up" should be replaced with "never give up".
4) My dad was diagnosed with the eye disease, Glaucoma just last year
ERROR: There should be a comma following the word "Glaucoma".
5) and being tenacious taught me never to give up hope but to stand together with him to fight this disease.
2 ERRORS: "Being tenacious" teaches you nothing. It is a state, a quality you possess. Secondly, your usage of the word "but" is clearly wrong. NEVER giving up hope & standing together with your father are 2 activites that go hand-in-hand. They are not at odds with each other. Therefore, the conjunction "and" should be used instead.
6) The spirit of always having tenacity
ERROR: Is there a "spirit of SOMETIMES having tenacity"? The phrase "spirit of tenacity" should be used instead.
In conclusion, your blunt use of English is glaringly evident throughout your entire essay (8 errors in 1 paragraph). You want to be sharp. Precision. Accuracy. & the final quality that tops it off, the icing on the cake, of every self-promotional essay is that DEDICATION, PASSION that just bursts out from your writing. The writer who achieves that through writing, who stirs up the emotions through the skilful manipulation of the written word, is one who will stand a much greater chance to enter BU (in this scenario only, of course. Haha).
& so I suggest this:
"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity." - Louis Pasteur. I have memorized this quote by heart. It motivates me to never ever give up hope, even when my future seems bleak. My dear father, whom I absolutely adored and taught me to be me, was diagnosed with the eye disease, glaucoma, just last year. He taught me too, to be tenacious, to persevere. And so today, I persevere with him as we fight this disease together. The spirit of tenacity is what I wish to share with the BU community. To persevere, to believe in oneself.
COMMENT: The phrase "taught me to be me" is used powerfully. It is a judicious reminder to the reader, that you are no Belle. You are Tan Yi Pei. Moreover, the phrase acts as an evocative reference to Paragraph 2, in which you highlighted how your dad played a pivotal role in your development. You want to convince the admissions officer reading your essay. It must be compelling. Therefore, the concluding statement "To persevere, to believe in oneself". Elegant. Persuasive.
