Writing Feedback / Is studying HISTORY important in the modern world? [2]

Our modern world has placed lesser emphasis on learning the history of our existence which has been creating bigger(GREATER) impediments to children in this present time(TODAY). Giving heed to our past enables us to develop our nationalism (,) while negligence to it can lead to myriad of problems as well.

History has been the blood rushing within(FLOWING THROUGH) our veins that gives life support and reason for people to continue embarking a better chapter of their lives.(The bolded phrase doesn't seem to make much sense) It is (THROUGH) revisiting our glorious past that we can(ARE ABLE TO) better understand ourselves, developing a culture of patriotism to one's country and origin. It gives us(SHEDS) light on why the present conditions happen(UPON PRESENT CONDITIONS) and what will befall in the future generations. Apart from that, trailing back one's(TRACING OUR) history helps us embrace our traditions and customs with open arms (,) as our hearts are emblazoned with burning fire of passion, patriotism, and pride. One good example would be our Philippine democracy. If people were not aware of the sacrifices of our forefathers, then they will not give time to give heed to the call of freedom and democracy when it is threatened by tyranny and social injustices. This proves that traversing back in our(DOWN) memory lane leads our nation to unite for a common goal: to love one's own upbringing.

Forgetting one's history, one(ON) the other hand, is similar to a ship without a rudder, a journey without a destination, and a human being without a navel. Due to the negligence and ignorance of children and youth to the rich tapestry of event(EVENTS) woven in our past, we are getting the first hand taste of cultural extinction and the values of nationalism will never be realized(RECOGNIZING CULTURAL EXTINCTION, AND NOTICING THAT THE VALUES OF NATIONALISM WILL NO LONGER BE REALIZED) We are bound to repeat the mistakes in the past(PAST MISTAKES) (,) and we will forever be stagnated from progressing. For example, history has been the least priority(GIVEN THE LOWEST PRIORITY) in school's curriculum right now(SCHOOL CURRICULUMS) with the Revised Basic Education Curriculum. In effect, we created(HAVE PRODUCED) students who cannot sing the Philippine national anthem wholehearted and(OR) even recite the names of our own national symbols and heroes. These are just some of the sorry tales common in any parts of the world which prove that once history is taken for granted (DELETE COMMA) our culture founded by our ancestors will be totally lost in oblivion.

Though some students shun away from memorizing dates, details, and trivialities, but this is one of the best ways to transmit our culture to the next generation as well as giving due recognition to the people who made the culture we are enjoying now.(Despite the fact that some students shun memorizing dates, details, and trivialities, these prove to be some of the best ways to transmit our culture to the next generation, along with giving recognition to those who created our current culture.)

In the end(CONCLUSION), we should always bear in our minds that history teaches us to live better in the present by learning to build a better tomorrow.

Undergraduate / Question regarding the tone of an admissions essay [5]

Thank you, very much! I didn't want to start an essay and then have it be completely wrong.