hanningtone1990
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / ''Gift or challenge?'' personal admission essay. [3]
This is my first essay and I need criticism and revision help, please!
question:Please write an essay on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself
One hot late-summer day when I was in high school, our member of parliament came to visit us with a surprise present: 2000 US dollars.He told us we could use it for anything we wanted. As the school captain and in charge of the gift, it was difficult to come up with a decision with what we would do with it.
Consistent with my love for freedom and my belief in democracy, I gave directions to class monitors to elect representatives who would debate on how to spend the money. Otherwise, making decisions alone would be like driving a car that makes only left turns.At first, I scoffed at such a tiresome idea of a debate which would only be fiery. Who would want to waste beautiful sunny days, moderating a discussion,pretending to be chair of a parliamentary select committee? After the first debate however, I became absolutely riveted by the nuances and soon began crafting clever diplomatic techniques and schemes to ensure whatever was decided by the committee would benefit all students and better understand the ever changing dynamics.But this was no feathers on a snake, many things I lacked interest on at first have stirred a lot of interest later when I tried them.
Interestingly, when one of the representatives suggested that part of the money be used in purchasing musical instruments for religious societies in the school, I was not sure of what I believed. I love new ideas,new perspectives and passions, but at this point in my life, I like being unsure. Uncertainty leaves room for growth, change and learning which is most important now.I had to be sure not to play deaf to the voice of reason and conscience or otherwise make grave mistakes by deciding with jest and levity, impulse and passion, blindness and lack of consideration. I believe religion should be separated from state, therefore, the question of purchasing musical instruments for religious societies was out of question. I did not want in to be done, but I was concerned about the precedent of it.
After the second meeting,there was no resolution.I called off the preceding meeting and urged the representatives to research deeper and collect suggestions from their classes.However, this was like lights going off during a surgery.Most were disappointed.This reminded me of the model parliament in high school.As the director of the model parliament, I moderated students as they debated on issues of national and international importance and tried to solve them.More interesting was partaking in the debate. I would be assigned to represent a ministry or certain country.I would then need to research my ministry's position on topics to be discussed, articulate my view and try to convince my fellow delegates to support my position.This was a real show of how a government really works.
Thankfully, through my direction and convincing, we manage to reach a solution.Keeping in mind that people develop strong ideologies and principles, twenty percent of the money was to be distributed to clubs which I ha reinstated for the first time in five years. This would ensure fellow students engaged in meaningful activities over their free time and keep them focused. Twenty percent went to purchase of presents as motivation to students ranked top in their classes, in math team and physics team. Fortunately, I was among them.I supported the idea because it was a way of inspiring fellow students to search for knowledge, which kindled my own quest to understand the world and people around me.
Similarly, twenty percent was used to motivate volunteers and those involved in community service. To my surprise, I was chosen to be one of the beneficiaries for tutoring students who had difficulties in physics, with an aim of ensuring that whenever possible, I had used my time, skills and talents to benefit fellow students.Twenty percent of the money was used, under my direction, to find speakers to speak at a series of colloquia on topics ranging fro the fascinating realm of business( which interests me a lot) to politics and diplomacy.This created networking opportunities which always comes handy later in life.
Finally, those who excelled in sports and won the inter-class competition, which games prefect had organized under my direction, got a trip to Kisumu museum and snake park. I love nature and find extraordinary satisfaction in its existence. I played in winning handball team and I never missed out.
This is my first essay and I need criticism and revision help, please!
question:Please write an essay on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself
One hot late-summer day when I was in high school, our member of parliament came to visit us with a surprise present: 2000 US dollars.He told us we could use it for anything we wanted. As the school captain and in charge of the gift, it was difficult to come up with a decision with what we would do with it.
Consistent with my love for freedom and my belief in democracy, I gave directions to class monitors to elect representatives who would debate on how to spend the money. Otherwise, making decisions alone would be like driving a car that makes only left turns.At first, I scoffed at such a tiresome idea of a debate which would only be fiery. Who would want to waste beautiful sunny days, moderating a discussion,pretending to be chair of a parliamentary select committee? After the first debate however, I became absolutely riveted by the nuances and soon began crafting clever diplomatic techniques and schemes to ensure whatever was decided by the committee would benefit all students and better understand the ever changing dynamics.But this was no feathers on a snake, many things I lacked interest on at first have stirred a lot of interest later when I tried them.
Interestingly, when one of the representatives suggested that part of the money be used in purchasing musical instruments for religious societies in the school, I was not sure of what I believed. I love new ideas,new perspectives and passions, but at this point in my life, I like being unsure. Uncertainty leaves room for growth, change and learning which is most important now.I had to be sure not to play deaf to the voice of reason and conscience or otherwise make grave mistakes by deciding with jest and levity, impulse and passion, blindness and lack of consideration. I believe religion should be separated from state, therefore, the question of purchasing musical instruments for religious societies was out of question. I did not want in to be done, but I was concerned about the precedent of it.
After the second meeting,there was no resolution.I called off the preceding meeting and urged the representatives to research deeper and collect suggestions from their classes.However, this was like lights going off during a surgery.Most were disappointed.This reminded me of the model parliament in high school.As the director of the model parliament, I moderated students as they debated on issues of national and international importance and tried to solve them.More interesting was partaking in the debate. I would be assigned to represent a ministry or certain country.I would then need to research my ministry's position on topics to be discussed, articulate my view and try to convince my fellow delegates to support my position.This was a real show of how a government really works.
Thankfully, through my direction and convincing, we manage to reach a solution.Keeping in mind that people develop strong ideologies and principles, twenty percent of the money was to be distributed to clubs which I ha reinstated for the first time in five years. This would ensure fellow students engaged in meaningful activities over their free time and keep them focused. Twenty percent went to purchase of presents as motivation to students ranked top in their classes, in math team and physics team. Fortunately, I was among them.I supported the idea because it was a way of inspiring fellow students to search for knowledge, which kindled my own quest to understand the world and people around me.
Similarly, twenty percent was used to motivate volunteers and those involved in community service. To my surprise, I was chosen to be one of the beneficiaries for tutoring students who had difficulties in physics, with an aim of ensuring that whenever possible, I had used my time, skills and talents to benefit fellow students.Twenty percent of the money was used, under my direction, to find speakers to speak at a series of colloquia on topics ranging fro the fascinating realm of business( which interests me a lot) to politics and diplomacy.This created networking opportunities which always comes handy later in life.
Finally, those who excelled in sports and won the inter-class competition, which games prefect had organized under my direction, got a trip to Kisumu museum and snake park. I love nature and find extraordinary satisfaction in its existence. I played in winning handball team and I never missed out.