Undergraduate / "tutoring violin" -150 word essay elaborating on my personal activity [NEW]

Summer Violin Tutoring

Over the summer, a friend of my mother's inquired whether I was interested in tutoring violin to her eighth-grade daughter. I took the job believing that it'd be a good opportunity to broaden my experience. She was a girl who very much resembled me at her age. Every time she felt frustrated during lessons, she would whine and pout, just like I used to do. Nevertheless, I cheered her on because I knew what she felt. I did not want to see her give up her violin and miss the valuable opportunity of learning an instrument. My goal was to not let her be discouraged. From time to time, I saw her gain passion and improve dramatically. I remember the day when she completed her entire two-octave scales. She had shown me what she can accomplish with devotion. I succeeded in my goal and she succeeded in hers.

(148 words)

I think it sounds too solid..
My friend pointed out that the very last sentence seems a little
awkward..
I would appreciate a feedback
Thank you!