Undergraduate / A home for Ganzo- Concoll Supplement [4]

I tried to make the supplement a little more personal than my common app essay, yet at times it feels like I am not properly explaining the setting. Any suggestions as to how I can modify my abrupt ending would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

We value getting to know you on a more personal level. For each of the following questions, please type a single-spaced response of up to 250 words and attach the document to your Supplement.

What, in particular, influences your desire to attend Connecticut College?

"When I transferred to Walter Payton College Prep, introducing myself to sophomores and befriending students who had already know each other for nearly two years seemed a daunting task. Recounting my adventures as a boarding school student served as a convenient icebreaker, but I needed a way to assimilate into the student body more easily. "I'm Dante," I said, "but you can call me Gonzo."

"Ganzo? Like a goose?" asked a girl in the room loudly. "No, Gonzo, like my last name." The girl had already scrawled GANZO across my notebook, and after every encounter with her it had appeared in some new part of my school supplies. I had my new name.

In Concoll I see a place for Ganzo. Like geese, who fly in formation to reduce drag and increase distance, Concoll is a haven for students with a common direction who can rely on each other's flaps. Just as the lead goose in a formation tires and moves to the back, so too does Concoll allow its students to engage in leadership opportunities and be well rounded students capable of pursuing their dreams, as well as teaching them to share their gifts and talents.

I am drawn by the extent to which Concoll prepares pre-law students at top law schools, and after all, who can resist the breathtaking Arboratum?"(222 words)

Additionally, I have tried time and again to write the "tell us something we didn't know" about my enjoyment of barbershop singing, yet my sentences keep coming out dryly, such as:

"I simply adore barbershop quartets. I remember very little music outside of the mainstream hits from my early years, but upon entering high school I was enraptured by R&B, Alternative and Gospel music. , I was afraid of the slightly more individualized singing that a cappella posed, but when my music director encouraged me to audition, I vastly underestimated the impact it would go on to have in my life. Barbershop singing has helped me to be confident when singing in front of large crowds of people, has enabled me to trust and rely on others when I sing, and overall has enhanced my high school experience." (107 words)

Please tell me what parts I can eliminate/embellish. Thank you very much.