goto124
Feb 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / "When I First Met Him" - How can this Descriptive/Romantic story be improved? [2]
(About the thread title: Is it too generic? I hope I don't get banned.)
Before you asked "What's the question that you're supposed to answer?", note that this story isn't by me. I found it in a text file on my laptop (which is a pass-me-down). I though that it would be nice to polish it up...
I'm rather sure this is a fan fiction, which would make the appearance of a emotional, talking mouse far less jarring.
I suspect that it's too mysterious. Certain parts could be awkward.
Feb 13, 11:59 pm
I watch the clock intently.
I cannot sleep, I cannot rest,
For the big day is a minute away.
The clock glows bright, my eyes open wide,
As I wait for the moment to pass
And for me to see
The fruit of my efforts.
The clock ticks...
Would it be truly worth it?
Or would I be disappointed - to find out that
The anticipation is sweeter than the reward itself?
But I could care about that no more
When the clock struck twelve.
Swiftly, I got up and
Knocked on the door.
Knock, knock.
Would anyone answer?
Would anyone even be awake to answer?
I knock harder.
Knock, knock, knock.
And then...
... the door opens.
"What's with all the fuss?
Why does everyone believe in all this @#$!?"
***
Feb 14, 4:13 am
I looked at him - someone I've been waiting for ever since I knew he existed. I noted every detail of him - his unusually large size, his muscular body, his skin that took on the bright colour of desert sand, even his tattoos - 2 metallic blue ones on his shoulders, and another 2 on the back of his hands in a dark red.
All of which I had seen before in pictures, but appeared so much more beautiful now that I could see him for real.
Suddenly, he woke up.
His huge body shook as he struggled to straighten it. His tattoos seemed to have started to glow, for those on his shoulders had turned sapphire blue, and the ones on his hands has became blood red. Slowly, he turned his head around.
And then, our eyes met.
His eyes were akin to a war veteran's - showing how much he had been through, how much he knew about pain, suffering and even life itself. He might as well have been the main character of a good, long novel...
At the same time, however, his red eyes expressed something else.
Confusion.
Confusion about the world around him, about what was going on...
As if he had just woke up from a tousand-year coma...
As if he was only halfway through the novel...
***
All of a sudden, he turned his head away.
From a distance, a soft whimper could be heard.
I turned around.
A dark grey mouse was approaching us. A darker raincloud hung over its head, pouring water over the rodent such that a long puddle trailed behind him. Tears streamed down his face. In its hands held a red heart-shaped bx of chocolates.
It was broken in half.
As the mouse drew nearer, its words became audible...
"What did I do wrong? Why must this happen to me all the time?"
It buried its face in the box of chocolates.
"Why do even the worst mice get a lover, when I have enough
difficulty getting a friend?"
It raised its head to the heavens.
"This isn't fair! I'm the only one who can't find a soulmate!"
Its hands tightened around the broken box, crushing the cardboard.
"Am I doomed for my entire life? Why must I be forever alone?"
By the last word, its whimper had escalated into a scream.
With that, it fell into a dead faint.
***
I looked upon the poor mouse. As rain continued to pour on it, I thought about how much pain had been though...
Slowly, I shifted my gaze to him. By then, I was wondering:
Have you ever felt like this before?
He must have been able to read my mind somehow, as he responded to my question. He slouched a little bit, his head dipped further down into his chest. His eyes and tattoos seemed to have dimmed a little.
After a few moments, he turned to face me directly. The look he was wearing was familiar, for it was the same look that those older people gave me whenever I asked them a question.
You have a lot to learn, young grasshopper.
Embarrassed, I tucked my chin into my chest.
A long, awkward silence followed.
***
As time dragged on, I became more and more uncomfortable, yet I remained silent. I already knew what to do; I just lacked the confidence...
Finally, I spoke.
"May I..."
Quickly, he spun his head round.
I cut short my question, thinking that I was just being silly.
But I looked into his eyes, and saw that they were showing curiousity.
"...call you Andy?"
As if in shock, he tipped his head backwards, his eyes momentarily glowing rather bright.
Regret begun to fill up in me. Had I given him an impression of a wierd person?
He continued to mull over it.
I waited...
And then, he nodded.
The ice between us had been broken.
The feelings of regret was replaced by happiness.
