magnum542
Oct 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "High school swim practice" - University of Illinois under grad admission essay [3]
It would be really nice if i could receive some feed back on how to improve my essay and make it a little bit shorter.
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it
The awful stench of chlorine was my first experience in a pool. I was only four years old when my mom decided to take me to swimming lessons. My mother has always been afraid of drowning and because of that; she never learned how to swim. She wanted me to overcome her fear and be able to swim. As soon as I met the age requirements for swim lessons, my mom promptly signed me up.
I remember the instructor teaching us the fundamentals of swimming, and while this was happening, I was thinking to myself that I rather be playing with my toys than learning how to swim. The instructor starts the exercise by helping each child cross the pool while floating. My turn is up and I attempt to float while she is holding me, but little did I know that I was doing this by myself. When I crossed the pool and saw that she was not holding me, a sense of accomplishment and confidence arose in me.
As years passed by, I learned new types of strokes and exercises. During one swim class, I remember the instructor telling me that once I reach high school I should join a swim team or club team to achieve my full potential. When she told me this, I felt like I had a special gift for swimming and I never wanted to stop swimming.
High school swim practice was much more demanding than the swimming I was used. After my first practice ended, I felt so much pain throughout my body because I had never been pushed to my limits like that before. When my mom picked me up after my first practice, she saw how exhausted I was and asked me if I wanted to continue. I told her that I did not want to but something inside me felt like I needed to swim. So I followed what my heart told me and I continued to deal with the hard practices. Swimming is always motivating me to strive towards success. Now I use the same philosophy towards my school work.
It would be really nice if i could receive some feed back on how to improve my essay and make it a little bit shorter.
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it
The awful stench of chlorine was my first experience in a pool. I was only four years old when my mom decided to take me to swimming lessons. My mother has always been afraid of drowning and because of that; she never learned how to swim. She wanted me to overcome her fear and be able to swim. As soon as I met the age requirements for swim lessons, my mom promptly signed me up.
I remember the instructor teaching us the fundamentals of swimming, and while this was happening, I was thinking to myself that I rather be playing with my toys than learning how to swim. The instructor starts the exercise by helping each child cross the pool while floating. My turn is up and I attempt to float while she is holding me, but little did I know that I was doing this by myself. When I crossed the pool and saw that she was not holding me, a sense of accomplishment and confidence arose in me.
As years passed by, I learned new types of strokes and exercises. During one swim class, I remember the instructor telling me that once I reach high school I should join a swim team or club team to achieve my full potential. When she told me this, I felt like I had a special gift for swimming and I never wanted to stop swimming.
High school swim practice was much more demanding than the swimming I was used. After my first practice ended, I felt so much pain throughout my body because I had never been pushed to my limits like that before. When my mom picked me up after my first practice, she saw how exhausted I was and asked me if I wanted to continue. I told her that I did not want to but something inside me felt like I needed to swim. So I followed what my heart told me and I continued to deal with the hard practices. Swimming is always motivating me to strive towards success. Now I use the same philosophy towards my school work.