Right there and then, I felt so lucky just to be with Andy.
(About the thread title: Is it too generic? I hope I don't get banned.)
Before you asked "What's the question that you're supposed to answer?", note that this story isn't by me. I found it in a text file on my laptop (which is a pass-me-down). I though that it would be nice to polish it up...
I'm rather sure this is a fan fiction, which would make the appearance of a emotional, talking mouse far less jarring.
I suspect that it's too mysterious. Certain parts could be awkward.
Feb 13, 11:59 pm
I watch the clock intently.
I cannot sleep, I cannot rest,
For the big day is a minute away.
The clock glows bright, my eyes open wide,
As I wait for the moment to pass
And for me to see
The fruit of my efforts.
The clock ticks...
Would it be truly worth it?
Or would I be disappointed - to find out that
The anticipation is sweeter than the reward itself?
But I could care about that no more
When the clock struck twelve.
Swiftly, I got up and
Knocked on the door.
Knock, knock.
Would anyone answer?
Would anyone even be awake to answer?
I knock harder.
Knock, knock, knock.
And then...
... the door opens.
"What's with all the fuss?
Why does everyone believe in all this @#$!?"
***
Feb 14, 4:13 am
I looked at him - someone I've been waiting for ever since I knew he existed. I noted every detail of him - his unusually large size, his muscular body, his skin that took on the bright colour of desert sand, even his tattoos - 2 metallic blue ones on his shoulders, and another 2 on the back of his hands in a dark red.
All of which I had seen before in pictures, but appeared so much more beautiful now that I could see him for real.
Suddenly, he woke up.
His huge body shook as he struggled to straighten it. His tattoos seemed to have started to glow, for those on his shoulders had turned sapphire blue, and the ones on his hands has became blood red. Slowly, he turned his head around.
And then, our eyes met.
His eyes were akin to a war veteran's - showing how much he had been through, how much he knew about pain, suffering and even life itself. He might as well have been the main character of a good, long novel...
At the same time, however, his red eyes expressed something else.
Confusion.
Confusion about the world around him, about what was going on...
As if he had just woke up from a tousand-year coma...
As if he was only halfway through the novel...
***
All of a sudden, he turned his head away.
From a distance, a soft whimper could be heard.
I turned around.
A dark grey mouse was approaching us. A darker raincloud hung over its head, pouring water over the rodent such that a long puddle trailed behind him. Tears streamed down his face. In its hands held a red heart-shaped bx of chocolates.
It was broken in half.
As the mouse drew nearer, its words became audible...
"What did I do wrong? Why must this happen to me all the time?"
It buried its face in the box of chocolates.
"Why do even the worst mice get a lover, when I have enough
difficulty getting a friend?"
It raised its head to the heavens.
"This isn't fair! I'm the only one who can't find a soulmate!"
Its hands tightened around the broken box, crushing the cardboard.
"Am I doomed for my entire life? Why must I be forever alone?"
By the last word, its whimper had escalated into a scream.
With that, it fell into a dead faint.
***
I looked upon the poor mouse. As rain continued to pour on it, I thought about how much pain had been though...
Slowly, I shifted my gaze to him. By then, I was wondering:
Have you ever felt like this before?
He must have been able to read my mind somehow, as he responded to my question. He slouched a little bit, his head dipped further down into his chest. His eyes and tattoos seemed to have dimmed a little.
After a few moments, he turned to face me directly. The look he was wearing was familiar, for it was the same look that those older people gave me whenever I asked them a question.
You have a lot to learn, young grasshopper.
Embarrassed, I tucked my chin into my chest.
A long, awkward silence followed.
***
As time dragged on, I became more and more uncomfortable, yet I remained silent. I already knew what to do; I just lacked the confidence...
Finally, I spoke.
"May I..."
Quickly, he spun his head round.
I cut short my question, thinking that I was just being silly.
But I looked into his eyes, and saw that they were showing curiousity.
"...call you Andy?"
As if in shock, he tipped his head backwards, his eyes momentarily glowing rather bright.
Regret begun to fill up in me. Had I given him an impression of a wierd person?
He continued to mull over it.
I waited...
And then, he nodded.
The ice between us had been broken.
The feelings of regret was replaced by happiness.
Right there and then, I felt so lucky just to be with Andy.